Archive for the ‘Actress’ Category

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Monday, December 17th, 2012

Super broke former actress Lindsay Lohan is offering to show up at weddings, holiday parties, birthday bashes, quinceaneras for a price.  And that price is whatever it costs to buy twice as much alcohol as you were planning on buying because she’s def gonna drain your open bar (and probably hook up with your one “weird” cousin).

I don’t know what she actually does at these parties, but if Herbie Fully Loaded taught us anything, it’s that it’s probably going to be really really terrible.

 

For more Naked Fan Mail to Linds:
Naked Fan Mail
when she signed a deal with Playboy! 10/25/11
Naked Fan Mail
to her brother when he got a real job! 3/2/11
Naked Fan Mail
when she got busted shoplifting! 2/10/11
Naked Fan Mail
when she got out of rehab! 1/3/11
Naked Fan Mail
when she busted out of rehab for a shopping trip! 11/8/10

 

Dear Anne Hathaway…

Wednesday, December 12th, 2012

I get it, she’s in a big movie… (that looks amazing and I’m seeing it and I already know all the words to all the songs because I saw Les Mis on a school trip in 6th grade and most of the songs have never left my head and I even used them to audition for every musical in high school — “I have a castle on a cloud…” was my go to — I never got cast in a single play (thanks Mr. G!) but I don’t hold that against the songs, they weren’t really in my range, and I’m sure Anne kills them all, so in short, yeah can’t wait to see her big fancy movie)… but do we have to see her on the cover of EVERY magazine? EVERY late night show? EVERY city’s red carpet event? Seeing EVERY inch of her body?

No seriously. She just showed the one last remaining inch that hadn’t been seen in any of the aforementioned venues; just plopped it out there while exiting a car at a red carpet. See for yourself (NSFW version)…

    

Dear Nikki Reed…

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Well la dee da, look at little miss fancy pants.  Nikki Reed (I know, you’re like “who??” — she’s one of the chicks in Twilight) got married last weekend and she wore a dress that was adorned with 100 diamond buttons.

She’s damn lucky those Occupy Wall Street protesters aren’t reading Us Weekly or she’d have had a dirty hippy sit-in at her elegant Malibu affair — and nothing ruins a classy event like a drum circle.

Dear Demi Moore…

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

I used to love Demi Moore, but then again she was G.I. Jane and I used to be in the Navy (as some of my faithful readers already know).  Although I’ve never done a one armed push-up or shaved my head, we have at least one thing in common: we’ve both survived the wrath of the Navy’s least flattering uniform, Winter Working Blues.  I owe her plenty of thanks for looking shitting in that damn thing.  It was my go-to excuse for 4 years as to why I also looked shitty in it.  Can we get on that, Navy???  Eh?  If Demi looks like a fat ass in Winter Working Blues maybe we’ve got a design problem.

Anyway, so yeah, I used to think she was the best, until one day…

That’s around the time she lost me.  Really, Demi?  Your favorite comfort food is FRENCH FRIES?  No.  Effing.  Way.  I’m not a doctor or anything, but I do fancy myself to be a bit of a french fry expert and I’ll tell you what, this is not a fry eater we’re dealing with here.

So that’s when she lost me.

Well now she’s gone and won me over again.  What can I say, I’m a softy for scorned women.  So go on Demi, keep pretending to eat fries, I’ll let it slide.  But you better have your answers ready when we meet one day and I ask you if you like them thin and crispy or if you’re more of a steak fry gal (correct answer is obviously thin and crispy).

Dear Susan Lucci…

Friday, September 23rd, 2011

Susan Lucci must be spinning in her grave.  Here are the first two things I saw when I turned on my computer today:

Point number one:  I’ve never seen All My Children but there was a summer between my Junior and Senior year in high school when I got really into Days of Our Lives and that’s the same thing, right?  Like exactly the same thing.  Crazy family of good-looking people; a hospital; a scandal; maybe an evil twin; I get it.  I get it, and I think it’s pretty dumb.  But how can I judge when my DVR is full of Russian Dolls and Jerseylicious?  I can’t.  Lucci fans everywhere, sorry for your loss.  With all that spare time why don’t you head over to the Style etwork and see what’s happening with my girls Olivia and Tracy — now that’s some real drama!

Secondly:  Someone over at the CW needs to get fired for thinking we want to see musical chairs — the show.  Screw you guys.  I’d rather watch reruns of All My Children while being waterboarded with acid than give in to something as idiotic as musical chairs. (UNLESS you guys are still casting a host — in that case, please contact my representation.  What a FUN IDEA FOR A SHOW!!!!)

