Archive for the ‘Rapper’ Category

Dear Jay-Z…

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

Jay-Z took the subway to his show in Brooklyn and sat down to an adorable lady who has no fucking clue who he is. Really, it’s precious. Especially at the end, when she pretends to know who he is. I’m surprised she didn’t ask what “J.Z.” stands for.

Sidenote: THE SUBWAY? I hope your next song is about Purell.

PS. You just know Beyonce was like “oh hell no… I’ll meet you there.”

Dear Flo Rida…

Thursday, June 9th, 2011

Rapper Flo Rida got busted for drinking and driving at 3:30am this morning.  Police pulled him over after noticing him swerving in his $1,700,000 million Bugatti.  You read correctly — 7 digits.  C-level rapper/one hit wonder Flo Rida has a million plus dollar car.  You guys, I think we’re all in the wrong business (unless I have any rapper readers — you guys are all set.. need any back up singers or posse members?  I’m currently looking to make my way up the rap ladder.)

Seriously, how does he have a $1.7 million car?!?!  Clearly he’s up to something shady — this whole rap career is probably just a cover up for a money laundering business, like those strip mall fortune tellers or Edible Arrangements.  I mean really, Edible Arrangements?  You expect me to believe that that many people are sending $90 arrangements of pineapple and cantaloupe?  There’s no freaking way.  IRS, why don’t you quit sending me scary letters about the $245 I owe you from 2007 and dig into this fruit basket business!

Dear Diddy…

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

The artist currently known as Diddy wants to be an actor and apparently he thinks he can tweet his way to the top. From his twitter account today:

Attention all Film directors, casting agents, producers, writers! I am a aspiring actor for Hire! Pls call me if you have a job 4 me! 4real

I take direction well. I’m always on time. I don’t come with a entourage! and I know how to play my position! No EGO! I wanna work! Hire me!

For all acting inquiries pls contact my agents at CAA-Nick Styne @tricky44 and David Bugliari @dbugliari !!!

I’d like to see Diddy start at the bottom and get into commercials before diving into films. I’m not talking celebrity product endorsement, I’m talking drunk guy in a Budweiser commercial… confused husband looking to switch to Progressive Car Insurance… just another backed up fella in the grocery store who gets enticed by Jamie Lee Curtis and her so-tasty-you’ll-shit-yourself yogurt!

I’m fine with Diddy getting into acting but I just hope it doesn’t turn him into a giant pussy… one of these LA wieners who think they’re impressing you with lines like “I can finally cry on cue” or anything that starts with the phrase “So last night at my improv class we did this scene…”  I can pretty much guarantee that any man who CAN cry on cue, CAN’T change his own oil, properly cook a steak, use a power tool, hook up the propane on a grill or correctly identify any player on the any team in the NFL.

Dear Eminem…

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Eminem has just passed Lady Gaga as the world’s most popular living person on Facebook.  I’ll be honest, I think it has less to do with his latest CD and more to do with that Chrysler ad.  Have you guys seen it?  Making Detroit look look anything less than straight up terrifying — that takes some skill.  He already won a Grammy this year, is there time for the Oscars to add a new category: “Best Lead in a Commercial”?  I mean let’s face it, Detroit is a total shit hole.  It’s like a bigger, dirtier Buffalo — but at least Buffalo has good wings.  Detriot’s got nothing other than, uh, hmmmm, well… I really wanted to put something good right here and after 3 minutes of staring at my computer screen I can’t seem to think of a single thing.  Yet somehow you throw Eminem behind the wheel of a Chrysler and score it with some pulsating “8 Mile” tunes and I’m over here rooting for Detroit like it’s an ugly 3-year old on Toddlers & Tiaras or the homeless son of an addict on Idol.  Let’s go Detroit!!

PS. Just discovered one good thing about Detroit: they’re erecting a life size statue of Robocop downtown. Ok ok Detroit, sheesh! You win!

Dear Regis Philbin…

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Ok first of all, yes, Regis Philbin is still alive.  I know, crazy, right?

