Archive for the ‘Couples’ Category

Dear Russell Brand & Katy Perry…

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Over the holidays Russell Brand and Katy Perry told the world they were ending their marriage. Nooooooooo! From a girl who’s currently engaged to be married (me!, I know I know, enough talkin about it already) — IF RUSSELL BRAND AND KATY PERRY CAN’T MAKE IT, WHO CAN??!

(ps. if you think I’m upset, check out all of India.)

Dear Neil Patrick Harris…

Sunday, June 26th, 2011

On Friday afternoon the New York State Senate passed the Marriage Equality Bill, which means TLC is probably already in production on at least seven gay wedding shows — Say Yes to the Tux, Groomzillas, an even gayer version of David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding… honestly, this could get ugly.  Time Warner needs to offer a bigger DVR box, pronto — I’m already hovering at 85% capacity with all the Housewives and the Tiara’d Toddlers and the standard guy-girl wedding garbage.  I’m happy for the gays, don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled… but it seems sickly ironic that, while gays are celebrating what is most certainly a positive step for their relationships, my current relationship will be taking a giant step backwards if my boyfriend’s episodes of Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel start getting dropped in lieu of My Big Fat Gay Wedding.

Dear Jason Mraz…

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Musician Jason Mraz and his fiance have called it quits and said fiance is a woman. In all these years of just being vaguely aware of Jason Mraz as that guy who kinda sounds like Jack Johnson but wears lots of fedoras, I had no idea that he was straight.  What kind of straight man takes that much pride in his headwear?  Most straight guys are fairly disgusting and wear old baseball caps that they’ve had since college because they’re “broken in” and they “have personality”.  Yeah they have personality.  The personality of person who no one else wants to hang out with except for you because they’re old, ugly and reek of keg beer.

Dear Alex Rodriguez…

Friday, June 3rd, 2011

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez dumped Cameron Diaz after almost a year of dating because “she was too needy”.  Well of course she was needy, she’s slowly watching every decent guy in Hollywood get scooped up.  I mean, when Scarlett Johansson starts dating Sean Penn you know the pickins are slim (in related news, they just broke up — surprise surprise!).  Over the years my feelings towards Cameron Diaz have been like the waves she’s constantly talking about surfing… sometimes I’m riding high on the “Cameron Diaz is hilarious” crest (My Best Friend’s Wedding) and sometimes I’m drowning in the “how can a person this annoying be this famous” rip tide (everything other than My Best Friend’s Wedding).

According to the crack reporting team over at fitPerez, the couple broke up because Cameron was needy and tried too hard to please him… which is code for “why the hell that bitch gotta feed me popcorn in front of the whole world like that!?”  Let’s get real, that popcorn-feeding shot of them during the last Superbowl was curtains for this relationship.  For some couples it’s money issues, or lack of communication, or infidelity, but we should never overlook the silent relationship killer: Orville Redenbacher.

RIP “Camerod”

Dear Kim Kardashian (again!)…

Thursday, May 26th, 2011

Aw hell yeah!  Yesterday it was announced that Kim Kardashian is engaged to basketball player Kris Humphries!  Much like the Space Race of the 60’s and 70’s when we put a smack-down on Russia, this is the era of the Wedding Race and we’ve got our eye on you, England.  Sure they had their Sputnik moment with Pippa’s ass, but we’ve got a bride with an rear that defies logic, human anatomy, and the basic principles of physics.  They had adorable choir boys with angelic voices… screw angels, we’ll get Kanye!  You thought Prince Harry was a fun-loving wild child?  I see your Harry and raise you one party starter/drama queen Scott Disick!  Game on, England.  Game on.

