Dear Antonio Sabato Jr…

If there’s a shitty gig, chances are Antonio Sabato Jr. has done it. His IMDB profile should be titled “what not to do in Hollywood”: two different soap operas, a VH1 reality show, more made-for-TV movies than Melissa Gilbert and Jaclyn Smith combined, plus the nail in the career coffin, a 2-episode arc on Joey. I know what you’re saying, you’re like “but Julia, he WON Celebrity Circus, the 2005 NBC reality competition show in which an all-star cast performed death defying circus acts and America voted for their Celebrity Circus champion, hosted by ‘N Sync’s own Joey Fatone!!!!” You’re right, you’re right… and I think we can all agree that when Antonio was launched out of the human catapult, rocketing right past Wee Man and Christopher Knight in the scoreboards, forever securing his place as Celebrity Circus king… he was peaking. It’s pretty much been a string of bad decisions since, and the news today is no different: Antonio just had a baby and named him Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III. I mean… come on. My rule of thumb with names is that they should never be worth more than 20 points in Scrabble. This kid’s got a 41-point middle name! As if it’s not already going to be hard enough for him trying to live down the fact that he’s Antonio Sabato Jr.’s son! Unless “yeah, well my dad can juggle flaming knives while doing rhythmic dancing and he knows Matt LeBlanc” carries some weight on the playground, this kid’s in for an ass beating.

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