Archive for the ‘Cleavage’ Category

Dear Christina Aguilera…

Sunday, January 29th, 2012

What an emotional weekend I had: sadness at the passing of the legendary Etta James… and then my first tingle of lesbianism at the sight of Christina Aguilera’s knockers as she sang at the funeral.  A lot of folks are gonna say it was inappropriate to put the girls on full display for the funeral of Etta James.  I, on the other hand, think they were the a lovely addition to the ceremony.  Note to whoever plans my funeral in the very very distant future:  see if you can book X-tina. Oh, and keep Al Sharpton far far away, that guy’s a fucking lunatic and I have no idea why people take him seriously.

Dear Katy Perry…

Friday, March 18th, 2011

Katy Perry’s mom is writing a book about what it’s like being Katy Perry’s mom, plus a lot of religious stuff because she’s an Evangelical Preacher and that’s kind of their thing.  Now I’m a huge fan of Katy Perry, mostly because of her music (“California Gurls” has been stuck in my head for 9 straight months), but I also admire the way she just throws those tits of hers on a platter and prances around in ridiculous outfits that look like they were made by pillaging a dumpster behind Toys R Us.  Her boobs really are a national treasure.  If I had boobs like that I’d be doing the exact same thing.  But I don’t.  Instead I wear pads and water bras and things filled with gel; wire and straps are usually involved and sometimes I throw in a pair of chicken cutlets for good measure… my chest is more like an arts and crafts project than anything that resembles cleavage.  Because of this, at various points in my life, I’ve left men wildly disappointed when I’ve pulled out the paper mache and rather than seeing some big ol’ fun bags they can bat around, they are faced with my mildly entertaining satchels.

In summary, if Katy Perry’s mom wants a best seller, it should just be about boobs.  About Katy Perry’s boobs.  About her own boobs.  About passing on this incredible boob gene to her daughter.  New York Times Best Seller for sure!!!

PS.  No homo.