Dear Ryan Reynolds…

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Is there anything more annoying than finding out that an ex is in love, thriving, and happy? Yes: add “having a baby with an Oscar-winning actor.” Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were married for 2 years, only separating in December, and last weekend she moved in with her new boyfriend Sean Penn. To make matters worse, by all accounts (except for those of her publicist, agent and all professional representation) she’s pregnant! Honestly, the latest image of Scarlett is so telling, it may as well be a sonogram:

That’s a knocked up chick if I’ve ever seen one. So what’s Ryan Reynolds to do? Mope? Bury himself in Cadbury Eggs, Mint Milanos and Sex & The City marathons on E! (my go to moves)? As Charlotte told Carrie just last night on a episode when she was bummed out about one of her many break ups with Big, it takes half the length of time you were with someone to get overhim (or her, presumably). Sooooo, in Ryan’s case he should ignore that math and just call me asap. Although I’m off the market (and in love and thriving and happy — ahem, hellooooo! to any of my exes who happen to be reading this) I’ve got plenty of friends I’d love to set him up with!

Dear Olivia Wilde…

Friday, February 11th, 2011

If this isn’t proof that no relationship can last under the pressure of Hollywood success, I don’t know what is. (Wow, what a romantic first sentence — maybe I should save this post for Valentine’s Day!)  Olivia Wilde has announced she’s divorcing her husband of 8 years, Prince Tao Ruspoli. Yeah that’s right… PRINCE… as in, the person that every character in every fairytale and animated Disney movie is trying to marry. That kind of prince. Only in Hollywood does an honest-to-goodness prince get dumped on his ass.

This brings me to the big question: who the hell does this chick think she is?! Good luck out there in the LA dating scene, Olivia! I’ve been there. Expect lots of dutch coffee dates (that’s not some new kind of coffee, that’s referring to the cheap LA idiots who can’t even buy a girl a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte) and guys who you think are really green because they ride their bikes everywhere, only to discover they’re actually homeless and your Michelob Ultra was just paid for courtesy of the suckers who gave him change while waiting in traffic at the intersection of Lacienega and Olympic. Love is in the air! No wait, that’s the stench of a guy who hasn’t bathed in a week, my bad.

Dear Dianna Agron…

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011


WHERE MY GLEEKS AT??!!!! Oh, just me huh? Just me and 26.8 million other people. Yeah, suuuure you don’t watch it. My boyfriend says the same thing and then conveniently finds  himself on the couch somewhere around the first barrage of Slurpees (then launches the requisite heterosexual guy comment, “I’ll put some Slurpee on your face, heehee heehee”).

Glee’s Dianna Agron is rumored to be engaged to her I Am Number Four co-star Alex Pettyfer.  According to their IMDB pages he’s 20 and she’s 24.  So that means they’re both in their mid-thirties and I think it’s high time they got hitched! Tick tock, tick tock, Dianna. That’s the sound of the clock in my mom’s living room when she sits me down and tells me she wants a grandkid and then there’s awkward silence while I stare at the ground and pick at my cuticles until she leaves the room.

Dear Selena Gomez…

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

18-year-old Disney actress (who I can only distinguish from Demi Lovato because Demi went to rehab and this chick hasn’t… yet) Selena Gomez is getting death threats because of her relationship with 16-year-old pop singing sensation Justin Bieber.  A few recent Twitter posts  from some less-than-thrilled “Beliebers” say things like:

“I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!!”
and
“If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!”

Selena’s camp is amping up her security detail and taking extra precautions in light of the recent threats.

Oh come on… what’s the big whoop?  She’ll be fine.  She’s got JUSTIN BIEBER to protect her.

Dear Macaulay Culkin…

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

Yesterday Macaulay Culkin got dumped by his girlfriend Mila Kunis and the whole world collectively said “she was dating him?!”  Amazingly enough, yes.  For 7 years.

Macaulay Culkin’s face (the creepy adult version, not the adorable 10-year-old version) should be affixed like a warning label to every child acting studio.  Go ahead, take your dumb kid to acting classes and commercial auditions and improv lessons and he may even get the lead role in a blockbuster movie and attain worldwide fame by age 11 but just watch out because before you know it he’s pushing 30, making a cameo appearance on WWE Raw at the Scottrade Center in St. Louis* and only trending on twitter because he got dumped by the chick from That 70’s Show.  Yeah, much better plan than “let him play outside like a normal kid”.

* The WWE Raw thing is the last credit listed for Macaulay on Wikipedia.  Seriously.