People are making a big ol fuss about the fact that Disney’s John Carter bombed at a historic level, resulting in a loss for Disney of $200 million. Well listen Disney, we don’t feel bad for you. You guys are making some stupid ass shit these days so maybe this will teach you all a lesson. What happened to The Little Mermaid?! That little red-haired hussy was a wild child with big knockers and fun sea animals for buddies… give us more of her! Or Beauty and the Beast… another classic Disney hit… Belle was smokin and she could even read books (wowsers!), and I don’t think I’d even know what a douchebag was if I didn’t grow up hating that a-hole Gaston. So quit it with the John Carter bullshit, Americans want sexy cartoon cute chicks with amazing flowy hair. The end. And you’re welcome.

And for the record, the only John Carter I want in my life is this one.

George Clooney was arrested this morning. (Because that’s what we need… fewer George Clooneys on the street. Rest easy, America!) He was arrested for protesting the plight of the people of Sudan. As we don’t like the idea of George being locked up for such a noble cause, we’d like to do what we can to help.  We’ve come up with a list of prison rules George should keep in mind while he’s in the clink:

1. Establish Toughness

Upon entering jail, the most important thing to do is let the other inmates know who’s boss.  George should head butt a prison guard, give an inmate a swift kick in the abdomen, put a cafeteria worker in a sleeper hold… just a little something to let folks know he is not to be messed with!

2. Tatt it Up

George looks way too clean cut to last behind bars.  Hopefully he caught that episode of MSNBC’s Lockup when a guy in the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility gave himself a tattoo using only pen ink, a plastic spork and a safety pin.  Gang symbols, teardrops (maybe for someone he murders as part of rule #1!), so long as he stays away from Chinese letters and anything resembling a cartoon character he should be good.

3. No Pallin’ Around

Sure, we know what’s going to happen — all the guards are going to be like “OMG you’re George Clooney!  I loved you in Sisters! Can I get a quick pic?”  Only snitches pal around with the guards and you know what happens to snitches, they get Batmanned by a Robin in the shower when they’re least expecting it, if you know what we mean…

4. Find a Girlfriend

Stacy Keibler can’t help him on the inside.  George needs a prison girlfriend, the kind of guy who will cuddle with him at night and kick ass with him during the day.  Someone should get Brad Pitt on the horn, surely he can get locked up for something awful he’s done lately (possibly The Tree of Life?).

5. Just Relax

Maybe George can use this brief reprieve from Hollywood as a much deserved vacay!  It may not be an Italian villa on Lake Como but but if he can barter away a couple packs of smokes he might be able to score an extra soft pillow and a room with a view!

(Originally posted on CulturePOP.com)

I wonder if, when people ask Billy’s comedian friends about his comedy, they reply with “um, yeah he’s really… nice.”

For all the men who’ve always wondered if the lack of curtains matches the lack of drapes, you might be in luck: Sinead O’Connor wants to be in Playboy.  I’m sorry, what’s so great about Playboy anyway?  Want to see naked ladies?  Google “naked ladies”.  Want to see Sinead O’Connor naked?  Look here, I did the work for you.

So I’m watching the Superbowl… just lovin’ life, throwing back some beers, eating 1000′s of calories worth of guacamole and enjoying some high production value commercials with my pals. It was just another fun day of using football as an excuse to eat and drink excessively with friends. Life doesn’t get better than this, right?… until… sandwiched between “wacky” curly haired commercial actors doing spit-takes for no reason and Ferris Bueller bringing me back to my youth, Clint Eastwood appears and brings everyone down. Oh yeah, we’re all broke. Oh yeah, the whole country is pretty much broke. Oh shit, Clint, you’re right, life is just crap. Well thanks. Thanks a lot. Someone get Danica Patrick or that kid from last year with the Darth Vader mask on the horn, America needs them!

What an emotional weekend I had: sadness at the passing of the legendary Etta James… and then my first tingle of lesbianism at the sight of Christina Aguilera’s knockers as she sang at the funeral.  A lot of folks are gonna say it was inappropriate to put the girls on full display for the funeral of Etta James.  I, on the other hand, think they were the a lovely addition to the ceremony.  Note to whoever plans my funeral in the very very distant future:  see if you can book X-tina. Oh, and keep Al Sharpton far far away, that guy’s a fucking lunatic and I have no idea why people take him seriously.

Paula Deen has announced that she has Type 2 Diabetes.  Well, there goes my theory.  I’ve been claiming for years that Paula Deen is a robot sent from the future to kill off the entire human race with her deadly snacks.  It made perfect sense until now because obviously robots from the future can’t get diabetes.

Well shit, I guess she’s just a fat old Southern lady who really does like her butter.  Hang in there Paula!  Now that I know you’re not trying to destroy humanity as we know it, I’m totally rooting for you!!!

Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this past weekend — and I’d like to say, in my best British accent) can we do something about these bloody boring awards?  The faces are the same, the speeches are identical, the fake surprised looks are predictable, even George Clooney’s little pranks are getting boring.  That being said, I’m not one to just bitch about something without coming up with a plan (I mean, I was my high school class Secretary, you don’t win that prestigious post without learning a thing or two about making a sold plan of action).

HOW TO MAKE THE NEXT GOLDEN GLOBES (AKA THE OSCARS) A HUGE HIT
1. All speeches should be short enough to be tweeted. 140 characters bitches!
2. Host: I’m gonna be flexible here… any member of any season of any version of The Real Housewives.
3. 4 drink minimum before anyone is allowed to speak.
4. Everyone comes dressed as their favorite civil war hero!
5. No shoes. For anyone. And then cover the floor in hot coals!
6. All interlude music is The Benny Hill theme song.
7. Losers are locked in cages and tormented by Dame Helen Mirren.
8. At the end of every speech, the recipient is required to say the phrase “but let’s be real here, we’re just actors, we’re not saving the world or anything, maybe we should get over ourselves.”*

* Angelina and Brad are exempt from #8 because I think they actually are saving the world.

I’m thrilled for Jay-Z and Beyonce! And to think, we all doubted them early on in the pregnancy… I mean, when I saw this vid of Beyonce’s baby bump buckling I thought the whole thing was a sham:

Wait.  I changed my mind again.  No way in effing hell Beyonce has a baby in there.  That’s not how a pregnant belly works.  It’s not empty.  That’s its whole point, to not be empty, but full of a baby.

Well congrats to Beyonce and Jay-Z for succesfully buying a baby from somewhere and, so far, managing to pay off enough people to keep it quiet!

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!