Archive for the ‘Couples’ Category

Dear Benjamin Millepied…

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

All guys have a thing for Natalie Portman.  It’s like it’s embedded in the male DNA or something.  When they describe her, there’s always a mention of the fact that she went to Harvard… which clearly has nothing to do with why guys like her because there’s a shitload of ugly chicks writing research papers and doing advanced calculus in Cambridge each year and none of them have the adoration of the entire male population.

Well I’m sure Scotch is being guzzled and beer is being chugged today as men across the land cope with the news that Natalie Portman is off the market — engaged and impregnated by the most unlikely type of guy — a male ballerina.  It’s kind of like the improbable relationship in Knocked Up.  In the movie, a fat, schlubby, unemployed pot-head hooks up with a successful, has-her-shit-together E! news reporter.  In this real life but just as far-fetched story, a fit, world renowned ballet choreographer and principal dancer at the New York City Ballet hooks up with a world famous, critically acclaimed actress.  Ok, so it’s not exactly the same thing, but seriously… a super hot chick hooking up with a male ballerina?!  I don’t buy it.

Dear Mike Tindall…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Zara Phillips is some kind of miscellaneous princess in England (12th in line to the throne… does that even count?) and she just got engaged to the strangest-looking man I’ve ever seen.  He’s a cross between Sloth and every white guy in the UFC and he’s got a nose that is clearly no longer serving it’s purpose as a nose… you can’t breath out of something that makes a sharp right turn can you?  And support sunglasses?  Forget about it!

From the pics, I gather Zara’s not picky about noses or the maintenance of her own fingernails and Mike doesn’t seem to care about purchasing an even close to appropriately sized diamond considering he’s  proposing to a G.D. princess.

Dear Gabriel Aubry…

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

Earlier this week Kim Kardashian dumped Gabriel Aubry who you may remember from when he was “the guy Halle Berry dumped” earlier this year.  Soooooooo that’s the guy… the guy in the picture up there… HIMhe’s the one who can’t manage to keep a lady.  In a situation like this I can’t help but think, “gee, I hope he has really bad breath.”  One case of severe halitosis and it becomes totally understandable why that Adonis can’t get a gal to stick around.  If, however, the breath is minty fresh there’s only one reasonable explanation: he’s just got a shitty personality.  And you know what they always say, “you can’t fix a shitty personality with a pack of Doublemint Gum.”

PS.  This theory applies to Jennifer Aniston as well.  She should really go to the dentist and get herself checked out.

Dear Kelsey Grammer…

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

55-year-old Kelsey Grammer just announced he’s engaged to his 29-year-old girlfriend Kayte Walsh and frankly, I have mixed emotions about it.

On the one hand, he JUST got divorced from ex-wife Camille of 14 years.  As in, I don’t even actually think they’re technically divorced yet.  So that’s shitty.  On the other hand, from what I can tell based on extensive reality TV research (ie. 7 episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Camille is a horrible human being.  So maybe I can kinda see where he’s coming from.  The question therein lies: is he still a dick if she’s really an asshole or is she an asshole because he’s a dick?  It’s a real chicken or the egg kinda thing… I’m writing my thesis on it; I’ll report back to you guys once I get to the bottom of this philosophical quandary.

PS.  What’s up with “Kayte”?  This is clearly the worst approximation of the name “Katie” of all time.  Were her parents just messing around?  Was her mom high on some early 80’s tranquilizer-esque epidural?  Or maybe her Mr. and Mrs. Walsh were simply really bad spellers.  All I know is, that’s not a name, it’s a typo.

Dear Randy and Evi Quaid…

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

If you haven’t been paying attention, here’s a recap (and no, I’m not making any of this up):  Randy Quaid and his wife Evi are currently on the run in Canada from a gang of wild killers called the “Star Whackers” who they say are responsible for the deaths celebs like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger and for some reason these two believe that they’re next on the list.

Well that all sounds reasonable.  Once you knock off the most famous pop singing sensation of all time and a beloved Oscar-nominated actor, Cousin Eddie and his bride seem to be the obvious next choice.  The only reasonable move these two wackaloons have made was hitting the road for Canada.  Canada sucks.  If the Star Whackers do exist I’m sure they’re like “Canada?  No way.  That’s where I draw the line.”

Some psychologists have chimed in on the case, saying the couple may be suffering from a psychological condition they call “folie a deux” — a French term meaning literally “the madness of two” — a condition in which two people have a twisted take on the world.  Do you think psychologists ever get bummed out when they realize they’ve incurred $250,000 of school loan debt just to state the totally obvious?

Dear Eric Johnson…

Monday, November 15th, 2010

We all know that the moment you break up with someone you enter into an all out race between you and your ex to find love and happiness.  The first one to that finish line gets to passive-aggressively rub this happiness in their ex’s face via strategically placed pictures on Facebook or, for celebs, PerezHilton and US Weekly.  For Jessica Simpson, this race began in June of 2006 and a week ago I would’ve said her chances for victory were slim thanks to the recent engagement of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.  Today, however, I’m happy to report that she has a real fighting chance!

Turns out that Jessica’s summer fling with Eric Johnson (I know, I know, you’re like “who?!”) turned into something pretty serious.  Dating since May, Eric is that guy who went to Yale, played for the NFL and turned down an acceptance to Wharton to get his MBA in order to stay in LA with Jessica.  Because when you think of Jessica Simpson, don’t you instantly think “Ivy League”?

Now that we’re in the final stretch of this relationship Cannonball Run, I’m not sure who will get down the aisle first.  I am sure, however, that we’ll likely see both these nuptials on the VH1 or MTV’s 2011 lineup.  Who ever expected Newlyweds to have a sequel?!