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Dear Eddie Murphy…

December 5th, 2012

Yesterday Forbes put out their annual List of the Most Overpaid Actors in Hollywood and Eddie Murphy landed the number one spot. Based on the last three movies he was in, for every dollar he was paid, he returned $2.30 in box office cash… which, from what I’m gathering based on the Forbes’ article… is a bad thing???

However, to put this in perspective…

During summers in high school I worked at Dairy Queen making minimum wage which was like $5.15/hr. I’d typically work a four hour shift. Usually, in a given shift, I’d eat at least a medium Blizzard with quadruple the toppings (obvi), wash it down with a Mr. Misty (“green” with a splash of “purple”), grab a few handfuls (disgusting, I know) of pecans whenever I went into the back room, and bring home a pint or two of soft serve and a couple Dilly bars at the end of the night.  At the start of my shift I’d call all my friends and let them know they could swing by for free ice cream, so you have to figure I gave away a least a few cones and a couple sundays.  By my calculations, I think I cost that Dairy Queen…

Medium Blizzard + extra toppings: $3.69 + $0.50
Medium Mr. Misty: $3.19
Extra nuts: 4 x $0.75
2 pints of soft serve: 2 x $2.59
2 Dilly bars: 2 x $1.19
2 Medium cones: 2 x $2.19
2 Large sundays: 2 x $2.99

TOTAL COST: $28.30

So in a typical shift of mine, that particular Dairy Queen would actually lose $7.70. Or, to put it in Forbes’ terms, for every one dollar I was paid, I lost $2.68.

Conclusion: Eddie’s not that bad of an investment after all!

PS. I giant “sorry!!!” to the owners of the Tracydale DQ in Erie, PA!  At the time, I was young and stupid and had an incredible metabolism.

  

Dear DMX…

December 4th, 2012

Yesterday, rapper/actor/Christmas enthusiast DMX showed up to a radio interview and was just so full of the holiday spirit he couldn’t contain himself. See for yourself:

I looooove my Christmas music, however, not all holiday tunes are created equal. Here’s what I look for…

JULIA’S CRITERIA FOR A KILLER CHRISTMAS SONG

THE SINGER
It’s always best when sung by a boy band or pop singer — I’ll take NKOTB over Nat King Cole* any day.  And if any member of the cast of Glee is getting in on the action, consider it Thumbs Upped on Pandora.

THE SONG
Justin Bieber manages to work the word “shorty” into his holiday hit, and I can’t get enough of it!  Most Christmas songs start to go to shit as soon as they get too religious.  Stick with Santa and reindeer and stay away from terms like “Messiah” and any mention of the whole manger set up.

THE SPIRIT
Here’s where DMX really brings it. I never thought I’d say it, but a little “COME ON!” and a handful of “WHAT?!”s really add to the holiday cheer!

* sorry Ab!

 

Dear Royal Embryo…

December 3rd, 2012

Two HUGE things happened in the world of England’s monarchy over the weekend:
1. Kate Middleton got bangs.
2. Kate Middleton announced she’s pregnant.

I’m way more excited about the bangs.  Bangs are adorable and fun while babies just lead to cellulite and cankles. But the girl is smart, she’s drawing our attention up to her newly covered forehead and away from the impending saddlebags, or as they call them in England, impending “bloody saddlebags”.

For more on the royals, check out previous posts like this come-to-LA one and this you’re-having-a-wedding one.

  

Dear Officer Lawrence DePrimo…

November 30th, 2012

Most of my opinion about cops comes from The Wire (don’t get me started) and two different  college interactions with overly diligent police officers that left me with a “fuck the po po!” type of attitude.  (I’m sorry, taking me in for being “drunk in public at a Jimmy Buffett concert? Everyone was drunk in public. I think that might have actually been the name of the album he was promoting. So yeah, fuck the po po.)

But NYPD Officer Lawrence DePrimo is changing all of that!  Did you guys know cops can be nice and helpful and make the world a better place (unlike the cops that locked me up for “loitering” outside a bar in Baltimore my senior year of college. You know what’s GOD DAMN TERRIFYING? Being a sluttily dressed white chick in the downtown Baltimore city jail. Ahhh, the night I almost got gang banged. Memories.)

Yesterday a pic went viral of Officer DePrimo giving shoes to a freezing cold homeless man.  He didn’t know anyone was watching let alone taking a picture, he just did it because he’s a nice, stand up guy.  I mean… come on!  Single ladies of Long Island, reward this man accordingly! Literally, fuck this po po!

Dear Steven Tyler & Nicki Minaj…

November 29th, 2012

American Idol judge Nicki Minaj is pissed at former American Idol judge Steven Tyler because he said (something like) “she’d pass on Bob Dylan if he were on Idol.” So then Nicki said Steven was being racist because… oh I don’t know… does it matter? When’s The Voice on? These people are fucking morons.

 

FOOTNOTE:

For the record…
1. I don’t like Bob Dylan (except that one version where Miley Cyrus is covering him –JUST BEING HONEST!)
AND
2. I am very white (except when I’m about to go to a wedding, then I am very orange – thx for nothing Neutrogena MicroMist Airbrush Selfless Tanner – figure your formula out already).
BUT
3. I had a huge crush on a black guy in college.

I think I put their issue to bed. What should I tackle next, Israel-Palestine?

 

Dear Michael Keaton…

November 28th, 2012

Rumor has it that Joseph Gordon-Levitt might be the next Batman. Or something like that. I have no idea why there are so many Batmen to begin with.  It’s number three on my list of “Things we have too many of”.

Things we have too many of:
1. Kardashians (the actual people)
2. Kardashians (the spin-off TV shows)
3. Batmen
4. Reality TV shows involving singing, judged by at least one aging pop star and at least one Black dude

  

Dear Angus T. Jones…

November 27th, 2012

The kid on Two and a Half Men (I believe he plays the role of the “Half”) has become a born again Christian (or something) and is pleading with people to stop watching his show. Done and done. I usually don’t have a ton in common with born again Christians but if they’re new thing is to publicly revolt against bad sitcoms, well… AMEN! Usually child actors have nothing but dumb things to say but this one seems to really have his head on straight! Kudos Angus!

Dear Matt Lauer…

November 26th, 2012

Everyone hates Matt Lauer. Like seriously, you guys. EVERYONE. Except for me. So I’m standing up for him against some of his fiercest* Twitterenemies.

* The first 4 people who came up when I searched “hate Matt Lauer”.

 

Ted, don’t mean to get all esoteric here, but isn’t that really a chicken and the egg kind of thing? If there was no Matt Lauer, would mindless blather be coming out of his face? And if mindless blather wasn’t coming out of his face, would he really be Matt Lauer? So to answer your question: it’s impossible to hate one or the other since they are interdependent, therefore your question is flawed. Try again.

Notorious P.A.T., your twitter name is as bad as the term “swag pop”. If you’re going to hate Matt you should also hate yourself.

Kelstar, you didn’t necessarily say you hated Matt Lauer but your implication is that he should be more like Kathie Lee and Hoda and I say “cheers to that!”. Can someone at the Today Show please get Matty a 6am glass of Chard? I think we all agree it will do wonders.

Sabby, you had me at Nicolas Cage (duh), but lost me at Norah Jones. Who hates Norah Jones? I’ll tell you who: my ex-boyfriend and he was a real dick. Take a long hard look in the mirror sabby, are you a real dick? If so, maybe Matt Lauer isn’t the problem, maybe the problem is you.

I’m back, baby!

November 26th, 2012

 

Takin’ a (short…(ish)) break…

April 10th, 2012