It’s official, Jake Gyllenhaal has a mini-schlong. Bummer! The good news is there are plenty of options for men like him; I get emails about them all the time! I’m sure it’s not cheap to have your penis enlarged, but I also have a hook-up with this Nigerian prince who has like a million dollars in gold bars that he needs to transfer into a U.S. account. What I’m saying is, using just the contents of my gmail spam folder, I think Jake could get his situation sorted out.
I’m sure you’re dying to know how I got this mini-peen scoop… it’s a little thing I like to call “deductive reasoning”. This past weekend at SXSW, Jake got into a fight in the men’s room when someone tried to snap a dick pic.
Here’s a classic deductive reasoning proof:
- All men are mortal
- Socrates is a man
- Therefore, Socrates is mortal
… which leads me to:
- All men with large penises want to show them off.
- Jake Gyllenhaal is a man and did not want a stranger to take a picture of his penis while he was taking a leak.
- Therefore, Jake Gyllenhaal has a small penis.