Archive for the ‘Bad Asses’ Category

Dear Jon Bon Jovi…

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Bon Jovi is one of those guy who you don’t even know you’d miss until you think (for a period of about 45 minutes yesterday thanks to this fake post that went viral) that he might be dead.

There are two things I’m taking from this latest wildly viral celebrity death hoax:

1) Bon Jovi is not dead, as proven by the picture he posted yesterday afternoon.


2) I’m doing this whole internet thing all wrong.  Why blog every day trying to slowly build a fan base, increase page views and time on site, and hopefully get some respectable SEO stats than can be used to parlay my hard work and clever writing into something more, when all you really need to do post a fake random celeb death.  With all that in mind, I’d like to take a moment and say:


You will be missed :(

Dear Alec Baldwin (again)…

Wednesday, December 7th, 2011

I’ll admit it, I have a huge crush on Alec Baldwin.  He’s sexy, funny, seemingly smart and a total asshole.  And as we all know, chicks love assholes.  Furthermore, occasionally he takes one for the team and stands up for the every man.  Like yesterday when he got thrown off an American Airlines flight because he was in the middle of a game of Words With Friends and wouldn’t turn off his phone.

Here are some facts:
1.  There is no way in hell a little iPhone game has any effect on a plane’s navigation or operating system.
2.  I’m actually not sure about fact #1, but really, is there any way an iPhone game throws off a plane?  NO.
3.  I guess I shouldn’t have started a list of facts if I didn’t have more to offer than #1 and #2.  But come on… there’s NO FREAKING WAY.

So thank you, Alec.  Thanks for bucking the system.  Words With Friends fanatics everywhere applaud you!

Dear un-named Navy SEALs who croaked that dipshit bin Laden,

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

On a day like today who can write fan mail to reality TV stars (Nene Leakes deserves a shout out after throwing down with Star Jones last night on Celebrity Apprentice) or baby-making songstresses (Mariah Carey finally popped!) or the object of random celebrity sightings (I did a show with Brian Dunkleman — the original host of American Idol — on Friday night; not braggin, just… well yes, I guess I’m bragging)? Celebrities schmelebrities, today my heart felt fan mail goes to the brave ass-kickers who wacked Osama bin Laden last night!

As many of my readers know, I spent some time in the Navy myself. Granted, the most dangerous thing I ever did was attempt a 10-minute jump rope workout on the flight deck of a Guided Missile Destroyer* that was rocking and rolling in the unpredictable seas of the Northern Arabian Gulf (very, very bad idea). Oh, and then this one other time I got into the habit of eating a pie (no shit, a whole pie**) every single day for like two months of a six month deployment so that I no longer fit into any of my uniforms… not really dangerous but trust me, VERY uncomfortable. Tight pants are a girl’s worst enemy. Speaking of enemies (what a segue!), we all have one less of them today thanks to a handful of brave Navy SEALs. Thanks, guys. keep up the good work. You, and everyone else in our military are what make us the best damn country on earth! (well jazz and corn dogs helped too, but it’s really mostly you guys)

* Shout out to USS HIGGINS!! What what!!
** Seriously, another day, another pie: lemon meringue, pecan, strawberry cream, apple, key lime… it was amazing! Until I put on 18 pounds. Then it was the opposite of amazing.