Archive for the ‘Musician’ Category

Dear Will.i.am…

Monday, November 28th, 2011

The Black Eyed Peas announced over the weekend that they’re finally giving our poor defenseless ears a break!!  They’re calling it quits!!!*

* I’m exaggerating.  Technically they’re saying they’re only “taking a break” and this is NOT a “break up” but I’m a kid of divorced parents so if experience tells me anything I’m guessing Will.i.am already has his luggage packed and will be hived up at the Motel 6 for a few weeks until he rents a shitty apartment that he fills with futons, board games and take out menus.

Dear Solange Knowles…

Monday, August 29th, 2011

The big news in the Knowles family this past weekend should have been be the fact that Beyonce is pregnant and she was announcing it at the VMA’s.  WOO HOO!!

Yeah, that’ should’ve been the big woop.  But it wasn’t.  In a typical “hey look at me, I’m the little sister and I need attention too” move, while big sis was announcing her pregnantness, Solange was up to the following:

1.  trying to sneak into a bar in Miami with a 5 foot long inflatable banana
2.  getting into an altercation with the cops regarding the aforementioned 5 foot long inflatable banana
3.  accusing the Miami cops of racism for not letting her into the club because she’s black (not because she wouldn’t let go of her damn 5 foot long inflatable banana)

Sure, maybe the cops were being prejudiced — prejudiced against dumbassness– and not only am I fine with that, I’m all for it!  If you ask me, we need to be prejudiced against dumbasses  a lot more often in this country.  We can start with inflatable  banana-toting R&B singers and then make our way to SUV drivers who park in compact spots.

You can’t just go around with a 5 foot long inflatable banana and think everyone’s gonna be cool with it.  For the most part, NO ONE is actually going to be cool with it.  People might pretend they’re cool with it.  To her face her friends are probably all saying “Oh Solange you’re so crazy! You’re so fun! You’re the life of the party!”, but behind her back you can be sure it’s more like “enough with the G.D. banana!”

 

 

Dear Jason Mraz…

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Musician Jason Mraz and his fiance have called it quits and said fiance is a woman. In all these years of just being vaguely aware of Jason Mraz as that guy who kinda sounds like Jack Johnson but wears lots of fedoras, I had no idea that he was straight.  What kind of straight man takes that much pride in his headwear?  Most straight guys are fairly disgusting and wear old baseball caps that they’ve had since college because they’re “broken in” and they “have personality”.  Yeah they have personality.  The personality of person who no one else wants to hang out with except for you because they’re old, ugly and reek of keg beer.

Dear Pink…

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

Pink got the worst hair cut of all time.  Here’s a woman who’s about to have a baby, and the first thing this kid will see is:

This baby’s gonna open its eyes and think “Great, just great… just spent 9 months trying not to drown, got squeezed through a vaginal canal half the size of my head, and now I have to deal with this gray-haired little boy!?”  Luckily Pink realizes how bad it is, and recently tweeted:

The United Butchers Association immediately released a statement saying they had nothing to do with Pink’s haircut, and regret that they have in any way been linked to such a monstrosity.

 

Dear Willie Nelson…

Monday, November 29th, 2010

Willie Nelson was arrested for pot possession over the holiday weekend.  That’s the second time this year, plus he’s been busted for moonshine and shrooms in the past.  Moonshine.  I honestly didn’t even know that was a real thing.  And shrooms!  How “senior year of high school” of you, Willie!

Now I’m not a big pot head.  I mean, I have a prescription for it and everything, but I live in California.  Having a medical marijuana card is like having a drivers license (only, when you get pulled over make sure you pull out the license, not the pot card).

I think Willie needs to park his tour bus in sunny CA and let his fans come to him.  First of all, pot is legal here; and secondly, he’s 77!  When I’m closing in on 80, if I happen to be an iconic pot head country singer-songwriter with legions of dedicated fans, mark my words, I’ll find a nice plot of land near the beach, sit back with my guitar and a joint and let my fans flock to me!

So, for my mom who still seems to think I have no “plan” for my life, there you go: become an octogenarian stoner country singer on the beaches of Malibu.  It’s a long way from Supreme Court Justice but I think I think I missed that bus long ago (like somewhere around senior year of high school — they tend to frown on fun-loving shroom stories in the nation’s high court).