Archive for the ‘Actor’ Category

Dear Daniel Radcliffe…

Monday, July 18th, 2011

Oh Harry Potter, we hardly knew ya!

No literally, I have no point of reference for any Harry Potter jokes because I haven’t read the books or watched the movies and HALLELUJAH! the day has finally come when the rest of the world can shut the F up about it all.  I get it, it’s like wizards and witches and goblets and and shit.  I think I’m good on all that.

Harry Potter fanatics are to me, what I am to vegetarians.  They really want me to just give the movies a shot because they just “know I’m gonna love it!!”  And I really want to stuff a few chicken wings down the throat of some of my friends because I can’t believe they’re voluntarily missing out on something so amazing.  The difference here is this:  chicken wings are delicious and Harry Potter is a kids movie about witches.  Chicken wings can be dipped in blue cheese dressing, which is also awesome, and thereby makes the whole combo insanely awesome.  Harry Potter is about some kids who fly on broomsticks (is it? I’m just guessing here).  Chicken wings will go on FOREVER.  As of yesterday, Harry Potter is DONE.

Once again in life, chicken wings win!!!!

Dear Rob McElhenney (from It’s Always Sunny)…

Wednesday, June 29th, 2011

Rob McElhenney, star and creator of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, apparently gained 50 pounds on purpose because he thought it would be ‘funny for his character on the show to be fat’ and I’m calling BULLSHIT.  First of all, if fatness and funniness were directly proportionate those episodes of Hoarders where the ladies are so huge they can’t get out of bed would be total laugh riots.  Um, have you seen em?  Yeah. They’re not.

Here’s the deal with this weight gain: they shoot that show in Philly.  As in Philly Philly.  Now take another look at him:

My friends, that’s what skinny looks like in Philly.  I bet Rob got back to LA after they wrapped and had a meeting with his agent at some vegan raw live soy tapas joint and his agent was like “ummmmmmm, you know you’re fat, right?”  And he takes a look around and is like “omg, I. Had. No. Idea.”  They got the publicist on the phone and next thing you know there’s a feature in People about how Mac from It’s Always Sunny got fat on purpose… because that’s hilarious!

PS.  There are like 800 calories in a Philly cheesesteak, so really, you can hardly blame Philidelphians.


Dear Tobey Maguire…

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011

Tobey Maguire is being sued over his involvement in an illegal multi-million dollar underground  celeb-filled poker game that was taking place twice a week in various hotels in Beverly Hills.  Finally!  Tobey has actually done something COOL!!  He’s always such a dweeb in his movies.  The broke-ass homeless guy who plays Spider-Man on Hollywood Blvd. is more convincing than Tobey, who looks like he never fully emerged from puberty.  Yet here he was, hanging out with A-listers like Leonardo (!!!), Ben Affleck (yes!), Matt Damon (hello!), and I’m sure a bunch of others who weren’t named because come on, it’s not really a “clandestine poker club” if it’s just four dudes — it’s more of a sleazy 90291 circle jerk.

Congrats on getting in the the cool kids, Tobey!  Now good luck staying out of the clink with these charges… with your slender frame and dreamy blue eyes Spidey’ll be someone’s “girlfriend” in no time!

Dear Russell Brand…

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

Russell Brand was deported from Japan this morning because he has a criminal record in England.  First of all, I can’t believe anyone takes the UK legal system seriously.  They still have kings and queens over there, let’s get real.  Secondly, can we all agree that Katy Perry officially has the coolest problems of anyone in the world? While the rest of us are just bummed that it’s Monday (and a handful of nutjobs are disappointed that they weren’t magically sucked into Heaven over the weekend to hang with baby Jesus and laugh at us heathens), Katy’s issue today is this: her mega successful movie star comedian husband can’t get into the country of Japan to see her on the latest stop of her sold out worldwide tour.  Boo hoo.  She’s been tweeting all day about it.  Listen Katie, the rest of us have real shit going on…  I’ve got a left tail light has been out for three months, my neighbor lets her dog shit all over my front lawn, my DVR didn’t pick up the Celebrity Apprentice finale last night (no spoilers! I’ll watch it online, ugh), and out of the 4 Precor machines I use at the gym, two of them are currently out of order.  (I know, I know, my life is really tough.)

