Archive for the ‘Reality TV “Star”’ Category

Dear Kat Von D…

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

Kat Von D was on twitter today calling her ex Jesse James a cheater.  And the entire world replied with a collective “duh”.

Listen, when you date a guy who cheats on Sandra Bullock, you’ve got to realize what you’re getting yourself into.  It’s like dating Snooki and expecting her to start wearing underwear and not show her vagina to hundreds of club-going Italians (ahem, Jionni, are you listening?).  When the WHOLE COUNTRY is calling someone a cheater, you kinda gotta listen.  Just like in college when the whole football team called my boyfriend “Gay Timmy”, maybe I shoulda taken note.

Dear Ray J…

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

Kim Kardashian was married over the weekend and, while most young couples get themselves in debt with $34 mixed medium wedding invitations and personalized scented soy candle party favors, Kim will be earning a cool $15 million on her big day.  Happy Monday!

The problem is, no matter how much money she makes or how successful she becomes, her wikipedia entry will forever start with “made famous by getting pissed on by Brandy’s brother in a skeevy sex tape” (I’m paraphrasing here… but honestly not by much); a fact that her future children… her children’s children, will all be painfully aware of: “yeah, grandmama got peed on like a dirty little whore by some rapper”  (is Ray J a rapper and, more importantly, am I racist for assuming that he is?).  So, friends, it’s a matter of character, dignity, self-worth… a time to look deep into your soul, check in with your moral compass and ask yourself: “would I get pissed on for millions and millions of dollars?”.  And the answer (of course) is a resounding HELL YEAH!!!  Bring it!!!

Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Humphries!!

Dear Stacy Keibler…

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

Stacy Keibler is dating George Clooney.  Yeah.  THAT Stacy Kiebler.  The one who was a PRO WRESTLER.  So either she has a great personality or she’s really good in the kitchen (and by kitchen I mean bedroom).  The problem is, normal girls like me can’t compete with her bedroom prowess… she’s a trained professional when it comes to wacky out-of-the-box antics.  I bet she’s smashing break-away chairs over his head and doing back handsprings in her sexy nightie.  Now that’s foreplay!

PS… no posts this week… SOMEONE’S ONE VACAY!!!!!

 

Dear Ashley Hebert’s sister…

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

The day after The Bachelorette finale is always a bittersweet one.  I’m happy Ashley found her soulmate, but I’m sad because it’s obviously not going to last.  I’m thrilled I get my Monday nights back, but I’m bummed I have to think of some other excuse to drink a bottle of cheap Merlot on a weeknight.  It’s a real yin and yang kinda day.

On last night’s finale, Ashley chose J.P. as the guy who got to (had to?) propose to her.  In an act of cruelty/amazing television she let Ben-the-reject get down on one knee and everything before she told him he wasn’t the guy.

The real excitement happened early on when Ashley’s tatted up sister told J.P. he was a humorless dud who wasn’t compatible with her sis and would never have her approval.  I was like “awww shit, this chick means business!!”.  That is, until she met Ben and he quickly won her over with weird baby talk while he pitted out in his poor-color-choice taupe button-down.  I guess the moral of the story that we should all take away from this is: just because a girl’s asshole sister thinks you’re a catch doesn’t mean you’ll win the television dating show.

CONGRATS ASHLEY & J.P.!

 

Dear Bentley (from The Bachelorette)…

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Quick recap for anyone not watching The Bachelorette: super annoying Bachelorette Ashley got all hung up on a shithead named Bentley who was clearly using the show to get famous/get his own reality show/earn some money with a tell-all book or line of haircare products or work out videos (Body By Bentley coming soon!).  After knowing each other two weeks he decided to leave the show and she got standard issue girl-who’s-been-dumped CRAZY on his ass.  “Bentley this and Bentley that.”  “Bentley might be my soulmate; Bentley came into my life for a reason; I looooooove Bentleeeeeeyyyyy!!”  She was so G-D annoying about it that even host Chris Harrison was like, “HOLY SHIT WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F UP?????”*

Last night Bentley reappeared at a hotel in Hong Kong to let Ashley know that the relationship was over.  Here’s how the conversation probably went when the producers called him:

PRODUCER: Hey Bentley we want you to come to Hong Kong to give Ashley some closure.
BENTLEY: Do I get to keep the frequent flier miles?  Because I really want to take my real girlfriend to Fiji this summer.
PRODUCER: All yours buddy.
BENTLEY: I’m in!

* not his exact words

 

Dear NeNe Leakes…

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

SPOILER ALERT (for people who watch extremely popular reality shows 2 days after they air): Real Housewives of Atlanta‘s NeNe Leakes quit Celebrity Apprentice. UGH!!!! Right?? It was a real bummer because she truly was a joy to watch. As I’ve said before on this blog, I think more shows could benefit from the addition of catfights (ie. The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric) and Celebrity Apprentice proves once and for all that I’m a genius and all of my theories about popular culture are pretty much spot on. The constant battle between Star Jones and NeNe Leakes was one for the ages. Years from now, people will look back at this time period and ask (after inquiring about one’s stance on Twilight and late night TV hosts — firmly Teams Edward and Coco, for the record) “Team Nene or Team Star?”… and those of us who are sane enough to see that Star Jones is a horrible, horrible, conniving human being who thinks that just because she’s a lawyer she’s better than everyone (uh, news for you Star Jones, everyone hates lawyers; it’s not impressive — haven’t you seen a movie, like, EVER?… you guys are pretty much always the bad guys and universally reviled, PLUS — and maybe this is an even more important point — I know a lot of really dumb people who went to law school… sooooo, how about you zip yer lip with the whole “I’m a lawyer” B.S.)… we’ll band together and proudly declare: TEAM NENE!!!

