Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I’ll admit it, I have a huge crush on Alec Baldwin. He’s sexy, funny, seemingly smart and a total asshole. And as we all know, chicks love assholes. Furthermore, occasionally he takes one for the team and stands up for the every man. Like yesterday when he got thrown off an American Airlines flight because he was in the middle of a game of Words With Friends and wouldn’t turn off his phone.
Here are some facts:
1. There is no way in hell a little iPhone game has any effect on a plane’s navigation or operating system.
2. I’m actually not sure about fact #1, but really, is there any way an iPhone game throws off a plane? NO.
3. I guess I shouldn’t have started a list of facts if I didn’t have more to offer than #1 and #2. But come on… there’s NO FREAKING WAY.
So thank you, Alec. Thanks for bucking the system. Words With Friends fanatics everywhere applaud you!
Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
Earlier this month Ben & Jerry’s launched a flavor called “Schweddy Balls”, inspired by one of the best SNL sketches of all time starring Alec Baldwin. Grumpy, no-fun moms everywhere are boycotting the flavor because they don’t like what Ben & Jerry have named it. Hey moms of America, we haven’t liked what you gals have been naming your kids for years now, so until I stop seeing “names” like these* popping up on Toddlers & Tiaras, you can all shut your pie holes:
And for the record, it’s vanilla ice cream mixed with a hint of rum, fudge covered rum balls, and milk chocolate malt balls that we’re talking about here, not annoying 3-year-old prima donnas. You can call this ice cream “Shit in a Pint Container” and I’d still rather spend my afternoon getting brain freeze than hanging with your little princess.
* No shit, I didn’t make a single one of those up. Child protective services should be watching more TLC — it oughta be a crime to name your kid a misspelling.
Tuesday, June 28th, 2011
Quick recap for anyone not watching The Bachelorette: super annoying Bachelorette Ashley got all hung up on a shithead named Bentley who was clearly using the show to get famous/get his own reality show/earn some money with a tell-all book or line of haircare products or work out videos (Body By Bentley coming soon!). After knowing each other two weeks he decided to leave the show and she got standard issue girl-who’s-been-dumped CRAZY on his ass. “Bentley this and Bentley that.” “Bentley might be my soulmate; Bentley came into my life for a reason; I looooooove Bentleeeeeeyyyyy!!” She was so G-D annoying about it that even host Chris Harrison was like, “HOLY SHIT WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F UP?????”*
Last night Bentley reappeared at a hotel in Hong Kong to let Ashley know that the relationship was over. Here’s how the conversation probably went when the producers called him:
PRODUCER: Hey Bentley we want you to come to Hong Kong to give Ashley some closure.
BENTLEY: Do I get to keep the frequent flier miles? Because I really want to take my real girlfriend to Fiji this summer.
PRODUCER: All yours buddy.
BENTLEY: I’m in!
* not his exact words