Dear Scarlett Johansson…

Friday, September 16th, 2011

A couple days ago some naked pics of Scarlett Johansson were leaked on the internet. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.  Oh sorry.  That was me sleeping because I’m SO BORED OF THE LAME ASS LEAKED NAKED PIC SCANDAL.  And let’s get real, we’re just talking about a few shots of Scarlett’s jugs… do we really need to involve the federal government?  (She’s got the FBI on the case and you know they’re super bummed about this assignment.  “What’s that, boss?  You need me to investigate the most beautiful girl in the world’s breasts?  Whatever you need!”)

There are so many photos that I find waaaaay more scandalous than boob shots — FOOT shots, for example.  I once saw a close up picture of Paris Hilton’s monstrous feet and it’s haunted me ever since.  And Victoria Beckham’s feet have more bunions than toes.  These are the kind of pics celebs should really be ashamed of.

Dear Lizzie McGuire…

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

Since when is Hilary Duff old enough to get married and knocked up?  Friends of mine who have kids are always like “oooooh they grow up so fast” and I think I finally understand what they mean.  Honestly you  guys, Lizzie McGuire has sex?  And everyone is cool with that?  It seems like only yesterday she was dating Aaron Carter and being googled by pedophiles.  Now you’re telling me the creeps googling “Lizzie McGuire naked” are technically just regular run of the mill creeps of the non-pedophile variety?  (By the way, if the blog is down tomorrow it’s because it crashed thanks to all those sickos who are searching that term and will now and up here.)

The first story I read about Hilary Duff being pregnant was this one on RadarOnline about Hil and hubby going out for a sushi date.  Now I know pretty much NOTHING about being pregnant.   Like, I’m honestly still confused about how that baby-fetus-minihuman stays alive in a belly full of water.  And what’s the deal with bellybuttons?   However there’s one thing even I know: NO SUSHI!  This is what happens when we let teens screw.

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow…

Friday, July 29th, 2011

You know how when you think of Gwyneth Paltrow you think snobby, too-cool-for-school actress-type who says things like “we’re summering in Merrekech this year” and eats gluten-free scones and never farts?  Folks, it’s time to add “hilarious joke teller” to that list.  Gwyneth, married to Coldplay front man Chris Martin, tweeted this afternoon:

Well look who’s moving in on my territory.  Gwyn, lock that shit up!  Last thing I need is more competition in the ‘pale blonde white girl who tells jokes’ category.  Go back to being effortlessly skinny and overwhelmingly annoying.

Dear Reese Witherspoon…

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

Sunday night at the MTV Movie Awards Reese Witherspoon gave a touching, heartfelt speech about how you don’t have to be a “bad girl” to make it in Hollywood.  She said:

“So, for all the girls out there, it’s totally possible to be a good girl; I’m going to try to make it cool.”

And somehow, in this poignant moment of female empowerment, with this class act A-list role model giving words of wisdom with grace and humor and sophistication to millions of rapt teenage girls watching her live across the globe… somehow she managed to work in the word “motherfucker”.  We can file this under “irony”.*

Here’s the thing, no one wants to hear Reese Witherspoon say “motherfucker”, it’s just not right.  It’s like when my mom tries to say the word “cool” and it somehow comes out as two syllables.  The guy whose job it is to bleep that kind of shit probably took a pee break as soon as he saw her coming onstage… “ahhhh, I’m good for a couple minutes, Reese would never do anything crazy”.  Well Reese, I have a feeling that bleeper guy is spending his Monday filing for unemployment.  Who’s the motherfucker now?!

On a related note, Robert Pattinson also dropped an F-bomb but I barely noticed because he has that wacky British accent that just makes everything sound like he’s talking about a polo match.

* I actually am filing this post under “Irony”. Additional tags include “Actress” and “Annoyingly Skinny” (because I’ve got a systematic method of keeping track of my posts and will not let this throw me off), but I made a whole new tag to really bring this one home!  File this under “pleased with myself”.  (I’m not really filing it under that, you can only go so far with this B.S.)

Dear Alex Rodriguez…

Friday, June 3rd, 2011

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez dumped Cameron Diaz after almost a year of dating because “she was too needy”.  Well of course she was needy, she’s slowly watching every decent guy in Hollywood get scooped up.  I mean, when Scarlett Johansson starts dating Sean Penn you know the pickins are slim (in related news, they just broke up — surprise surprise!).  Over the years my feelings towards Cameron Diaz have been like the waves she’s constantly talking about surfing… sometimes I’m riding high on the “Cameron Diaz is hilarious” crest (My Best Friend’s Wedding) and sometimes I’m drowning in the “how can a person this annoying be this famous” rip tide (everything other than My Best Friend’s Wedding).

According to the crack reporting team over at fitPerez, the couple broke up because Cameron was needy and tried too hard to please him… which is code for “why the hell that bitch gotta feed me popcorn in front of the whole world like that!?”  Let’s get real, that popcorn-feeding shot of them during the last Superbowl was curtains for this relationship.  For some couples it’s money issues, or lack of communication, or infidelity, but we should never overlook the silent relationship killer: Orville Redenbacher.

RIP “Camerod”