Posts Tagged ‘baby’

Dear Kim Kardashian… (for the final time)

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

It took me a few days to muster up the strength to write to Kim again.  It’s just like uggggghhhh, right?  I mean ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I want this blog to be topical but I can hardly go on writing about the Kardashian Klan every other week.*  Therefore, I’m taking this moment to officially announce my break-up with them as a people. Kendall gets knocked up by Bieber?  You’re not gonna read about it here.  Bruce gets a sex change?  He/she better not expect a Naked Fan Mail in the mailbox.  I’m done.

I’m the 99% who’s fed up with Kardashians and I’m taking a stand, damnit! Who’s with me?!!?!?!

* Roughly every other week…

To Ray J for starting this whole damn thing — 8/22/11
To Kim
when she got engaged to dopeyface — 5/26/11
To Khloe
when she was naked on billboards all over LA — 3/28/11
To Kim
when her nipple popped up in a magazine — 2/1/11
To Bruce
for dealing with them all — 11/9/10

Dear Mindy Cohn…

Tuesday, May 31st, 2011

Strange-but-true-fact:  Mindy Cohn aka Natalie Green aka the fat one from maybe the best thing  to ever come out of the ‘80s (other than Hungry, Hungry Hippos), The Facts of Life, is the godmother of Brangelia’s twins.  Weird, right?  That’s a rhetorical question because obviously it’s like the weirdest shit ever.  Well I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything (yes I do), but as of this past weekend I’m proud to say that I  have something in common with my chubby friend (other than our mutual affinity for Ding Dongs) — I am also a godmother!  At first I didn’t think I was going to cut it considering Sunday Mass hasn’t been on my list of things to do for about a decade now and I’m currently living in sin with a Jew who thinks Jesus was just “some guy”.  Luckily I had my 12 years of Catholic School training to tell me that I shouldn’t bring that stuff up at the Baptism.  The priest was all, “do you accept your duties as a godmother?” and I was all “hell yeah!!”… there was some incense, a little holy water, a couple crying babies and voila — I’m a godmother.  Let the spoiling of Tabitha Drew begin!!

Dear Antonio Sabato Jr…

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

If there’s a shitty gig, chances are Antonio Sabato Jr. has done it. His IMDB profile should be titled “what not to do in Hollywood”: two different soap operas, a VH1 reality show, more made-for-TV movies than Melissa Gilbert and Jaclyn Smith combined, plus the nail in the career coffin, a 2-episode arc on Joey. I know what you’re saying, you’re like “but Julia, he WON Celebrity Circus, the 2005 NBC reality competition show in which an all-star cast performed death defying circus acts and America voted for their Celebrity Circus champion, hosted by ‘N Sync’s own Joey Fatone!!!!” You’re right, you’re right… and I think we can all agree that when Antonio was launched out of the human catapult, rocketing right past Wee Man and Christopher Knight in the scoreboards, forever securing his place as Celebrity Circus king… he was peaking. It’s pretty much been a string of bad decisions since, and the news today is no different: Antonio just had a baby and named him Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III. I mean… come on. My rule of thumb with names is that they should never be worth more than 20 points in Scrabble. This kid’s got a 41-point middle name! As if it’s not already going to be hard enough for him trying to live down the fact that he’s Antonio Sabato Jr.’s son! Unless “yeah, well my dad can juggle flaming knives while doing rhythmic dancing and he knows Matt LeBlanc” carries some weight on the playground, this kid’s in for an ass beating.

Dear Rachel Zoe…

Thursday, March 24th, 2011

I often ponder what my life would be like if I was a gay man.  I’d live in West Hollywood, have a small dog named Bette and wear things like white linen pants and “summer” kimonos while effortlessly hosting fabulous gluten-free dinner parties out on the lanai (in my gay man fantasy I have a totally under control wheat allergy).  Pretty killer life, right?  Second to that, however, would be being Rachel Zoe’s son.  He was just born, so the verdict is still out on which way he goes, but oh the fun these two could have if it turns out he’s into dudes.  The shopping!  The styling!  The celebrities!  The totally unnecessary drama about Oscar gowns and fur vests!

Rachel just gave birth to son Skyler.  She and husband Rodger (not a typo, he misspells his own name) say they “LITERALLY could not be happier or more in love with their son”.  I’m sure Skyler is TO DIE FOR and labor was BANANAS and O-M-G the this kid is just SHUTTING IT DOWN with his cuteness.  I hope they make capes, suspenders, low cut V’s, 3 piece suits, bow ties, suede pants, ponchos and seersucker suits in size 0-9 months!

Dear Pink…

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

Pink got the worst hair cut of all time.  Here’s a woman who’s about to have a baby, and the first thing this kid will see is:

This baby’s gonna open its eyes and think “Great, just great… just spent 9 months trying not to drown, got squeezed through a vaginal canal half the size of my head, and now I have to deal with this gray-haired little boy!?”  Luckily Pink realizes how bad it is, and recently tweeted:

The United Butchers Association immediately released a statement saying they had nothing to do with Pink’s haircut, and regret that they have in any way been linked to such a monstrosity.