Archive for the ‘Pop Singing Sensation’ Category

Dear Nicole Scherzinger…

Friday, December 17th, 2010

Pussycat Doll front-woman/lead singer/girl-who-steals-the-mic-from-the-other-girls-all-the-time Nicole Scherzwhattheeffishernameger has officially filled the gaping hole left in my life when American Idol dropped Paula Abdul.  As a “judge” on The Sing-Off, she offers consistently nonsensical commentary comprised mostly of crazy analogies that would probably only make sense to the homeless guy outside my building who speaks in made-up languages and thinks his collection of feathers are legitimate pets.

Like Paula, she seems like she’s just washed down a potpourri of anti-depressants and muscle relaxants with half a bottle of scotch.  Another similarity: I have no idea what race she is — I think she’s the “misc.” they put as the last option on forms at the DMV — but I do know that I’m wildly jealous of the body skin of such “misc.” folks and wish I had a little “misc.” in my pasty white Irish blood.  Nicole chimes in after each performance with something stupid.  Like really stupid.  Like so stupid you seriously can’t believe you’re listening to it.  Like this last night:

“I felt like I was in a music video and it was slow motion, you follow me? And I was like in my favorite candy shop and I was like pickin’ all my favorite candy and I was in heaven.  You follow?”

Are we sure she knows she’s on live television and not in her bed, just waking up, on the phone with her best girl friend describing the dream she just had? Thank God for Nick Lachey (never thought I’d say that), who cut her off before she went into the part about how “all of a sudden I was naked and my whole 6th grade class was there and we were at the candy shop and then out of no where, all of a sudden I’m not at the candy shop anymore, I’m in a Subway, the sandwich store not the mode of public transportation, and Tom Selleck shows up, but get this, he didn’t have a mustache, you follow me?  It was sooooo crazy.”

Dear Madonna…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Yesterday Madonna opened a gym in Mexico City… because when I think of Mexico City, I immediately  think “work-out fanatics!”  Just kidding.  I actually think “drug cartel”, “over-the-counter Vicodin” and “Montezuma’s Revenge” but it’s fine because Madonna doesn’t give a crap what I think.

Although her music has gone downhill since she released her “Immaculate Collection” back in the 90’s, her body has gotten increasingly ripped.  Now she’s 52 and she has the arms of a He-Man action figure.  I’ll admit, when I first saw the pics of Madonna’s sinewy biceps back in 2009 I was creeped out.  These days, well they’ve kind of grown on me.  I don’t mean to get all Gloria Steinem here but it’s nice to know that there’s a woman out there who doesn’t need a man’s help to move a dresser!  Or a grand piano.  Or a 10 ton vault filled with blocks of lead.  What I’m saying is, she looks pretty strong.

Dear Eric Johnson…

Monday, November 15th, 2010

We all know that the moment you break up with someone you enter into an all out race between you and your ex to find love and happiness.  The first one to that finish line gets to passive-aggressively rub this happiness in their ex’s face via strategically placed pictures on Facebook or, for celebs, PerezHilton and US Weekly.  For Jessica Simpson, this race began in June of 2006 and a week ago I would’ve said her chances for victory were slim thanks to the recent engagement of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.  Today, however, I’m happy to report that she has a real fighting chance!

Turns out that Jessica’s summer fling with Eric Johnson (I know, I know, you’re like “who?!”) turned into something pretty serious.  Dating since May, Eric is that guy who went to Yale, played for the NFL and turned down an acceptance to Wharton to get his MBA in order to stay in LA with Jessica.  Because when you think of Jessica Simpson, don’t you instantly think “Ivy League”?

Now that we’re in the final stretch of this relationship Cannonball Run, I’m not sure who will get down the aisle first.  I am sure, however, that we’ll likely see both these nuptials on the VH1 or MTV’s 2011 lineup.  Who ever expected Newlyweds to have a sequel?!