Dear John Carter…

People are making a big ol fuss about the fact that Disney’s John Carter bombed at a historic level, resulting in a loss for Disney of $200 million. Well listen Disney, we don’t feel bad for you. You guys are making some stupid ass shit these days so maybe this will teach you all a lesson. What happened to The Little Mermaid?! That little red-haired hussy was a wild child with big knockers and fun sea animals for buddies… give us more of her! Or Beauty and the Beast… another classic Disney hit… Belle was smokin and she could even read books (wowsers!), and I don’t think I’d even know what a douchebag was if I didn’t grow up hating that a-hole Gaston. So quit it with the John Carter bullshit, Americans want sexy cartoon cute chicks with amazing flowy hair. The end. And you’re welcome.

And for the record, the only John Carter I want in my life is this one.

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