Archive for the ‘Jane of All Trades’ Category

Dear Khloe Kardashian…

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Khloe Kardashian has always been my favorite member of the E! Armenian triumvirate. Kim is the hot one. Kourtney is the boring one (who luckily has an insane boyfriend/baby daddy to keep scenes interesting). And Khloe was always the funny one. She also used to be the fat one but those days are gone (lookin good Khloe!). The problem is, the hotter she gets, the lamer she gets. I long for the days when she’d enter a room and verbally bitch slap a family member with a Khloeism (ie. “I hear the pitter-patter of a dinosaur,” as her mom walks in).  Lately it’s just a bunch of hot chick BS.  Let me make my case…

Exhibit A: this article in People (CLICK HERE). It’s all about her sex schedule with Lamar… ovulation calendars… how many days of the month she’s fertile… and she’s not even trying to get pregnant yet. Imagine this chick knocked up, it’ll be nothing but features in Us Weekly about lactation consultants and tummy time (fyi I don’t know what either of those terms mean, I googled “things pregnant people talk about” and that’s what I got).

Exhibit B: WTF is THIS? Ans: Unbreakable. Khloe and Lamar’s unisex fragrance. Fellas, for all those times you’ve thought “I just wish I smelled a little more ladylike.” Let’s be real, perfume is good, cologne is nice… but you ruin them both by combining them. It’s like peanut butter and chicken wings. Or jeggings.

Exhibit C: PDA. Constant, non-stop PDA which we’re all about to see a lot more of on their new reality show, Khloe & Lamar.  I get it, you guys love each other and you love making love (blech, call it sex already) and you love being one with one another both figuratively and olfactorally, but does the world have to see your spit flying? Your tongues wagging?  Get a room!  (or a giant house in Calabasas with manicured shrubbery and multi-car garages and walk in shoe closets… WHY?!  WHY CAN’T I FIND A NICE NBA PLAYER TO WHISK ME AWAY AND GIVE ME A LIFE LIKE KHLOE’S??!!  A LIFE FILLED WITH NANNIES AND PEDICURES AND GLUTEN-FREE SCONES!  I WANT A FANCY NBA WIFE EXISTENCE.  DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?  ARE YOU LISTENING? I JUST WANT A MAN WHO’S BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???)

So, ummmm, have a good Monday!

Dear Kim Kardashian…

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011

 

On the most recent episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Kim Kardashian freaks out when she sees naked pics of herself in an advance copy of W Magazine.  I know what you’re thinking… Did some stealthy paparazzi lurk outside her bathroom window and get shower shots?  Are these stills from a secret not-yet-leaked sequel to her first sex tape? Did W Magazine train a domesticated mouse to enter her bedroom with a little mouse camera attached to his little mouse head and take pictures of her getting into her PJ’s?  Nope, way crazier than any of that.  She posed for them. Got totally naked… stood in front of a photographer… and posed for them.  You really should watch the video at this link, but in case your boss is right behind you and you can’t think of a valid reason why the Kardashian Klan would be on your screen instead of the TPS reports* you’re supposed to be working on, here’s what Kim had to say about the pics:

“Oh my God, I’m more naked than I was in Playboy… you can see the nipples!… like, I’m so upset… they weren’t gonna show my asscrack or my nipple!”

Then her rep calls and says “I’m looking at the actual real hardcopy.  That is NIPPLE!”

They’re really worked up about this nipple business.  So I offer this video to Kim, as a way to ease her mind…

* Clearly I have no real world job experience.

Dear Oprah Winfrey (again)…

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Usually when you see the word “Oprah” and any other noun in a headline, it’s safe to assume that Oprah is giving away said noun to all the members of her studio audience, so when I first got online today I assumed Oprah was giving away a sister to everyone in the crowd.  Then I was like, “waaaaaait a minute, that doesn’t make sense.”  Turns out Oprah has a long lost sister!  Is there some place where I can put money down on how long it will take before this chick starts in on the extortion?  I mean, you don’t just find out you’re sisters with Oprah and go on showing up at your crappy job.  Oprah is worth infinity dollars… help a sister out! (literally)

Dear Jessica Simpson…

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Classic Jessica Simpson TMI moment on Twitter the other day:

“Thank you Lord for blessing me with a Man that has the perfect Tush. Laying my hands upon it with peace:)”

I don’t know where Jessica learned to pray, but it definitely wasn’t from my first grade teacher at Our Lady’s Christian School, Sister Anne Louis.  That lady really knew her shit.  She had 30 seven-year-olds reciting The Our Father like it was a Barney’s Sing-Along.  First Communion… Confirmation… Twelve years of “Religion” class… not bragging or anything, but I think I’m kind of an expert on things you’re supposed to pray for… and thanking God for a perfect tush is not on the list.

ps.  “Tush”??  Really? Just because you wear mom jeans, doesn’t mean you have to use mom words.

Dear Rachel Uchitel…

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Can people stop acting like Rachel Uchitel is a celebrity?!  She was a hostess who slept with a golfer and now she’s famous?  When I was in high school I worked at Dairy Queen and hooked up with a caddy and all I have to show for it is an addiction to lime Mr. Misties and the most basic understanding of the handicap system.  I’m reading today that she just went out on a date with a guy she met one Facebook.  Unless his name was Phil Mickelson that’s not news.

Dear Madonna…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Yesterday Madonna opened a gym in Mexico City… because when I think of Mexico City, I immediately  think “work-out fanatics!”  Just kidding.  I actually think “drug cartel”, “over-the-counter Vicodin” and “Montezuma’s Revenge” but it’s fine because Madonna doesn’t give a crap what I think.

Although her music has gone downhill since she released her “Immaculate Collection” back in the 90’s, her body has gotten increasingly ripped.  Now she’s 52 and she has the arms of a He-Man action figure.  I’ll admit, when I first saw the pics of Madonna’s sinewy biceps back in 2009 I was creeped out.  These days, well they’ve kind of grown on me.  I don’t mean to get all Gloria Steinem here but it’s nice to know that there’s a woman out there who doesn’t need a man’s help to move a dresser!  Or a grand piano.  Or a 10 ton vault filled with blocks of lead.  What I’m saying is, she looks pretty strong.

Dear Suzanne Somers…

Friday, November 26th, 2010

Happy Black Friday!  If you want to avoid the mall, may I suggest checking out www.suzannesomers.com?  I recently saw Suzanne on Larry King hawking a book about menopause (or something like that, I kinda zoned out), but I was intrigued to see that she was delving into the world of medicine so I checked out her website to see what else she was up to.  WOAH.  This chick is selling everything from bio-identical hormones to Pave earrings.  Among the myriad of tempting products I found one in particular that shocked* me.  Her  Facemaster contraption is simultaneously hilarious, horrific and encouraging.  The website says:

This micro-current stimulation contracts the 22 muscles on each side of the face, creating a tightening effect, much like the effect exercise has on our muscles.

Is that code for electrocution?  Because it sort of sounds like electrocuting your own face.  Either way, it’s fine by me; I’m all for beauty at any price so count me in!  My next paycheck may as well be written directly to Suzanne Somers!  I can’t wait to zap this 30-year-old face and start getting carded at bars again!

* Ha.  Get it?  Shocked me?  IKM