Archive for the ‘Athlete’ Category

Dear Lance Armstrong…

Friday, January 18th, 2013

Lance Armstrong was apparently prepared to do anything to win, including blood and plasma transfusions, injections of human growth hormone testosterone and calf’s blood. I don’t get it. Honestly. What’s so great about winning?

Reasons winning is overrated:

1. People don’t like winners (look what it did to Charlie Sheen). We like losers. ie. June Shannon (Honey Boo Boo’s mom). No denying she’s a total loser, and guess what? I LOVE HER! The term “lovable loser” exists because losers are, in fact, lovable. Not like prick-faced Lance Armstrong. He’s so unlikeable, he should play a Republican in a movie.

2. Losers make average people feel better about themselves. Why do you think I continue to be friends with like 15% of my Facebook friends? (not you, whoever is reading this, you’re awesome).

3. When you win all the time, people expect you to continue winning, which puts pressure on you to win, which leads to stress, and as we all know, stress is where wrinkles come from and fuck it, I’d rather be a 45-year-old loser who still gets carded at bars than a raisin-faced winner.

So here’s my advice to Lance… go out there and do some solid LOSING for awhile!

Dear Charles Barkley…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!

Dear Tim Tebow…

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Holy crap.  Literally.  I’m beyond confused as to why everyone is so opinionated on/fascinated by/won’t shut the hell up about Tim Tebow.  I think he’s gotten more press for talking about Jesus Christ than the actual Jesus Christ would get if he was here today.  If Jesus came back for a Second Coming (or whatever*) He’d probably trend on Twitter for a few days and then something like “#iluvBieber” would knock Him off the charts.

* Second Coming, etc. etc… not sure how all that stuff is supposed to go, I kind of forget… 12 years of Catholic school and you’d think I’d be all over this stuff.  I would like to point out that those nuns at least instilled in me that you have to capitalize “Him.”  Nailed it! Woah. Too soon.

PS.  Two sports posts in a row. That oughta do it for awhile.

Dear Khloe Kardashian-Odom (again!)…

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011

I’m not a sports girl.  I’m not that “guy’s girl” who loves to talk about sports (and, in my experience, talk about how she loves to talk about sports and only have guys as friends. FYI, “guy’s girls” out there, all those “pals” of yours are just trying to get in your pants and don’t give a shit what you think about the BCS play-off system. And for the record, I don’t even know what the BCS play-off system is, I had to google “debates in sports” just to write something there.)  I have female friends and we like to talk about things like “Camille’s BFF on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has a lesbian crush on her,” “how many calories are in gin?” and “do you think I can pull off hammer pants?”  So I barely even recognized myself when I uttered these words to my fiance yesterday: “hey, did you hear Lamar Odom was traded to the Mavericks?”

That’s right, get your sports gossip here folks.  Lamar is going to Dallas, which means Khloe is going with him, which then implies that Khloe & Lamar Take Texas is already on the 2013 schedule on E!… and I. Can’t. Wait.

Khloe is the koolest member of the klan.  She’s funny and she doesn’t wake up wearing fake eyelashes and a full face of make-up (ah hem, Kim).  And I’m willing to bet that if she and I ever hung out, she’d indulge me in conversations about Camille, gin and hammer pants.

 

Dear Alex Rodriguez…

Friday, June 3rd, 2011

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez dumped Cameron Diaz after almost a year of dating because “she was too needy”.  Well of course she was needy, she’s slowly watching every decent guy in Hollywood get scooped up.  I mean, when Scarlett Johansson starts dating Sean Penn you know the pickins are slim (in related news, they just broke up — surprise surprise!).  Over the years my feelings towards Cameron Diaz have been like the waves she’s constantly talking about surfing… sometimes I’m riding high on the “Cameron Diaz is hilarious” crest (My Best Friend’s Wedding) and sometimes I’m drowning in the “how can a person this annoying be this famous” rip tide (everything other than My Best Friend’s Wedding).

According to the crack reporting team over at fitPerez, the couple broke up because Cameron was needy and tried too hard to please him… which is code for “why the hell that bitch gotta feed me popcorn in front of the whole world like that!?”  Let’s get real, that popcorn-feeding shot of them during the last Superbowl was curtains for this relationship.  For some couples it’s money issues, or lack of communication, or infidelity, but we should never overlook the silent relationship killer: Orville Redenbacher.

