Archive for the ‘Hot Mess’ Category

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

Well look who’s the little go-getter: Lindsay Lohan just signed a deal to pose for Playboy for a cool $1 million.

I’m confused — seriously.  So Playboy thinks that people will actually pay money to see her naked?  Huh.  Interesting hypothesis they’ve got over there.  If I’m ever faced with an image of a naked Lindsay Lohan, I think I’ll shell out cash NOT to see it.  If her baby-maker has aged as horribly as her face has it’s got to be TERRIFYING looking — that’s one beat up fire-crotch that will haunt you forever.


Dear Courtney Love…

Friday, March 4th, 2011

Courtney Love was crazy tweeting back when Charlie Sheen did nothing more on a daily basis than wear questionable shirts and recite shitty  jokes on CBS.  In 2009 Courtney was doing it all, a real smorgasbord of inappropriate twitter use: profane rants, nonsensical ramblings, telling off her lawyer, even posting some semi-naked pics that I will forever regret having subjected my eyeballs to.  Her piece de resistance was a string of 140 character tirades lashing out against fashion designer Dawn Simorangkir in which, among other things, Love accused her of having a criminal record.  Turns out Damn Simorangkir does not have a criminal record and decided to sue Courtney for libel.  Rather than go to court, Courtney settled the case today for $430,000

Ummmmmmm… so this means you can’t post lies on twitter?  Those bitches from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills better ix-nay on the eeting-tway about how much they love and support each other.  And I should probably stop all those tweets where I pretend I’m at the gym to make people think I do something other than watch reality TV and google myself all day.


Dear Lindsay Lohan (3rd time!)…

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Lindsay Lohan went to court yesterday and plead not guilty to the Felony Grand Theft charge against her for “allegedly” stealing a necklace from a jewelry store in Venice (my hood!). This “allegedly” stuff is bullshit. Unless the word “allegedly” has been redefined as “definitely” then I don’t know why everyone insists on using it in this context.

To court she wore a white skin-tight mini-dress, so basically the only way she could’ve been more inappropriately dressed would be if she wore the necklace she allegedly (read: definitely) stole. The judge did nothing but give her a stern warning and tell her that she was “no different than anyone else”… yeah, anyone else who gets away with stealing a $2500 dollar necklace.

PS. Yes, that fan mail was written on a picture of the actual necklace she stole. And yep, those are little gold handcuffs. And no, I’m not messing with you.

PPS. I wrote this post while watching Toddlers & Tiaras so if any of it doesn’t make sense blame those little vixens in the Ohio Southern Celebrity Pageant.

Dear Martin Sheen…

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Charlie Sheen is finally in rehab!  Apparently his dad asked him to go and you don’t not do what Martin Sheen asks you to do… this is POTUS we’re talking about.  He says “jump”, Bradley Whitford asks “how high?”  He says “quit doing blow with porn stars”, Charlie Sheen asks “ok, but how ‘bout crack with hookers?”

Now the big question is, what will happen to the price of cocaine while Charlie is in rehab?  If Econ 101 taught me anything, I know that this immediate and drastic decrease in demand will surely lead to a decrease in both price and quantity of cocaine nationwide.  Are we prepared to let our coke-whores snort cheap, sub-par cocaine?  Should the government step in and stabilize the market by subsidizing the commodity until Charlie is back in the game?  Let’s just all pray for his speedy recovery so that we don’t face yet another economic downturn.

Dear Rachel Uchitel…

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Can people stop acting like Rachel Uchitel is a celebrity?!  She was a hostess who slept with a golfer and now she’s famous?  When I was in high school I worked at Dairy Queen and hooked up with a caddy and all I have to show for it is an addiction to lime Mr. Misties and the most basic understanding of the handicap system.  I’m reading today that she just went out on a date with a guy she met one Facebook.  Unless his name was Phil Mickelson that’s not news.

Dear Lindsay Lohan (again)…

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

Lindsay Lohan is being released from her court-ordered rehab today.  The big question everyone is asking is “what should she do now?!” Actually, not that many people are probably asking that.  Apparently she’s launching a website and I think we can all agree that that’s a pretty shitty start to a big comeback.  Launching websites is so “2010”.  It’s 2011 now… she should invent a robot that will launch a website for her.  Or take a spaceship to outerspace and launch her website from the moon.  We’re living in the future now, people.  Time to think outside the atmosphere.

Dear Randy and Evi Quaid…

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

If you haven’t been paying attention, here’s a recap (and no, I’m not making any of this up):  Randy Quaid and his wife Evi are currently on the run in Canada from a gang of wild killers called the “Star Whackers” who they say are responsible for the deaths celebs like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger and for some reason these two believe that they’re next on the list.

Well that all sounds reasonable.  Once you knock off the most famous pop singing sensation of all time and a beloved Oscar-nominated actor, Cousin Eddie and his bride seem to be the obvious next choice.  The only reasonable move these two wackaloons have made was hitting the road for Canada.  Canada sucks.  If the Star Whackers do exist I’m sure they’re like “Canada?  No way.  That’s where I draw the line.”

Some psychologists have chimed in on the case, saying the couple may be suffering from a psychological condition they call “folie a deux” — a French term meaning literally “the madness of two” — a condition in which two people have a twisted take on the world.  Do you think psychologists ever get bummed out when they realize they’ve incurred $250,000 of school loan debt just to state the totally obvious?

Dear Amy Winehouse…

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

The Night Before Thanksgiving!  It’s like St. Patrick’s Day but without the stupid outfits made up of whatever green shit you have in your closet.  The biggest drinking night of the year is here, so I’ve decided to write my fan mail today to someone who would really enjoy our pre-holiday holiday, Amy Winehouse.  Here’s why I think she should be my drinking buddy tonight:

1.  Amy’s is the kind of girl who could drink with you all night  and then when you walk through the McDonald’s drive-thru at 2:30am and order a large #2 Extra Value Meal and a couple Snack Wraps she’s not gonna try to eat all your fries.  It’s one of the few bonuses of hanging out with an anorexicy person.

2.  She just got a pet monkey who would obviously hang with us all night.

3.  I couldn’t write to Charlie Sheen two days in a row.

Here’s a little song I wrote that summarizes my plans for this evening:

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Gotta love the latest Charlie Sheen debacle.  So now the porn star (hooker) is suing the actor (trainwreck) for false imprisonment and assault and he’s suing her for extortion.  I’m no algebra whiz but I think those cancel each other out.  Let’s just call it even and move on already!

Here’s the thing: it’s Charlie Sheen.  You don’t go to Taco Bell and complain when you get diarrhea, do you?  It’s just Charlie being Charlie… he’s the Miley Cyrus of adult men… he can’t be tamed!

I say Charlie needs to have an extended affair with a certain Ms. Betty Ford while Capri needs to disappear from the limelight because if one more G.D. hooker/call girl/mistress gets a reality TV show/book deal/CAA representation I swear to you someone’s* gonna hear about it!

* Dr. Joseph P. Tenley Ph.D., my therapist

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Monday, November 8th, 2010

What can I say, she won me over in Mean Girls.  She kind of lost me around the time she went on the coke-fueled car chase, but hell, I wasn’t in the car; who am I to hold a grudge?  Now’s she’s got 2 months left in rehab but was just spotted shopping it up at Forever 21 at a mall nearby… escaping the fortress that is Betty Ford all in the name of flimsy leggings and cheap jewelry?  She hasn’t pulled a caper like that since The Parent Trap hijinx with her British twin.  In my completely unqualified opinion it appears as if she’s fast on the road to recovery!