Posts Tagged ‘beer’

Dear Clint Eastwood…

Sunday, February 5th, 2012

So I’m watching the Superbowl… just lovin’ life, throwing back some beers, eating 1000′s of calories worth of guacamole and enjoying some high production value commercials with my pals. It was just another fun day of using football as an excuse to eat and drink excessively with friends. Life doesn’t get better than this, right?… until… sandwiched between “wacky” curly haired commercial actors doing spit-takes for no reason and Ferris Bueller bringing me back to my youth, Clint Eastwood appears and brings everyone down. Oh yeah, we’re all broke. Oh yeah, the whole country is pretty much broke. Oh shit, Clint, you’re right, life is just crap. Well thanks. Thanks a lot. Someone get Danica Patrick or that kid from last year with the Darth Vader mask on the horn, America needs them!

Dear Ann B. Davis…

Friday, December 24th, 2010

I’m currently in my hometown Erie, Pennsylvania for the holidays.  It’s pretty awesome here… I bought 8 beers last night for $24 dollars and I was at the “expensive” bar.  You may have heard of Erie… like maybe last week you saw The Weather Channel broadcasting live from downtown Erie because we had non-stop blizzards for 5 straight days… or maybe you remember our citizen of note “The Pizza Bomber”… or maybe, just maybe, you already knew that Ann B. Davis who played “Alice”, the housekeeper for the Brady’s, the most beloved television family of all time (aside from the Cosby’s*) is an Erieite.

Alice was pretty great on The Brady Bunch.  She had impeccable mopping technique, a serious commitment to the perfect beehive and fantastic choice in men (butcher = free bacon = nice catch!), but I’m not playing games.  She’s going down.  Granted, I have like 4 TV credits and 45 minutes of mostly dick jokes, but I’m telling you guys, my star is a-risin’!  Plus, I’m on Day 72 of The Power of Positive Thinking Self-Hypnosis Program.  If you BELIEVE you can be more famous than Alice Nelson, you WILL BE more famous than Alice Nelson.

PS.  If you aren’t familiar with Erie, lemme just brag on it for a sec: third largest city in Pennsylvania!  18 miles of beautiful beaches on Lake Erie!  Highest per capita number of bars in the country!!  (At some point in my adolescent life those were all true facts.  These days I think that shithole Scranton overtook us; a significant percentage of the beaches are usually closed due to some silly little bacteria problem; and well the bar thing, yeah the bar thing is probably still true.  I’m always too drunk to do that math on that one.)


* Two words: Theo Huxtable