Dear Anderson Cooper…

CNN News Anchor/silver fox/gay icon/former host of ABC’s The Mole (bet you forgot about that, huh?) and all around great guy Anderson Cooper was reporting from Cairo yesterday and kinda got his ass kicked!!!! I use so many exclamation points there because this whole time I was under the impression that Anderson Cooper was a bad ass. He’s in shape; he’s youngish and spry; he’s the type of person I would expect to know an obscure martial art like Polynesian stick fighting or some secret Israeli* hand-to-hand combat technique.  Apparently not, because some Egyptians kicked the shit out of him yesterday afternoon.

Listen Egypt, I feel for you… it’s hot out, you have no internet, everyone is angry all the time and your leader is an ass… your entire existence is like every summer I spent at sleep-away camp as a kid, so I totally feel your pain, but let’s not take it out on American treasures like Anderson Cooper! Just hunker down and make some friendship bracelets or a popsicle stick birdcage and it’ll all be over before you know it.

* Why do all Jewish guys think they know Krav Magra? Just because you had a Bar Mitzvah does not make you an Israeli assassin.

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3 Responses to “Dear Anderson Cooper…”

  1. Funnebone says:

    There really was no reason for Cooper to be down amongst the raucous Egypeeps anyway. When tempers are that hot, everyone not smelling like King Tuts crotch wrap could be mistaken for a Jew. He should have just stayed up in the hotel room with a long camera lens. We are only watching hoping to SEE guys on camels, not to actually hear about how angry they are.

  2. Jason Floras says:

    Nothing to see here! Yeah. Nothing to see here!

  3. fan says:

    J, your’re kidding, right?