So rapper Nicki Minaj was on “Live With Regis and Kelly” the other day Regis straight up started hitting on her, including some awkward clumsy touching and culminating with a tap on the ass (classic move!).

Given that he’s in the twilight of his life, I think it’s refreshing to see that he hasn’t given up on the ladies!  And who knows, maybe he has a shot.  Considering she’s a 25-year-old bisexual Trinidadian hip hop MC at the peak of her career with multicolored hair and lyrics like this…

“How ‘bout I $%& all on your #$@% and then I %$#* it off.

… it seems an unlikely pairing, but as they say, love is blind.  And now that I think of it, Regis is also probably basically blind at this point.  Maybe he wasn’t seducing her, he was just trying to “see” what she looked like by feeling her.  Cataracts are a bitch, ya know.

(I added the dorky %$^# because my dad recently told me he’s been reading my blog.  For the record, dad, I have no idea what Nicki is referring to in the lyrics above because I am an angel.)

Dear Snoop Dogg…

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

Mad props to Snoop Dogg for the track he just dropped!!! (I have literally never used half of the words in that sentence in that context before.  How did I do?)

The royal family has asked Snoop to perform at Prince William’s engagement party so he wrote a song just for the occasion and released it yesterday.  I know exactly how this happened… that wily Prince Harry came in to see the Queen and was like “grandmumum, could we have a dog perform at William’s paahty?  He’s quite brilliant, my favorite dog in fact… wouldn’t you like to see a lovely dog from America perform at the paahty grandmumum??”

She’s gonna show up to this engagement party expecting to see a juggling schnauzer and get this instead:

PS. Bring your green hat!

Dear Foxy Brown…

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

Rapper Foxy Brown recently turned down a plea deal in a case where she’s being charged with mooning her Brooklyn neighbor.  Now I’ve never listened to a Foxy Brown song, and believe it or not I’m not much of a rap aficionado, but Foxy Brown just earned herself a fan by the name of Julia Lillis!  What a classic move!  Just throw those butt cheeks out there and let the crack do the talkin, Foxy!

I’m a huge fan of anyone who has the balls, er, rather, who is enough of an ass to pull off a successful mooning.  I’ve never been one to moon, but that’s not because I don’t love the sentiment it gets across; I simply don’t have the assets to make it compelling.  My moon would leave the moonee more confused at what they had just witnessed rather than enraged and defiled (and really, that’s what you’re going for when set your ass free and aim it at the enemy, right?).  Well clearly the recipient of this mooning was enraged and/or defiled because this case is going to trial!  My vote for Foxy’s courtroom attire:  assless chaps.

Dear Lil Wayne…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

MSNBC’s “Lockup” really is a great show.  Some of those prisoners would make damn good middle-school arts and crafts teachers; ironic, since that’s one of those jobs they could never, ever get.  They fashion shivs out of pork chop bones and styrofoam cups, tattoo needles from bed springs and ball point pens… those crafty lushes at the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility even made wine in their toilets with a sock, an apple and some bread.  And here I was complaining that my Target brand boxed wine tasted like shit!

But now, to get to the real reason for this post:  I am sincerely pleased that everyone’s favorite southern rap phenom Lil Wayne is out of the big house!  I watched a documentary about him a few weeks ago and he seems like a pretty nice guy!  Granted, most folks who smoke pot all day long are pretty nice guys.  Like non-stop.  He smokes pot non-stop, the whole movie, in every scene, in every shot.  At first I thought I had popped a Judd Apatow flick in by accident, but then I was like, “wait, there are no black guys in Judd Apatow movies”… and only a black guy can pull off hair like Lil Wayne.  Trust me, there was an unfortunate 3-month period in high school when I thumbed my nose at hairbrushes and wore nothing but Phish t-shirts and corduroy pants.  Believe it or not, my white girl dreads* didn’t look nearly as cool as Lil’s.

So congrats, Lil Wayne!  I hope you’re celebrating with non-shitter liquor and a big ol’ blunt!

* or as my mom called them, “that rat’s nest on my head”