Dear Melissa Leo…

There’s nothing I like more than inappropriate F-bomb dropping and last night Academy Award winner Melissa Leo didn’t let me down.  In what was easily the most boring Oscars telecast of all time, the only thing that even remotely stood out was Leo’s acceptance speech.  (Or maybe Kirk Douglas’ earlobes.  Twelve hours later and I’m still haunted by Kirk Douglas’ earlobes.)

Thank you Melissa Leo; I’ll take 4 letter words over a litany of every agent and publicist you’ve ever worked with any day!  (But seriously though, I’ve never seen anything like those lobes.  They were long and supple, like African lady titties that’ve been dangling in the sun for years.)

Plus she looked great, wearing what can only be described as doily couture.  (Maybe Kirk could get a support system for those things, like an ear bra, or an auditory jock strap, or a system of ropes and pulleys what would at least keep everything high and tight and in place.)

I didn’t actually see The Fighter, the movie Melissa Leo was nominated for, but I heard her performance was gripping.  (I’m surprised there’s no chafing or bruising on the side of Kirk’s head from where those lobes smack into him every day.  Every time he turns his head it’s gotta be like getting slapped across the face with a big ol’ National Geographic-style flapjack.  How does a man live like that?  No wonder he looked a little stiff on stage last night, he was concentrating on keeping his head still so he wouldn’t get wacked with those monster lobes.  I mean, it’s embarrassing to accidentally swear on live television, but I’d chose that over knocking yourself out with your own saggy ear boobs!)

So a big fucking congrats to both Melissa Leo and Kirk Douglas’ earlobes, my three favorite things about the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.

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