Dear Antonio Sabato Jr…

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

If there’s a shitty gig, chances are Antonio Sabato Jr. has done it. His IMDB profile should be titled “what not to do in Hollywood”: two different soap operas, a VH1 reality show, more made-for-TV movies than Melissa Gilbert and Jaclyn Smith combined, plus the nail in the career coffin, a 2-episode arc on Joey. I know what you’re saying, you’re like “but Julia, he WON Celebrity Circus, the 2005 NBC reality competition show in which an all-star cast performed death defying circus acts and America voted for their Celebrity Circus champion, hosted by ‘N Sync’s own Joey Fatone!!!!” You’re right, you’re right… and I think we can all agree that when Antonio was launched out of the human catapult, rocketing right past Wee Man and Christopher Knight in the scoreboards, forever securing his place as Celebrity Circus king… he was peaking. It’s pretty much been a string of bad decisions since, and the news today is no different: Antonio just had a baby and named him Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III. I mean… come on. My rule of thumb with names is that they should never be worth more than 20 points in Scrabble. This kid’s got a 41-point middle name! As if it’s not already going to be hard enough for him trying to live down the fact that he’s Antonio Sabato Jr.’s son! Unless “yeah, well my dad can juggle flaming knives while doing rhythmic dancing and he knows Matt LeBlanc” carries some weight on the playground, this kid’s in for an ass beating.

Dear Andy Samberg…

Thursday, April 21st, 2011

Andy Samberg has just been tapped to host Discovery Channel’s annual Shark Week this summer. I’ll be honest, I feel the same way about Shark Week as I do about Coachella, Bikram Yoga and red velvet cake — I’m just not that into it and (I know, I know, I get it) I’m in the overwhelming minority. What can I say, I only like music I know all the words to, sweating is disgusting, and will someone please just own up to the fact that it tastes the same as chocolate cake?! As for Shark Week, it’s plain and simple: I don’t like sharks, hence, don’t like watching hours of programming about sharks. The weird thing is that it seems to me that most people don’t like sharks, so why then is Shark Week an annual ratings feeding frenzy (pun intended)? I think guys watch it because they like the blood and guts when they see a tiger shark maul a hunk of flesh that’s been tossed into the water. I think the ladies watch it because at some point, every single high school girl said the words “I want to be a marine biologist when I grow up” and this is as close as they’re ever gonna get.

I’ve had a couple really great ideas in the past week (they should 7-11’s in airports… and… there should be a scale attached to the front of my fridge so when you open the door you have to stand on it and see how much you weigh).  Well, I think I just thought of another great one that would get even me, the most cynical Shark Week non-fan to tune in: The Real Housewives of the Great Barrier Reef.  Damn, I’m good!


Dear Diddy…

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

The artist currently known as Diddy wants to be an actor and apparently he thinks he can tweet his way to the top. From his twitter account today:

Attention all Film directors, casting agents, producers, writers! I am a aspiring actor for Hire! Pls call me if you have a job 4 me! 4real

I take direction well. I’m always on time. I don’t come with a entourage! and I know how to play my position! No EGO! I wanna work! Hire me!

For all acting inquiries pls contact my agents at CAA-Nick Styne @tricky44 and David Bugliari @dbugliari !!!

I’d like to see Diddy start at the bottom and get into commercials before diving into films. I’m not talking celebrity product endorsement, I’m talking drunk guy in a Budweiser commercial… confused husband looking to switch to Progressive Car Insurance… just another backed up fella in the grocery store who gets enticed by Jamie Lee Curtis and her so-tasty-you’ll-shit-yourself yogurt!

