Archive for the ‘Singer’ Category

Dear Adele…

Tuesday, December 11th, 2012

Adele is getting fined because she never registered her new baby with the British government.  If it’s anything like it is in the States, who can blame her?  I recently had to get a marriage license at the LA County Clerk’s office.  Complete disast.  Everyone only speaks Spanish and the only thing longer than the lines are the employees’ acrylic nails.

 

Dear Steven Tyler & Nicki Minaj…

Thursday, November 29th, 2012

American Idol judge Nicki Minaj is pissed at former American Idol judge Steven Tyler because he said (something like) “she’d pass on Bob Dylan if he were on Idol.” So then Nicki said Steven was being racist because… oh I don’t know… does it matter? When’s The Voice on? These people are fucking morons.

 

FOOTNOTE:

For the record…
1. I don’t like Bob Dylan (except that one version where Miley Cyrus is covering him –JUST BEING HONEST!)
AND
2. I am very white (except when I’m about to go to a wedding, then I am very orange – thx for nothing Neutrogena MicroMist Airbrush Selfless Tanner – figure your formula out already).
BUT
3. I had a huge crush on a black guy in college.

I think I put their issue to bed. What should I tackle next, Israel-Palestine?

 

Dear Sinead O’Connor…

Friday, February 24th, 2012

For all the men who’ve always wondered if the lack of curtains matches the lack of drapes, you might be in luck: Sinead O’Connor wants to be in Playboy.  I’m sorry, what’s so great about Playboy anyway?  Want to see naked ladies?  Google “naked ladies”.  Want to see Sinead O’Connor naked?  Look here, I did the work for you.

 

 

Dear Beyonce..

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

Wow.  Talk about a lot of change going on in my life right now.  There’s a whole new fall TV lineup, Facebook just switched up the newsfeed layout, and oh yeah, I’M ENGAGED!  It’s really pretty awesome — he proposed just last weekend and I’ve already seen us getting closer.  Like yesterday for the first time in our 2 1/2 year relationship he took a shit without closing the bathroom door.  Ahhhh, romance.

I’m planning on being a total Bridezilla (because I’ll do anything for a TV credit) so if anyone over at WeTV is reading… call me!

 

Dear Celine…

Friday, September 9th, 2011

A man broke into Celine Dion’s home the other day.  He didn’t steal anything — why would he?  If you’re in Celine Dion’s home there’s waaaaay cooler stuff to do than swipe some boring old jewelry or lame Platinum records.  For example:  take a bath and eat some pastries.  Let’s face it, Celine’s probably got a killer bathtub.  I’m sure there are fancy water jets involved, definitely bubbles and most likely four bear paw feet holding the whole thing up.  If I could think of one person in the WORLD who’s gonna have a kick ass fucking bath tub, it’s definitely Celine Dion.  But the intruder didn’t stop there.  He took the time to really pamper himself and grabbed some pastries from the kitchen.  Again, I’ve got to image her pastries are pretty fab — not the week old box of Entemann’s us mere mortals have laying around.  This is Celine Dion we’re talking about.  First of all, she’s basically French, right? (the Canadian version of French at least?) and the French invented pastries (croissant, anyone?).  And secondly, have you seen her husband?  That’s a waistline that enjoys some freaking donuts.

In conclusion, WTG, intruder!  You nailed it!!!

RIP Amy Winehouse…

Monday, July 25th, 2011


Ugh.  How sad, right?  And also… ironic.  It’s like if Bret Michaels died from a rose thorn. Or Katy Perry caught a fatal case of herpes from kissing a girl.  Yeah, just like that.

Dear Carnie Wilson…

Monday, July 11th, 2011

Carnie Wilson (aka the “Khloe” of Wilson Phillips) is going to lose her home any day now thanks to the housing crisis.  I mean, I guess technically it’s because of the housing crisis, but it’s probably also got a lot to do with the fact that she’s a singer but doesn’t ever really put out any songs.  So that’s $0 of income and $1.6 million she owes on her house.  I’m no accountant but that’s probably gonna be a problem.

With her house hitting the auction blocks today or tomorrow, I just want to tell Carnie some wise words I once heard:

Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you gonna let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day?
Things’ll go your way
Hold on for one more day!