You know how when you think of Gwyneth Paltrow you think snobby, too-cool-for-school actress-type who says things like “we’re summering in Merrekech this year” and eats gluten-free scones and never farts? Folks, it’s time to add “hilarious joke teller” to that list. Gwyneth, married to Coldplay front man Chris Martin, tweeted this afternoon:
Well look who’s moving in on my territory. Gwyn, lock that shit up! Last thing I need is more competition in the ‘pale blonde white girl who tells jokes’ category. Go back to being effortlessly skinny and overwhelmingly annoying.
Sunday night at the MTV Movie Awards Reese Witherspoon gave a touching, heartfelt speech about how you don’t have to be a “bad girl” to make it in Hollywood. She said:
“So, for all the girls out there, it’s totally possible to be a good girl; I’m going to try to make it cool.”
And somehow, in this poignant moment of female empowerment, with this class act A-list role model giving words of wisdom with grace and humor and sophistication to millions of rapt teenage girls watching her live across the globe… somehow she managed to work in the word “motherfucker”. We can file this under “irony”.*
Here’s the thing, no one wants to hear Reese Witherspoon say “motherfucker”, it’s just not right. It’s like when my mom tries to say the word “cool” and it somehow comes out as two syllables. The guy whose job it is to bleep that kind of shit probably took a pee break as soon as he saw her coming onstage… “ahhhh, I’m good for a couple minutes, Reese would never do anything crazy”. Well Reese, I have a feeling that bleeper guy is spending his Monday filing for unemployment. Who’s the motherfucker now?!
On a related note, Robert Pattinson also dropped an F-bomb but I barely noticed because he has that wacky British accent that just makes everything sound like he’s talking about a polo match.
* I actually am filing this post under “Irony”. Additional tags include “Actress” and “Annoyingly Skinny” (because I’ve got a systematic method of keeping track of my posts and will not let this throw me off), but I made a whole new tag to really bring this one home! File this under “pleased with myself”. (I’m not really filing it under that, you can only go so far with this B.S.)
A bunch of naked cell phone pics of a person who is either Bake Lively or a girl who looks so much like Blake Lively that she should copyright her face and try to get in on those Gossip Girl residuals have recently surfaced and, as is the standard operating procedure here in Hollywood, her reps are denying it’s her. You guys, we’re not idiots. You know what they say: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and flaunts its incomprehensibly perky DD’s like a duck, then you’ve got some seriously F’d up sexual fantasies and need to stay far away from the zoo. I’m not going to post the actual pictures here because sometimes my dad reads this blog and that’s just gross (but I’ll link to them here <– not for you, dad).
If you read this blog regularly you know I’m something of an “idea person”, check out this one: Blake Lively starts telling everyone the naked pics are of me! Her name is cleared and she can go on being “that pretty horse-faced girl from Gossip Girl” and I can move forward with my career being known as “that comedian whose naked body is so bangin’ she was once accidentally mistaken for that pretty horse-faced girl from Gossip Girl.” Talk about a win-win!!
PS. Can you believe what I found when I googled images for “duck with boobs”??!?!?!
Yesss! Victoria Beckham is currently in talks to do one of those naked pregnant lady photo shoots for the cover of Vogue. In other words… FAT POSH SPICE PICS!!! As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, the impossible girth of Victoria Beckham’s thighs literally keeps me up at night. How is it possible for a human to be so tiny? She makes the Olsen twins look downright chubby (Btw, anyone heard from them lately? They may have gotten lost in giant fur coats, maybe someone should go check on them.)
Seeing some “fat, happy and preggers” pics of the old broad would be refreshing. I’ve had a few pregnant friends, so I’d like to offer some styling suggestions based on my knowledge of what pregnant people do… picture it…
1. Victoria sitting in an unmade bed, surrounded by cheese puffs and cookie dough, watching Live with Regis & Kelly. (This is an aspect of pregnancy I cannot wait for.)
2. Victoria standing next to the “junk drawer” in her kitchen, organizing coupons in alphabetical order. (I got my microwave, two stationary sets and most of my Christmas decorations from a friend who was doing some serious ‘nesting’.)
3. Victoria standing outside a sushi place making a sad face. (Hey pregnant ladies, we get it. You can’t have sushi. There’s plenty of other food out there, just suck it up for 9 months and live like middle America — without spicy tuna rolls.)
A few days ago ice skater Johnny Weir announced he was gay and now Nicole Kidman admits she’s “tried Botox”. If Charlie Sheen spills the beans that he’s a sex addict we’ll have the ultimate trifecta of “uhhhhh, yeah, no shit” news stories.
I personally plan on getting Botox someday… not to look younger or anything — that would be crazy — but because when the aliens eventually come and start anally probing all the humans, I’ll run to the front of the line and you just watch, my face will be so frozen I won’t even FLINCH. That way the aliens will assume that all humans are immune to anal probing and they’ll hop back into their pulsating space craft and find another planet to bother, meanwhile I’ll be heralded across the globe as “Julia Lillis: Protector of the Free World!!” That, and I want to look younger.
