Archive for the ‘Media Mogul’ Category

Dear Justin Bieber…

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Justin Bieber was on David Letterman on Monday to promote his upcoming film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (wasn’t that a Bond movie?) and he briefly tried to explain to Dave what tweeting is.  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, a black person the breaststroke, or anyone over 50 what a DM is.  I tried to explain Twitter to my mom last time I was home and it was a total role reversal of what I’m sure it was like teaching me anything when I was a kid…

ME: So one cool thing is that people can mention you in their tweets.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because that way you can see that they mentioned you.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because you can click on this “@Mentions” tab right here and every tweet that has your name in it shows up.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because that’s how Twitter works.
MOM: Why?
ME: BECAUSE I SAID SO!

By the time we got to the “but why are there all these pound signs everywhere?” part of the conversation, I gave up. Good news is, however, she’s finally got Facebook mastered!  No more personal emails posted on my wall.  Go mom!

ps. Happy Black History Month!

Dear Regis Philbin…

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Ok first of all, yes, Regis Philbin is still alive.  I know, crazy, right?

So rapper Nicki Minaj was on “Live With Regis and Kelly” the other day Regis straight up started hitting on her, including some awkward clumsy touching and culminating with a tap on the ass (classic move!).

Given that he’s in the twilight of his life, I think it’s refreshing to see that he hasn’t given up on the ladies!  And who knows, maybe he has a shot.  Considering she’s a 25-year-old bisexual Trinidadian hip hop MC at the peak of her career with multicolored hair and lyrics like this…

“How ‘bout I $%& all on your #$@% and then I %$#* it off.

… it seems an unlikely pairing, but as they say, love is blind.  And now that I think of it, Regis is also probably basically blind at this point.  Maybe he wasn’t seducing her, he was just trying to “see” what she looked like by feeling her.  Cataracts are a bitch, ya know.

(I added the dorky %$^# because my dad recently told me he’s been reading my blog.  For the record, dad, I have no idea what Nicki is referring to in the lyrics above because I am an angel.)

Dear Madonna…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Yesterday Madonna opened a gym in Mexico City… because when I think of Mexico City, I immediately  think “work-out fanatics!”  Just kidding.  I actually think “drug cartel”, “over-the-counter Vicodin” and “Montezuma’s Revenge” but it’s fine because Madonna doesn’t give a crap what I think.

Although her music has gone downhill since she released her “Immaculate Collection” back in the 90’s, her body has gotten increasingly ripped.  Now she’s 52 and she has the arms of a He-Man action figure.  I’ll admit, when I first saw the pics of Madonna’s sinewy biceps back in 2009 I was creeped out.  These days, well they’ve kind of grown on me.  I don’t mean to get all Gloria Steinem here but it’s nice to know that there’s a woman out there who doesn’t need a man’s help to move a dresser!  Or a grand piano.  Or a 10 ton vault filled with blocks of lead.  What I’m saying is, she looks pretty strong.

Dear Oprah (Winfrey)…

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

Apparently I’m not the only one who wants to binge on brownies after some downward-faced-dogging and will celebrate my completion of “A Course In Weight Loss” with 820 calories and half my daily fat intake’s worth of homemade mac and cheese (because obviously I’ll eat 2 servings).  This lady just gets me!

I’ll be honest, I never watch Oprah.  I’m sure she’s really nice and all that, I just think of The Oprah Show as the gateway drug to daytime worthlessness.  You make Oprah appointment television and it’s a slippery slope before you’re up to speed on Luke and Laura (are they still around?).  Apparently on Friday she had her annual “favorite things” episode where she gives everyone in the audience all kinds of shit and they, in turn, lose their shit.  Like this guy:


While I admittedly don’t watch Oprah, I’m aware of “The Oprah Effect” and was thinking that my comedy career could get a little boost from something like that.  I looked into getting booked on The Oprah Show and found this: “Susan Harrow’s Ultimate Guide to Getting Booked on Oprah: Super Training Kit”.

Turns out that for the low, low price of $847 (plus shipping & handling) I can get booked on The Oprah Show!  Oh wait, no, that’s not it.  For the low, low price of $847 (plus shipping & handling) I can get some books about how to get booked on The Oprah Show.  Well that sounds like a deal!  Wait a second, there I go again, let’s think about this.  No, no it doesn’t.  That actually sounds like a total scam.

I’ll tell ya what, Susan Harrow, as soon as I see your Ultimate Guide on Oprah’s Book Club, I’m in!  Until then, my dreams of being on Oprah will have to rely on good ol’ fashioned fan mail to one Ms. Winfrey (see above)… cross your fingers!

ps.  Yes, I made stationary from a picture of mac and cheese.