Archive for the ‘Drunk Television Personality’ Category

Dear Ricky Gervais…

Monday, January 16th, 2012

Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this past weekend — and I’d like to say, in my best British accent) can we do something about these bloody boring awards?  The faces are the same, the speeches are identical, the fake surprised looks are predictable, even George Clooney’s little pranks are getting boring.  That being said, I’m not one to just bitch about something without coming up with a plan (I mean, I was my high school class Secretary, you don’t win that prestigious post without learning a thing or two about making a sold plan of action).

1. All speeches should be short enough to be tweeted. 140 characters bitches!
2. Host: I’m gonna be flexible here… any member of any season of any version of The Real Housewives.
3. 4 drink minimum before anyone is allowed to speak.
4. Everyone comes dressed as their favorite civil war hero!
5. No shoes. For anyone. And then cover the floor in hot coals!
6. All interlude music is The Benny Hill theme song.
7. Losers are locked in cages and tormented by Dame Helen Mirren.
8. At the end of every speech, the recipient is required to say the phrase “but let’s be real here, we’re just actors, we’re not saving the world or anything, maybe we should get over ourselves.”*

* Angelina and Brad are exempt from #8 because I think they actually are saving the world.

Dear Kathie Lee Gifford…

Friday, January 7th, 2011

In a recent interview with Access Hollywood, Kathie Lee Gifford revealed that she’s never turned on a computer.  If I ever had to have a conversation with Kathy Lee I think it would be like talking to an aborigine, or a 3-year-old, or a rapper.  Not much common ground there.  I, on the one hand, am addicted to email and Facebook and twitter and blogging and internet porn (just kidding, mom… that was a joke. I don’t even know where to find internet porn).  Kathy Lee, on the other hand, is trashed off mimosas on national television every day before noon.

Come to think of it, maybe she’s doing something right.