RIP “Camerod”

Dear Shaquille O’Neal…

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011

Shaquille O’Neal has announced that after 19 years of basketball he’s finally giving up this whole “I want to be an NBA legend” dream. Well I guess it’s about time.  What can you say, he gave it a real shot.  Hopefully now he’ll be able to get back to what he’s really good at: dropping beats and spitting rhymes.  Remember the ‘90s when he released the classic (yet-oft-overlooked) rap albums Shaq Diesel and Shaq Fu: Da Return?  Now that he doesn’t have to worry about shooting his lay-ups or boxing things out or making full court presses will he put out the currently un-released album Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends, Vol. 1?!  Do we dare anticipate follow on Volumes of this inevitable classic?  Shaq, your fans are waiting!

RIP Macho Man Randy Savage…

Friday, May 20th, 2011

Macho Man Randy Savage died today after losing control of his car while suffering a heart attack.  The news hit me harder than one might imagine because… little known fact about Julia Lillis: I was once a huge WWF fan.  HUGE!  I saw Macho Man Randy Savage live and in person  at the Erie Civic Center in the early ‘90’s.  He was feuding with Jake the Snake Roberts at the time so obviously I was torn.  I love a macho man, but I was seduced by Jake and his boa constrictor.  Macho Man was crazy and exuberant, while Jake was dark and intense.  It’s the classic quandary that women the world over are faced with all throughout their lives: ride high with the wild child or fall hard for the man of mystery.  Was this Wrestlemania or was Vince MacMahon giving me a lesson in love?  I chose Macho Man then and I’d chose him again if I was given the choice right now.  Macho Man, you will be missed.  Ooooooh yeah!!!!!

Dear Snooki (again!)…

Monday, April 4th, 2011

Last night Snooki brought her fun-loving meatball antics to WWE’s WrestleMania 27 as part of the Brunette Mafia and proved that she’s more than just a horny, gorilla juicehead-chasing guidette with a drinking problem… she’s an athlete.  Who knew?!  (Also something I didn’t know — the WWE still exists.)

I’m no physics whiz, but the feats Snookems managed to perform seem to defy gravity. Isn’t there something in one of Newton’s Laws of Motion that indicates a beer keg of a body shouldn’t be able to flip and soar effortlessly through the air? Back flips, round offs, tumbling across the mat like there’s a guido meathead on the other side who she’s trying to get to… looks to me like Snookers has got some serious skills! Based on my very limited knowledge of what it takes to be an Olympic gymnast (I saw a Lifetime movie about it once), I think Snickers could do it! She’s got the moves, the confidence and she could teach those girls a thing or two about tanning.

PS. Gatorade, you might want to get started on a Ron Ron Juice flavor.

Dear Mike Tindall…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Zara Phillips is some kind of miscellaneous princess in England (12th in line to the throne… does that even count?) and she just got engaged to the strangest-looking man I’ve ever seen.  He’s a cross between Sloth and every white guy in the UFC and he’s got a nose that is clearly no longer serving it’s purpose as a nose… you can’t breath out of something that makes a sharp right turn can you?  And support sunglasses?  Forget about it!

From the pics, I gather Zara’s not picky about noses or the maintenance of her own fingernails and Mike doesn’t seem to care about purchasing an even close to appropriately sized diamond considering he’s  proposing to a G.D. princess.

Dear Eric Johnson…

Monday, November 15th, 2010

We all know that the moment you break up with someone you enter into an all out race between you and your ex to find love and happiness.  The first one to that finish line gets to passive-aggressively rub this happiness in their ex’s face via strategically placed pictures on Facebook or, for celebs, PerezHilton and US Weekly.  For Jessica Simpson, this race began in June of 2006 and a week ago I would’ve said her chances for victory were slim thanks to the recent engagement of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.  Today, however, I’m happy to report that she has a real fighting chance!

Turns out that Jessica’s summer fling with Eric Johnson (I know, I know, you’re like “who?!”) turned into something pretty serious.  Dating since May, Eric is that guy who went to Yale, played for the NFL and turned down an acceptance to Wharton to get his MBA in order to stay in LA with Jessica.  Because when you think of Jessica Simpson, don’t you instantly think “Ivy League”?

Now that we’re in the final stretch of this relationship Cannonball Run, I’m not sure who will get down the aisle first.  I am sure, however, that we’ll likely see both these nuptials on the VH1 or MTV’s 2011 lineup.  Who ever expected Newlyweds to have a sequel?!