Posts Tagged ‘Andy Cohen’

Dear Charles Barkley…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!

Dear Barefoot Contessa…

Monday, October 17th, 2011

OMG Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion DRAMA  last night!  To recap the one-hour event (SPOILER ALERT!!): Teresa Giudice is soooooooooo dumb.

She wrote a cookbook in which she managed to offend all her friends and family.  She actually gave them all special attention and called each one out individually.  So if you’re looking for a meatball recipe but also want to know how to put down your best friend and her kid, check out Fabulicious!

Dear Jill Zarin’s Former Nose…

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

New York Houswewife Jill Zarin got Jennifer Greyed. Unlike JGrey, however, she’s (laughably) denying it.  Here’s what she had to say regarding rumors that she’s gotten a nose job:

If I did, I would be the first to admit it, when I had by breast reduction I was very open about it.

For me, rhinoplasty has a premise problem (along with a name problem but that’s another story). The idea is to have surgery in order to make the thing that’s front and center and in the middle of your face look different, but without it making you look different. Listen Jill, you look different, it happened overnight, and I’m not stupid. At least Cameron Diaz gave me the ol’ my-nose-was-crooked-because-I-was-always-breaking-it-because-I’m-just-such-a-fun-sporty-tomboy-and-that’s-the-kind-of-thing-I-do-so-it-wasn’t-really-a-nose-job-I-was-just-getting-it-fixed-ooooh-look-I’m-surfing-again excuse. Give me something to work with and indicate to me that you don’t think we, your fans, are idiots who didn’t notice you just went from a size large to a size medium next time you need a snorkel mask.

PS. When Bethenny Frankel had a baby she got a whole spin-off all her own to track her progress. I think Jill should’ve capitalized on this new addition to her face in the same way… Jill Getting Schnozzed?, perhaps? What can I say, I’m an idea person! (Hire me, Andy Cohen?)

 

Dear Rachel Zoe…

Thursday, March 24th, 2011

I often ponder what my life would be like if I was a gay man.  I’d live in West Hollywood, have a small dog named Bette and wear things like white linen pants and “summer” kimonos while effortlessly hosting fabulous gluten-free dinner parties out on the lanai (in my gay man fantasy I have a totally under control wheat allergy).  Pretty killer life, right?  Second to that, however, would be being Rachel Zoe’s son.  He was just born, so the verdict is still out on which way he goes, but oh the fun these two could have if it turns out he’s into dudes.  The shopping!  The styling!  The celebrities!  The totally unnecessary drama about Oscar gowns and fur vests!

Rachel just gave birth to son Skyler.  She and husband Rodger (not a typo, he misspells his own name) say they “LITERALLY could not be happier or more in love with their son”.  I’m sure Skyler is TO DIE FOR and labor was BANANAS and O-M-G the this kid is just SHUTTING IT DOWN with his cuteness.  I hope they make capes, suspenders, low cut V’s, 3 piece suits, bow ties, suede pants, ponchos and seersucker suits in size 0-9 months!