Archive for the ‘Creep’ Category

Dear Lo Bosworth’s Twitter ghost writer…

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

Casey Anthony was found not guilty!  Here’s what I’m assuming the jury was made up of: picture the dumbest kid you ever went to school with, then imagine him as an adult, then divide his IQ in half because he lives in Florida and subtract a few more because he wasn’t smart enough to get out of jury duty, then figure you’ve got 12 of that guy listening to fancy lawyers and their big words and their loopholes and their LSAT logic.  Yeah, sounds like our legal system is right on track!  My concern is this, if a maniac like Casey Anthony can be found innocent, then a person who is just as innocent as she is guilty, could be found guilty (damn, I would’ve aced the LSATs).  I’ve always had one of those faces that makes people say “you look just like someone I know”… that’s only a few steps away from an eye witness saying “you look just like the person I saw commit a homicide” and another hop skip and a jump away from my most significant TV credit being MSNBC’s Lockup: Extended Stay – Valley State Women’s Prison where I’m getting trashed on liquor I made in a toilet and giving myself a gang tattoo with a Bic and a bedspring.

PS. I wrote the fan mail to Lo Bosworth’s (from MTV’s The Hills, dad) twitter ghost writer because clearly she didn’t write this:

I mean, come on now.

Dear Jesse James…

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

Just last weekend I was laying by the pool, paging through some gossip mags and catching up on my “reasons to hate Jesse James”.  Let’s think, he cheated on Sandra Bullock (possibly our most prized national treasure)… now he’s on a book tour where he’s saying she was never that good in bed, she was kind of average looking, he bets she cheated on him too and she was selfish.  Oh yeah, and there’s also that whole thing about him being a Nazi.

Not to be outdone, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he cheated on Maria Shriver (A Kennedy! He cheated on a Kennedy! That’s like trying to pull a hoax on a gypsy… or give an Asian lady a manicure.)  Maria Kennedy Shriver was different though, she’s a class act no-nonsense kinda lady and Arnold screwed around on her with a member of their house staff (Sidenote: I can’t wait until I’m rich enough to have house staff. Note to self: they will all be ugly and unable to procreate.)  This house-staff-lady-whatever-that-means was then impregnated by the Sperminator and then gave birth to his bastard child and then (there’s more!) raised him for 10 years while still working for the shithead and his lovely Kennedy wife all the while telling her husband the child was his! Ok, I think that’s it.

On the plus side, there’s a 10-year-old kid out there who is finally able to make sense of why half his face is forehead and he’s got a body that looks like a refrigerator.

 

Dear Mel Gibson…

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Mel Gibson wrote his ex-lover/former unwilling sparring partner Oksana a bunch of love letters and those wily folks over at TMZ got their hands on them and posted them here.  Crazy, right?  I mean, who writes letters??  Oh yeah, old people.  Like Mel Gibson.  Oksana was probably getting these and thinking “Dis is fecking stoopit. Vat is he, like a hoondred yurs old?”

Clearly the best part is when he refers to himself as “your capitalist pig” and calls her “my dark eyed, beautiful little communist”.  Not your typical tug-at-the-heartstrings prose, but it does make me wonder what their sex talk sounded like… I bet one mention of tax cuts for the rich would put him over the top!