I’m fine with Diddy getting into acting but I just hope it doesn’t turn him into a giant pussy… one of these LA wieners who think they’re impressing you with lines like “I can finally cry on cue” or anything that starts with the phrase “So last night at my improv class we did this scene…”  I can pretty much guarantee that any man who CAN cry on cue, CAN’T change his own oil, properly cook a steak, use a power tool, hook up the propane on a grill or correctly identify any player on the any team in the NFL.

Dear Jackie Chan…

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

False alarm!  Despite “RIP Jackie Chan” being a trending topic on twitter all day today, it was just a hoax and Jackie is alive and well!  These crazy internet pranksters — their creativity knows no bounds!  I can picture the guy behind this one… just your typical winner sitting in his mom’s basement, jerking into a tube sock and coming up with the next pointless hacky goof to play on the twitterverse in order to feel like he exerts some influence in this world beyond bossing his mom around when she effs up his grilled cheese and dressing his “girlfriend” all slutty-like in Second Life.  Yeah, a real winner.

I’d like to propose a new segment for the Oscars next year: “In Memoriam — J/K!!” It’ll be just like the regular “In Memoriam” segment, but way more fun because it’ll all be a big hoax.  I mean, come on, just ask the prankster behind this Chan gag, there’s nothing more hilarious than pretending people unexpectedly died a gruesome, sad and untimely death!

Dear Liam Neeson…

Thursday, March 17th, 2011

In honor of St. Patty’s Day I decided to write my fan mail to an Irishman.  Isn’t Liam Neeson just the best?!  Literally, he’s the best: here’s a survey that found that he’s the most popular Irish person in the US.  See, I told you, the best.  I just saw his movie Unknown and although I still don’t know if he was a good guy or a bad guy (or a good guy pretending to be bad or vice versa, it was very confusing but that could in part be blamed on the pre-movie day-drinking I was involved in — hey, no big woop, I’m Irish!), so although I kind of had no idea what was going on, even in my drunken state I walked away saying “Damn that Leon Neilson is a great actor” to which my boyfriend said “Uh, it’s Liam Neeson” to which I said “Why do you always have to correct me?! You think you’re soooo smart, don’t you?!  Whatever, ARE YOU EVEN IN LOVE WITH ME??!!” (I’m an angry drunk).

Now I happen to be 3/4 Irish myself and I’m not just saying that because it’s cool to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day; I know this fact because my dad spends a shitload of time on, which is sort of the opposite of cool, but hey dad, keep up the good work!  In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I’m going to dress up like a homeless person who really likes green and make my annual March 17th trip to McDonald’s where I will treat myself to a large order of fries.  I know, I know,  McDonald’s is technically Scottish, but that’s practically the same thing, plus Irish are known for their love of potatoes (or for not having enough potatoes? or something like that…).  Before I head home I plan on washing my taters down with a giant fluorescent green minty Shamrock Shake.  No way you’re gonna tell me a Shamrock Shake isn’t 100% Irish?!  Folks, that’s what I call 3 killing birds with one Blarney Stone.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Dear Jake Gyllenhaal…

Tuesday, March 15th, 2011

It’s official, Jake Gyllenhaal has a mini-schlong.  Bummer!  The good news is there are plenty of options for men like him; I get emails about them all the time! I’m sure it’s not cheap to have your penis enlarged, but I also have a hook-up with this Nigerian prince who has like a million dollars in gold bars that he needs to transfer into a U.S. account.  What I’m saying is, using just the contents of my gmail spam folder, I think Jake could get his situation sorted out.

I’m sure you’re dying to know how I got this mini-peen scoop… it’s a little thing I like to call “deductive reasoning”. This past weekend at SXSW, Jake got into a fight in the men’s room when someone tried to snap a dick pic.

Here’s a classic deductive reasoning proof:

  1. All men are mortal
  2. Socrates is a man
  3. Therefore, Socrates is mortal

… which leads me to:

  1. All men with large penises want to show them off.
  2. Jake Gyllenhaal is a man and did not want a stranger to take a picture of his penis while he was taking a leak.
  3. Therefore, Jake Gyllenhaal has a small penis.

Simple logic!