Monday, August 29th, 2011
The big news in the Knowles family this past weekend should have been be the fact that Beyonce is pregnant and she was announcing it at the VMA’s. WOO HOO!!
Yeah, that’ should’ve been the big woop. But it wasn’t. In a typical “hey look at me, I’m the little sister and I need attention too” move, while big sis was announcing her pregnantness, Solange was up to the following:
1. trying to sneak into a bar in Miami with a 5 foot long inflatable banana
2. getting into an altercation with the cops regarding the aforementioned 5 foot long inflatable banana
3. accusing the Miami cops of racism for not letting her into the club because she’s black (not because she wouldn’t let go of her damn 5 foot long inflatable banana)
Sure, maybe the cops were being prejudiced — prejudiced against dumbassness– and not only am I fine with that, I’m all for it! If you ask me, we need to be prejudiced against dumbasses a lot more often in this country. We can start with inflatable banana-toting R&B singers and then make our way to SUV drivers who park in compact spots.
You can’t just go around with a 5 foot long inflatable banana and think everyone’s gonna be cool with it. For the most part, NO ONE is actually going to be cool with it. People might pretend they’re cool with it. To her face her friends are probably all saying “Oh Solange you’re so crazy! You’re so fun! You’re the life of the party!”, but behind her back you can be sure it’s more like “enough with the G.D. banana!”
Monday, April 25th, 2011
Bethenny Frankel of Bravo’s Real Housewives of NYC/Bethenny Getting Married?/Bethenny Ever After is officially a genius. I’m talking oughta-be-in-Mensa-Bill-Nye-the-Science-Guy-probably-aces-those-online-IQ-tests-although-I’m-sure-she-doesn’t-have-the-time-to-take-them kind of genius. Everyone’s fave NYC house-ex-wife just sold her cocktail brand Skinnygirl Margaritas for (hold on to your sombreros) $120 million! Oy caramba! (Get it? Cuz she’s Jewish? Ahhh, these jokes just aren’t as good when I have to explain them.)
How’d she do it? As an aspiring multi-millionaire myself, I’ve decided to study Bethenny’s path to success and have been able to break down her business model:
1. Become famous.
2. Identify the fact that a) every female ever in the history of females loves margaritas (they’re like the drink equivalent to dolphins) and b) every female ever in the history of females has been/is/will be on a diet (duh).
3. Create Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas.
4. Mention Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas on every episode of everyone one of the three hit shows on Bravo in which you star.
5. CHA CHING!
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like to think of myself as an “idea person”, so while Bethenny has her low-cal margs, I’ve got some equally as impressive concepts in the hopper…
JULIA LILLIS’S POPCORN BUTTER IRRIGATION SYSTEM — it’s a linkage of small plastic tubes that connect to a funnel that will spread the liquid butter at a movie theater all over your bag of popcorn… No Kernal Left Behind! (currently undergoing beta testing — see diagram below).
JULIA LILLIS’S FAMOUS GREEN LASER DIET SPORK — It’s a well-known fact in the laser world that the particular band of wavelength that produces green light will give you an upset stomach if you look directly at it; and what girl trying to lose weight doesn’t love an upset stomach?! I give you, my Green Laser Diet Spork: a spork that emits a green laser beam so as soon as you start eating with you’ll be overwhelmed with a subtle backdrop of nausea to take away all desire to consume solid food (sure to be a hit in sororities nationwide).
SPHERICAL BANANAS (No explanation necessary)
Any potential investors, please contact me through email@example.com… let’s get rich together!!!