George Clooney was arrested this morning. (Because that’s what we need… fewer George Clooneys on the street. Rest easy, America!) He was arrested for protesting the plight of the people of Sudan. I for one don’t like the idea of George being locked up for such a noble cause, and would like to do what I can to help. I’ve come up with a list of prison rules George should keep in mind while he’s in the clink:
1. Establish Toughness
Upon entering jail, the most important thing to do is let the other inmates know who’s boss. George should head butt a prison guard, give an inmate a swift kick in the abdomen, put a cafeteria worker in a sleeper hold… just a little something to let folks know he is not to be messed with!
2. Tatt it Up
George looks way too clean cut to last behind bars. Hopefully he caught that episode of MSNBC’s Lockup when a guy in the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility gave himself a tattoo using only pen ink, a plastic spork and a safety pin. Gang symbols, teardrops (maybe for someone he murders as part of rule #1!), so long as he stays away from Chinese letters and anything resembling a cartoon character he should be good.
3. No Pallin’ Around
Sure, we know what’s going to happen — all the guards are going to be like “OMG you’re George Clooney! I loved you in Sisters! Can I get a quick pic?” Only snitches pal around with the guards and you know what happens to snitches, they get Batmanned by a Robin in the shower when they’re least expecting it, if you know what I mean…
4. Find a Girlfriend
Stacy Keibler can’t help him on the inside. George needs a prison girlfriend, the kind of guy who will cuddle with him at night and kick ass with him during the day. Someone should get Brad Pitt on the horn, surely he can get locked up for something awful he’s done lately (possibly The Tree of Life?).
5. Just Relax
Maybe George can use this brief reprieve from Hollywood as a much deserved vacay! It may not be an Italian villa on Lake Como but but if he can barter away a couple packs of smokes he might be able to score an extra soft pillow and a room with a view!