Dear Antonio Sabato Jr…

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

If there’s a shitty gig, chances are Antonio Sabato Jr. has done it. His IMDB profile should be titled “what not to do in Hollywood”: two different soap operas, a VH1 reality show, more made-for-TV movies than Melissa Gilbert and Jaclyn Smith combined, plus the nail in the career coffin, a 2-episode arc on Joey. I know what you’re saying, you’re like “but Julia, he WON Celebrity Circus, the 2005 NBC reality competition show in which an all-star cast performed death defying circus acts and America voted for their Celebrity Circus champion, hosted by ‘N Sync’s own Joey Fatone!!!!” You’re right, you’re right… and I think we can all agree that when Antonio was launched out of the human catapult, rocketing right past Wee Man and Christopher Knight in the scoreboards, forever securing his place as Celebrity Circus king… he was peaking. It’s pretty much been a string of bad decisions since, and the news today is no different: Antonio just had a baby and named him Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III. I mean… come on. My rule of thumb with names is that they should never be worth more than 20 points in Scrabble. This kid’s got a 41-point middle name! As if it’s not already going to be hard enough for him trying to live down the fact that he’s Antonio Sabato Jr.’s son! Unless “yeah, well my dad can juggle flaming knives while doing rhythmic dancing and he knows Matt LeBlanc” carries some weight on the playground, this kid’s in for an ass beating.

Dear Bethenny Frankel…

Monday, April 25th, 2011

Bethenny Frankel of Bravo’s Real Housewives of NYC/Bethenny Getting Married?/Bethenny Ever After is officially a genius. I’m talking oughta-be-in-Mensa-Bill-Nye-the-Science-Guy-probably-aces-those-online-IQ-tests-although-I’m-sure-she-doesn’t-have-the-time-to-take-them kind of genius. Everyone’s fave NYC house-ex-wife just sold her cocktail brand Skinnygirl Margaritas for (hold on to your sombreros) $120 million! Oy caramba! (Get it? Cuz she’s Jewish? Ahhh, these jokes just aren’t as good when I have to explain them.)

How’d she do it? As an aspiring multi-millionaire myself, I’ve decided to study Bethenny’s path to success and have been able to break down her business model:

1. Become famous.
2. Identify the fact that a) every female ever in the history of females loves margaritas (they’re like the drink equivalent to dolphins) and b) every female ever in the history of females has been/is/will be on a diet (duh).
3. Create Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas.
4. Mention Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas on every episode of everyone one of the three hit shows on Bravo in which you star.
5. CHA CHING!

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like to think of myself as an “idea person”, so while Bethenny has her low-cal margs, I’ve got some equally as impressive concepts in the hopper…

JULIA LILLIS’S POPCORN BUTTER IRRIGATION SYSTEM — it’s a linkage of small plastic tubes that connect to a funnel that will spread the liquid butter at a movie theater all over your bag of popcorn… No Kernal Left Behind! (currently undergoing beta testing — see diagram below).

JULIA LILLIS’S FAMOUS GREEN LASER DIET SPORK — It’s a well-known fact in the laser world that the particular band of wavelength that produces green light will give you an upset stomach if you look directly at it; and what girl trying to lose weight doesn’t love an upset stomach?! I give you, my Green Laser Diet Spork: a spork that emits a green laser beam so as soon as you start eating with you’ll be overwhelmed with a subtle backdrop of nausea to take away all desire to consume solid food (sure to be a hit in sororities nationwide).

SPHERICAL BANANAS (No explanation necessary)

Any potential investors, please contact me through nakedfanmail@gmail.com… let’s get rich together!!!

 

Dear Jill Zarin’s Former Nose…

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

New York Houswewife Jill Zarin got Jennifer Greyed. Unlike JGrey, however, she’s (laughably) denying it.  Here’s what she had to say regarding rumors that she’s gotten a nose job:

If I did, I would be the first to admit it, when I had by breast reduction I was very open about it.

For me, rhinoplasty has a premise problem (along with a name problem but that’s another story). The idea is to have surgery in order to make the thing that’s front and center and in the middle of your face look different, but without it making you look different. Listen Jill, you look different, it happened overnight, and I’m not stupid. At least Cameron Diaz gave me the ol’ my-nose-was-crooked-because-I-was-always-breaking-it-because-I’m-just-such-a-fun-sporty-tomboy-and-that’s-the-kind-of-thing-I-do-so-it-wasn’t-really-a-nose-job-I-was-just-getting-it-fixed-ooooh-look-I’m-surfing-again excuse. Give me something to work with and indicate to me that you don’t think we, your fans, are idiots who didn’t notice you just went from a size large to a size medium next time you need a snorkel mask.

PS. When Bethenny Frankel had a baby she got a whole spin-off all her own to track her progress. I think Jill should’ve capitalized on this new addition to her face in the same way… Jill Getting Schnozzed?, perhaps? What can I say, I’m an idea person! (Hire me, Andy Cohen?)

 

Dear Spencer Pratt…

Friday, February 4th, 2011

Remember awhile ago Spencer Pratt was talking about joining the FBI (yes, that FBI)? Well, unfortunately for the security of the nation, he hasn’t yet given up on that dream. In an interview yesterday, he told RadarOnline that he is heading back to school to finish his degree so that he can “be an FBI agent, or work in homeland security or intelligence.”

Ok, now here’s a wacky theory… just hear me out on this one… do you guys think there’s any chance Spencer is just doing this to get some attention? Oh you’re right, I’m being crazy. He’s just your typical husband/producer/director/author/TV personality/entrepreneur/crystal healer/agent/rapper who wants to protect and defend the United States and also get interviewed about that desire by online tabloids on a bi-monthly basis. Just your everyday patriot!