Archive for the ‘Actor’ Category

Dear Denzel Washington…

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

Uhm. Spoiler alert?

I saw Flight over the weekend starring Denzel Washington playing a pilot who really likes to party.  Like reeeeaally likes to party.  Like gets trashed the night before, the morning before (and during!) a flight but it’s cool because he takes a hit of coke before flying to straighten him out.

My biggest takeaway from the movie (aside from NEVER EVER feeling comfortable on a flight again) is: THAT’S WHAT COCAINE DOES?!  I’ve never done cocaine. In the movie it’s kinda like… hey look, Denzel is a mess of a human, sloppy and drunk… then he snorts some cocaine and voila!  New man!  Ready to take on the world! Save lives! Testify before the FAA!  If that’s how cocaine works I think I needed some like yesterday.  And last Saturday.  And most weekends throughout college.  Get a new PR firm, cocaine!


Dear Stephen Baldwin…

Monday, December 10th, 2012

Stephen Baldwin got arrested for tax evasion and took what will go down in history as the most amazing mug shots ever. Sparkling ice-blue eyes with a focused gaze, lips just slightly pursed to make them look full but not pouty, eyebrows in the verge of being raised as if to say “can I buy you a drink, sugartits?”, hair so perfect it just screams “I’m a Baldwin”, button down shirt with a collar so white and crisp it’s as if he knew he’d be taken in for a white collar crime that evening and wanted to really look the part.

This is a man who knows how to dress.  This is a man who has style and class.  This is a man who’s going to be savagely butt raped once he’s in the clink.

PS. Taxes are too hard! If a put together fella like Steve here can’t figure out the math, how are the rest of us supposed to get it sorted? Get on that, government.


Dear Eddie Murphy…

Wednesday, December 5th, 2012

Yesterday Forbes put out their annual List of the Most Overpaid Actors in Hollywood and Eddie Murphy landed the number one spot. Based on the last three movies he was in, for every dollar he was paid, he returned $2.30 in box office cash… which, from what I’m gathering based on the Forbes’ article… is a bad thing???

However, to put this in perspective…

During summers in high school I worked at Dairy Queen making minimum wage which was like $5.15/hr. I’d typically work a four hour shift. Usually, in a given shift, I’d eat at least a medium Blizzard with quadruple the toppings (obvi), wash it down with a Mr. Misty (“green” with a splash of “purple”), grab a few handfuls (disgusting, I know) of pecans whenever I went into the back room, and bring home a pint or two of soft serve and a couple Dilly bars at the end of the night.  At the start of my shift I’d call all my friends and let them know they could swing by for free ice cream, so you have to figure I gave away a least a few cones and a couple sundays.  By my calculations, I think I cost that Dairy Queen…

Medium Blizzard + extra toppings: $3.69 + $0.50
Medium Mr. Misty: $3.19
Extra nuts: 4 x $0.75
2 pints of soft serve: 2 x $2.59
2 Dilly bars: 2 x $1.19
2 Medium cones: 2 x $2.19
2 Large sundays: 2 x $2.99

TOTAL COST: $28.30

So in a typical shift of mine, that particular Dairy Queen would actually lose $7.70. Or, to put it in Forbes’ terms, for every one dollar I was paid, I lost $2.68.

Conclusion: Eddie’s not that bad of an investment after all!

PS. I giant “sorry!!!” to the owners of the Tracydale DQ in Erie, PA!  At the time, I was young and stupid and had an incredible metabolism.


Dear George Clooney…

Friday, March 16th, 2012

George Clooney was arrested this morning. (Because that’s what we need… fewer George Clooneys on the street. Rest easy, America!) He was arrested for protesting the plight of the people of Sudan. I for one don’t like the idea of George being locked up for such a noble cause, and would like to do what I can to help.  I’ve come up with a list of prison rules George should keep in mind while he’s in the clink:

1. Establish Toughness

Upon entering jail, the most important thing to do is let the other inmates know who’s boss.  George should head butt a prison guard, give an inmate a swift kick in the abdomen, put a cafeteria worker in a sleeper hold… just a little something to let folks know he is not to be messed with!

2. Tatt it Up

George looks way too clean cut to last behind bars.  Hopefully he caught that episode of MSNBC’s Lockup when a guy in the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility gave himself a tattoo using only pen ink, a plastic spork and a safety pin.  Gang symbols, teardrops (maybe for someone he murders as part of rule #1!), so long as he stays away from Chinese letters and anything resembling a cartoon character he should be good.

