Dear Jake Gyllenhaal…

It’s official, Jake Gyllenhaal has a mini-schlong.  Bummer!  The good news is there are plenty of options for men like him; I get emails about them all the time! I’m sure it’s not cheap to have your penis enlarged, but I also have a hook-up with this Nigerian prince who has like a million dollars in gold bars that he needs to transfer into a U.S. account.  What I’m saying is, using just the contents of my gmail spam folder, I think Jake could get his situation sorted out.

I’m sure you’re dying to know how I got this mini-peen scoop… it’s a little thing I like to call “deductive reasoning”. This past weekend at SXSW, Jake got into a fight in the men’s room when someone tried to snap a dick pic.

Here’s a classic deductive reasoning proof:

  1. All men are mortal
  2. Socrates is a man
  3. Therefore, Socrates is mortal

… which leads me to:

  1. All men with large penises want to show them off.
  2. Jake Gyllenhaal is a man and did not want a stranger to take a picture of his penis while he was taking a leak.
  3. Therefore, Jake Gyllenhaal has a small penis.

Simple logic!

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2 Responses to “Dear Jake Gyllenhaal…”

  1. Bren says:

    Nah, I don’t think so. …..HE CAN’T HAVE A SMALL WEENIE! I say it’s at least average…..please.