Archive for the ‘Happy Couple’ Category

Dear Jessica Simpson…

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Classic Jessica Simpson TMI moment on Twitter the other day:

“Thank you Lord for blessing me with a Man that has the perfect Tush. Laying my hands upon it with peace:)”

I don’t know where Jessica learned to pray, but it definitely wasn’t from my first grade teacher at Our Lady’s Christian School, Sister Anne Louis.  That lady really knew her shit.  She had 30 seven-year-olds reciting The Our Father like it was a Barney’s Sing-Along.  First Communion… Confirmation… Twelve years of “Religion” class… not bragging or anything, but I think I’m kind of an expert on things you’re supposed to pray for… and thanking God for a perfect tush is not on the list.

ps.  “Tush”??  Really? Just because you wear mom jeans, doesn’t mean you have to use mom words.

Dear Mike Tindall…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Zara Phillips is some kind of miscellaneous princess in England (12th in line to the throne… does that even count?) and she just got engaged to the strangest-looking man I’ve ever seen.  He’s a cross between Sloth and every white guy in the UFC and he’s got a nose that is clearly no longer serving it’s purpose as a nose… you can’t breath out of something that makes a sharp right turn can you?  And support sunglasses?  Forget about it!

From the pics, I gather Zara’s not picky about noses or the maintenance of her own fingernails and Mike doesn’t seem to care about purchasing an even close to appropriately sized diamond considering he’s  proposing to a G.D. princess.

Dear Nicole Richie-Madden…

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Nicole Richie got married last weekend and as part of the lavish wedding festivities, she had a live elephant wandering around the party for entertainment.  Here’s what PETA had to say about it:

“We know that Nicole is opposed to the way in which baby elephants are slammed to the ground and gouged with steel-tipped bullhooks in order to train them… We’re  writing to her privately to respectfully ask her to keep exotic animals off  her guest list for future celebrations.”

“Slammed to the ground and gouged with steel-tipped bullhooks”?  Wow.  Thanks for that visual PETA.  I was just thinking “wedding… cake… flowers… happy shit…” and you guys roll in with the “steel-tipped bullhooks”.  Sooooo, now this is awkward because I thought the elephants sounded pretty awesome.  I mean, come on, even you guys gotta admit… elephants?  At a wedding?!

I say if you’re gonna go with elephants at a wedding, you should keep the whole theme consistent — circus wedding!!  Bridesmaids roll up in a clown car, groomsmen are nothing but midgets and circus freaks, a Fat Lady officiates and then the happy couple rides off into the sunset on the back of a tiger!