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My favorite Naked Fan Mail!

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

Hello friends! I’m a little bogged down (in a good way!) with some other writing projects so I won’t be blogging daily for awhile. During this little hiatus, if you find yourself needing a Naked Fan Mail fix, check out one of these. Also, be sure to catch new ones as I write them by following me on TWITTER!

My All-Time Naked Fan Mail Favorites:

Dear DMX…

Tuesday, December 4th, 2012

Yesterday, rapper/actor/Christmas enthusiast DMX showed up to a radio interview and was just so full of the holiday spirit he couldn’t contain himself. See for yourself:

I looooove my Christmas music, however, not all holiday tunes are created equal. Here’s what I look for…

JULIA’S CRITERIA FOR A KILLER CHRISTMAS SONG

THE SINGER
It’s always best when sung by a boy band or pop singer — I’ll take NKOTB over Nat King Cole* any day.  And if any member of the cast of Glee is getting in on the action, consider it Thumbs Upped on Pandora.

THE SONG
Justin Bieber manages to work the word “shorty” into his holiday hit, and I can’t get enough of it!  Most Christmas songs start to go to shit as soon as they get too religious.  Stick with Santa and reindeer and stay away from terms like “Messiah” and any mention of the whole manger set up.

THE SPIRIT
Here’s where DMX really brings it. I never thought I’d say it, but a little “COME ON!” and a handful of “WHAT?!”s really add to the holiday cheer!

* sorry Ab!

 

I’m back, baby!

Monday, November 26th, 2012

 

Takin’ a (short…(ish)) break…

Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

Dear John Carter…

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

People are making a big ol fuss about the fact that Disney’s John Carter bombed at a historic level, resulting in a loss for Disney of $200 million. Well listen Disney, we don’t feel bad for you. You guys are making some stupid ass shit these days so maybe this will teach you all a lesson. What happened to The Little Mermaid?! That little red-haired hussy was a wild child with big knockers and fun sea animals for buddies… give us more of her! Or Beauty and the Beast… another classic Disney hit… Belle was smokin and she could even read books (wowsers!), and I don’t think I’d even know what a douchebag was if I didn’t grow up hating that a-hole Gaston. So quit it with the John Carter bullshit, Americans want sexy cartoon cute chicks with amazing flowy hair. The end. And you’re welcome.

And for the record, the only John Carter I want in my life is this one.

Dear Jay-Z…

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

I’m thrilled for Jay-Z and Beyonce! And to think, we all doubted them early on in the pregnancy… I mean, when I saw this vid of Beyonce’s baby bump buckling I thought the whole thing was a sham:

Wait.  I changed my mind again.  No way in effing hell Beyonce has a baby in there.  That’s not how a pregnant belly works.  It’s not empty.  That’s its whole point, to not be empty, but full of a baby.

Well congrats to Beyonce and Jay-Z for succesfully buying a baby from somewhere and, so far, managing to pay off enough people to keep it quiet!

 

Happy Night Before Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

Dear Prince Harry…

Friday, April 29th, 2011

I have to admit, I loved every second of that damn wedding. The lacy gown (who says deep-V’s are just for hipsters?!), the wacky-ass hats (how Gaga!), the men in uniform (hellooooo Harry!), the inexplicable trees in the church (wtf?), the little boys singing (keep the pedophiles away!), … I cried like 4 different times. I remember my mom telling me about watching Princess Di’s wedding; she woke up early along with the rest of the world to see the People’s Princess take her vows. Well someday I’ll tell be able to tell my kids that I woke up around 10am the day after Will and Kate’s wedding and watched it hungover on DVR as gay men gave me the play-by-play. My coverage of choice for the big occasion was TLC. I figured any network that can pull off three different versions of Say Yes To The Dress (original, Atlanta, and Big Bliss — for fat chicks!) could do a bang up job covering the wedding of the century and they didn’t let me down. Clinton Kelly offered live commentary in a studio in London with lip readers, body language specialists, wedding experts, gown designers, Ivana Trump (because she’s rich?), Rupert Everett (because he’s been in movies about weddings?) plus color commentators at Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace and (for some reason) Times Square. What a celebration!! Congrats Will and Kate! Although the entire convention of a monarchy seems like a tasteless waste of money and an undemocratic show of unearned power and privilege, I’m sure you guys will make a lovely King and Queen someday!!