3. No Pallin’ Around

Sure, we know what’s going to happen — all the guards are going to be like “OMG you’re George Clooney!  I loved you in Sisters! Can I get a quick pic?”  Only snitches pal around with the guards and you know what happens to snitches, they get Batmanned by a Robin in the shower when they’re least expecting it, if you know what I mean…

4. Find a Girlfriend

Stacy Keibler can’t help him on the inside.  George needs a prison girlfriend, the kind of guy who will cuddle with him at night and kick ass with him during the day.  Someone should get Brad Pitt on the horn, surely he can get locked up for something awful he’s done lately (possibly The Tree of Life?).

5. Just Relax

Maybe George can use this brief reprieve from Hollywood as a much deserved vacay!  It may not be an Italian villa on Lake Como but but if he can barter away a couple packs of smokes he might be able to score an extra soft pillow and a room with a view!

Dear Billy Crystal…

Monday, February 27th, 2012

I wonder if, when people ask Billy’s comedian friends about his comedy, they reply with “um, yeah he’s really… nice.”

Dear Clint Eastwood…

Sunday, February 5th, 2012

So I’m watching the Superbowl… just lovin’ life, throwing back some beers, eating 1000′s of calories worth of guacamole and enjoying some high production value commercials with my pals. It was just another fun day of using football as an excuse to eat and drink excessively with friends. Life doesn’t get better than this, right?… until… sandwiched between “wacky” curly haired commercial actors doing spit-takes for no reason and Ferris Bueller bringing me back to my youth, Clint Eastwood appears and brings everyone down. Oh yeah, we’re all broke. Oh yeah, the whole country is pretty much broke. Oh shit, Clint, you’re right, life is just crap. Well thanks. Thanks a lot. Someone get Danica Patrick or that kid from last year with the Darth Vader mask on the horn, America needs them!

Dear Bradley Cooper…

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

I honestly can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog for a whole year now and have never once written to Bradley Cooper.  I’ve written to Anderson Cooper (twice) which is kinda the same thing since they’re both sexpots with great hair and piercing blue eyes who speak French (I know Bradley speaks French and I’m just assuming Anderson does because he’s a Vanderbilt and went to Yale and is gay.  You find me a gay guy who’s an Ivy League alum from a famous rich fam who doesn’t speak French and I’ll go ahead and throw this stereotype of my mine in the recycling bin, but until then, it stays.)

Bon travail, mon ami Bradley!!


Dear Jonah Hill…

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011

Today, on National Coming Out Day, the former-fatty-turned-awkwardly-svelte Jonah Hill broke up with his girlfriend of three years.  Here’s a factual list I completely made up for you:

#1 April Fools’ Day
#2 Her birthday
#3 National Coming Out Day

Valentine’s Day and Christmas are also pretty shitty choices.  I’d also stay away from Hanukkah, that is, if you can figure out exactly when it starts and ends (EXTREMELY confusing; has something to do with sundown and the Hebrew calendar but I can never quite nail it down.  Very mysterious, those Jews.  Christmas is simple, same date every year and only one way to spell it.  On the other hand, the number of H’s, K’s and N’s  in Chanukah (not to mention the real loosey-goosey usage of that “C”) is more up in the air than a really boring 2009 movie starring George Clooney and that chick from Twilight.


Dear Tom Cruise…

Friday, October 7th, 2011

Sure he’s weird, believes in aliens, is in a fake hetero-sexual marriage, and wouldn’t have lasted very long growing up in the Lillis household with my mom’s “no jumping on the couch” rule, there’s at least one thing that no one can take away from Tom Cruise: he’s a PARTY STARTER!!!

Exhibit 1, 2 and 3: Tom’s dance-off at a head of Oracle Larry Ellison’s son’s wedding.

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Dear Alec Baldwin…

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

Earlier this month Ben & Jerry’s launched a flavor called “Schweddy Balls”, inspired by one of the best SNL sketches of all time starring Alec Baldwin.  Grumpy, no-fun moms everywhere are boycotting the flavor because they don’t like what Ben & Jerry have named it.  Hey moms of America, we haven’t liked what you gals have been naming your kids for years now, so until I stop seeing “names” like these* popping up on Toddlers & Tiaras, you can all shut your pie holes:


And for the record, it’s vanilla ice cream mixed with a hint of rum, fudge covered rum balls, and milk chocolate malt balls that we’re talking about here, not annoying 3-year-old prima donnas.  You can call this ice cream “Shit in a Pint Container” and I’d still rather spend my afternoon getting brain freeze than hanging with your little princess.

* No shit, I didn’t make a single one of those up.  Child protective services should be watching more TLC — it oughta be a crime to name your kid a misspelling.