Posts Tagged ‘arrested’

Dear George Clooney…

Friday, March 16th, 2012

George Clooney was arrested this morning. (Because that’s what we need… fewer George Clooneys on the street. Rest easy, America!) He was arrested for protesting the plight of the people of Sudan. I for one don’t like the idea of George being locked up for such a noble cause, and would like to do what I can to help.  I’ve come up with a list of prison rules George should keep in mind while he’s in the clink:

1. Establish Toughness

Upon entering jail, the most important thing to do is let the other inmates know who’s boss.  George should head butt a prison guard, give an inmate a swift kick in the abdomen, put a cafeteria worker in a sleeper hold… just a little something to let folks know he is not to be messed with!

2. Tatt it Up

George looks way too clean cut to last behind bars.  Hopefully he caught that episode of MSNBC’s Lockup when a guy in the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility gave himself a tattoo using only pen ink, a plastic spork and a safety pin.  Gang symbols, teardrops (maybe for someone he murders as part of rule #1!), so long as he stays away from Chinese letters and anything resembling a cartoon character he should be good.

3. No Pallin’ Around

Sure, we know what’s going to happen — all the guards are going to be like “OMG you’re George Clooney!  I loved you in Sisters! Can I get a quick pic?”  Only snitches pal around with the guards and you know what happens to snitches, they get Batmanned by a Robin in the shower when they’re least expecting it, if you know what I mean…

4. Find a Girlfriend

Stacy Keibler can’t help him on the inside.  George needs a prison girlfriend, the kind of guy who will cuddle with him at night and kick ass with him during the day.  Someone should get Brad Pitt on the horn, surely he can get locked up for something awful he’s done lately (possibly The Tree of Life?).

5. Just Relax

Maybe George can use this brief reprieve from Hollywood as a much deserved vacay!  It may not be an Italian villa on Lake Como but but if he can barter away a couple packs of smokes he might be able to score an extra soft pillow and a room with a view!

Dear Willie Nelson…

Monday, November 29th, 2010

Willie Nelson was arrested for pot possession over the holiday weekend.  That’s the second time this year, plus he’s been busted for moonshine and shrooms in the past.  Moonshine.  I honestly didn’t even know that was a real thing.  And shrooms!  How “senior year of high school” of you, Willie!

Now I’m not a big pot head.  I mean, I have a prescription for it and everything, but I live in California.  Having a medical marijuana card is like having a drivers license (only, when you get pulled over make sure you pull out the license, not the pot card).

I think Willie needs to park his tour bus in sunny CA and let his fans come to him.  First of all, pot is legal here; and secondly, he’s 77!  When I’m closing in on 80, if I happen to be an iconic pot head country singer-songwriter with legions of dedicated fans, mark my words, I’ll find a nice plot of land near the beach, sit back with my guitar and a joint and let my fans flock to me!

So, for my mom who still seems to think I have no “plan” for my life, there you go: become an octogenarian stoner country singer on the beaches of Malibu.  It’s a long way from Supreme Court Justice but I think I think I missed that bus long ago (like somewhere around senior year of high school — they tend to frown on fun-loving shroom stories in the nation’s high court).