Archive for the ‘heart throb’ Category

Dear Santa…

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

What can I say, I’m a big fan of the guy…

Dear Justin Bieber…

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

Justin Bieber rented out the Staples Center and took girlfriend Selena Gomez there to watch Titanic together over the weekend (just me or did they do this in an episode of The Bachelor?? If not, I’m sure Chris Harrison is taking notes).

I disagree with so much of what Justin Bieber does: his silly haircut… his ridiculous line of nail polish… his creepy relationship with the least relevant singer ever, Usher.  Add this little stunt to the list.

I’m not being mean, I’m being empathetic.  Think of all the teenage guys out there who have to save up all their paper route money just to take their lady-friend out for a night of Olive Garden and 2nd base*.  Well fellas, the bar has been raised.

* Am I too easy?  What can I say, I’m a sucker for all-you-can-eat breadsticks.

Dear Antonio Sabato Jr…

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

If there’s a shitty gig, chances are Antonio Sabato Jr. has done it. His IMDB profile should be titled “what not to do in Hollywood”: two different soap operas, a VH1 reality show, more made-for-TV movies than Melissa Gilbert and Jaclyn Smith combined, plus the nail in the career coffin, a 2-episode arc on Joey. I know what you’re saying, you’re like “but Julia, he WON Celebrity Circus, the 2005 NBC reality competition show in which an all-star cast performed death defying circus acts and America voted for their Celebrity Circus champion, hosted by ‘N Sync’s own Joey Fatone!!!!” You’re right, you’re right… and I think we can all agree that when Antonio was launched out of the human catapult, rocketing right past Wee Man and Christopher Knight in the scoreboards, forever securing his place as Celebrity Circus king… he was peaking. It’s pretty much been a string of bad decisions since, and the news today is no different: Antonio just had a baby and named him Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III. I mean… come on. My rule of thumb with names is that they should never be worth more than 20 points in Scrabble. This kid’s got a 41-point middle name! As if it’s not already going to be hard enough for him trying to live down the fact that he’s Antonio Sabato Jr.’s son! Unless “yeah, well my dad can juggle flaming knives while doing rhythmic dancing and he knows Matt LeBlanc” carries some weight on the playground, this kid’s in for an ass beating.

Dear John Stamos…

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

Wow.  Big day for my childhood crushes!  First I read that John Stamos might replace Charlie Sheen on Two Douchebags and a Kid in an Awkward Phase, then I find out that Ralph Macchio still exists.  What has he been doing all these years?  Just holed up in a house in the hills living off that sweet Karate Kid coin?!

John Stamos, no.  Just no.  The horrific vertical color block bowling shirts.  The super cheesy this-is-what-a-bachelor-pad-in-Malibu-looks-like set.  The horrible sitcomy lines like:

Lyndsey: I think you underestimate your brother.
Charlie: Oh, it’s not an estimate. I already got the bill.

The terrible laugh track inserted after the horrible lines.  You’re so much better than this!  Stick to the things you’re good at, like Elvis impersonations and aging gracefully (uhhhh, he’s FORTY SEVEN and beautiful…. seriously, he’s giving Clooney a run for his money in the aging game).

In other childhood obsession news: Ralph Macchio will be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. If he thought those Cobra Kai douches bullied him before, wait until they get a load of him doing the Paso Doble.

Now if I could just get Kirk Cameron back in the news for something I’d have the ultimate childhood heartthrob trifecta!