Posts Tagged ‘basketball’

Dear Charles Barkley…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!

Dear Shaquille O’Neal…

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011

Shaquille O’Neal has announced that after 19 years of basketball he’s finally giving up this whole “I want to be an NBA legend” dream. Well I guess it’s about time.  What can you say, he gave it a real shot.  Hopefully now he’ll be able to get back to what he’s really good at: dropping beats and spitting rhymes.  Remember the ‘90s when he released the classic (yet-oft-overlooked) rap albums Shaq Diesel and Shaq Fu: Da Return?  Now that he doesn’t have to worry about shooting his lay-ups or boxing things out or making full court presses will he put out the currently un-released album Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends, Vol. 1?!  Do we dare anticipate follow on Volumes of this inevitable classic?  Shaq, your fans are waiting!