Ginnifer Goodwin is an actress who I’ve never seen in anything, spells her name like a dumb ass and has that kind of short short hair that makes you just say “oh come on, really?”. So far, these qualities don’t scream “send this chick fan mail”, however, today I read that she’s been on Weight Watchers since she was 9. I find nothing more endearing than fat kids and no one more relatable than a woman on a diet. Ginnifer, I’m a fan.
I did Weight Watchers once — I had just moved to northern California and had no friends, and who makes better friends than fat people? So I started going to Weight Watchers meetings. They’ve got a whole system of allotting point values to the food you consume throughout the day… you add up all your food and then subtract out points for exercise, and don’t forget to carry over the extra points from the day before… it’s a lot of algebra. So in case dieting alone didn’t suck enough, Weight Watchers adds math. Super!
I didn’t end up sticking with the program. Mostly because I hate diets but also because it turns out not all fat people are friendly, especially those ladies in the Monday night Weight Watchers meeting in Seaside, CA in September 2002. F you girls. I hope you’re all still heifers.
Pussycat Doll front-woman/lead singer/girl-who-steals-the-mic-from-the-other-girls-all-the-time Nicole Scherzwhattheeffishernameger has officially filled the gaping hole left in my life when American Idol dropped Paula Abdul. As a “judge” on The Sing-Off, she offers consistently nonsensical commentary comprised mostly of crazy analogies that would probably only make sense to the homeless guy outside my building who speaks in made-up languages and thinks his collection of feathers are legitimate pets.
Like Paula, she seems like she’s just washed down a potpourri of anti-depressants and muscle relaxants with half a bottle of scotch. Another similarity: I have no idea what race she is — I think she’s the “misc.” they put as the last option on forms at the DMV — but I do know that I’m wildly jealous of the body skin of such “misc.” folks and wish I had a little “misc.” in my pasty white Irish blood. Nicole chimes in after each performance with something stupid. Like really stupid. Like so stupid you seriously can’t believe you’re listening to it. Like this last night:
“I felt like I was in a music video and it was slow motion, you follow me? And I was like in my favorite candy shop and I was like pickin’ all my favorite candy and I was in heaven. You follow?”
Are we sure she knows she’s on live television and not in her bed, just waking up, on the phone with her best girl friend describing the dream she just had? Thank God for Nick Lachey (never thought I’d say that), who cut her off before she went into the part about how “all of a sudden I was naked and my whole 6th grade class was there and we were at the candy shop and then out of no where, all of a sudden I’m not at the candy shop anymore, I’m in a Subway, the sandwich store not the mode of public transportation, and Tom Selleck shows up, but get this, he didn’t have a mustache, you follow me? It was sooooo crazy.”
The Natalie Portman ballet thriller Black Swan is in the process of breaking all kinds of records at the box office. I’ll tell ya, I’ve been saying for years that there’s an untapped market out there of folks who want to see pretty ballerinas AND morbid psychodramatics. Finally someone paid attention! I’m pretty excited to see it and, surprise surprise, once my boyfriend heard about the lesbian love scene between Mila Kunis and NatPort the “creepy ballerina movie” became a lot more interesting to him. Maybe Hollywood should take note of this phenomenon… add some lesbian lip locking and a would be “Girls Night Out” movie suddenly turns into a “Date Night” flick. A little girl-on-girl action in Eat, Pray Love 2* perhaps?
* Please don’t let there be an Eat, Pray Love 2.
PS. I would like to take a second here and point at that it’s official, Natalie Portman is NOT perfect. She has effed up toes from years of ballet. Score for us normal people!
The Night Before Thanksgiving! It’s like St. Patrick’s Day but without the stupid outfits made up of whatever green shit you have in your closet. The biggest drinking night of the year is here, so I’ve decided to write my fan mail today to someone who would really enjoy our pre-holiday holiday, Amy Winehouse. Here’s why I think she should be my drinking buddy tonight:
1. Amy’s is the kind of girl who could drink with you all night and then when you walk through the McDonald’s drive-thru at 2:30am and order a large #2 Extra Value Meal and a couple Snack Wraps she’s not gonna try to eat all your fries. It’s one of the few bonuses of hanging out with an anorexicy person.
2. She just got a pet monkey who would obviously hang with us all night.
3. I couldn’t write to Charlie Sheen two days in a row.
Here’s a little song I wrote that summarizes my plans for this evening:
I cannot believe I’m putting it out there that I’m a fan of Victoria Beckham. Until today I had always found so many reasons dislike her. The incomprehensible girth of her thighs, for example. I mean come on. So it shocked me to read that she’s finally done something that I can fully get behind… she talked shit about Lady Gaga’s wardrobe. Atta girl, Vicky! Way to use your bitchy Posh Spice powers for good!
Gaga’s music? Beyond catchy. I’ve had “Poker Face” stuck in my head for nearly two years now. Her outfits? Straight up ludicrous. In lieu of a stylist, it seems she just randomly opens a dictionary and wears the first word she sees. “Lobsters”? Perfect! “Bubbles”? Sounds great!
I made a video about this phenomenon a few months ago. You guys sit down and watch this piece of editing slop. I need to mail this letter fast so I can get back to disliking Victoria Beckham (She’s solely responsible for the popularity of the asymmetric bob. See, there’s another… I’m telling you, it’s an endless list).