Dear Khloe Kardashian…

Khloe Kardashian has always been my favorite member of the E! Armenian triumvirate. Kim is the hot one. Kourtney is the boring one (who luckily has an insane boyfriend/baby daddy to keep scenes interesting). And Khloe was always the funny one. She also used to be the fat one but those days are gone (lookin good Khloe!). The problem is, the hotter she gets, the lamer she gets. I long for the days when she’d enter a room and verbally bitch slap a family member with a Khloeism (ie. “I hear the pitter-patter of a dinosaur,” as her mom walks in).  Lately it’s just a bunch of hot chick BS.  Let me make my case…

Exhibit A: this article in People (CLICK HERE). It’s all about her sex schedule with Lamar… ovulation calendars… how many days of the month she’s fertile… and she’s not even trying to get pregnant yet. Imagine this chick knocked up, it’ll be nothing but features in Us Weekly about lactation consultants and tummy time (fyi I don’t know what either of those terms mean, I googled “things pregnant people talk about” and that’s what I got).

Exhibit B: WTF is THIS? Ans: Unbreakable. Khloe and Lamar’s unisex fragrance. Fellas, for all those times you’ve thought “I just wish I smelled a little more ladylike.” Let’s be real, perfume is good, cologne is nice… but you ruin them both by combining them. It’s like peanut butter and chicken wings. Or jeggings.

Exhibit C: PDA. Constant, non-stop PDA which we’re all about to see a lot more of on their new reality show, Khloe & Lamar.  I get it, you guys love each other and you love making love (blech, call it sex already) and you love being one with one another both figuratively and olfactorally, but does the world have to see your spit flying? Your tongues wagging?  Get a room!  (or a giant house in Calabasas with manicured shrubbery and multi-car garages and walk in shoe closets… WHY?!  WHY CAN’T I FIND A NICE NBA PLAYER TO WHISK ME AWAY AND GIVE ME A LIFE LIKE KHLOE’S??!!  A LIFE FILLED WITH NANNIES AND PEDICURES AND GLUTEN-FREE SCONES!  I WANT A FANCY NBA WIFE EXISTENCE.  DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?  ARE YOU LISTENING? I JUST WANT A MAN WHO’S BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???)

So, ummmm, have a good Monday!

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