Monday, April 25th, 2011
Bethenny Frankel of Bravo’s Real Housewives of NYC/Bethenny Getting Married?/Bethenny Ever After is officially a genius. I’m talking oughta-be-in-Mensa-Bill-Nye-the-Science-Guy-probably-aces-those-online-IQ-tests-although-I’m-sure-she-doesn’t-have-the-time-to-take-them kind of genius. Everyone’s fave NYC house-ex-wife just sold her cocktail brand Skinnygirl Margaritas for (hold on to your sombreros) $120 million! Oy caramba! (Get it? Cuz she’s Jewish? Ahhh, these jokes just aren’t as good when I have to explain them.)
How’d she do it? As an aspiring multi-millionaire myself, I’ve decided to study Bethenny’s path to success and have been able to break down her business model:
1. Become famous.
2. Identify the fact that a) every female ever in the history of females loves margaritas (they’re like the drink equivalent to dolphins) and b) every female ever in the history of females has been/is/will be on a diet (duh).
3. Create Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas.
4. Mention Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas on every episode of everyone one of the three hit shows on Bravo in which you star.
5. CHA CHING!
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like to think of myself as an “idea person”, so while Bethenny has her low-cal margs, I’ve got some equally as impressive concepts in the hopper…
JULIA LILLIS’S POPCORN BUTTER IRRIGATION SYSTEM — it’s a linkage of small plastic tubes that connect to a funnel that will spread the liquid butter at a movie theater all over your bag of popcorn… No Kernal Left Behind! (currently undergoing beta testing — see diagram below).
JULIA LILLIS’S FAMOUS GREEN LASER DIET SPORK — It’s a well-known fact in the laser world that the particular band of wavelength that produces green light will give you an upset stomach if you look directly at it; and what girl trying to lose weight doesn’t love an upset stomach?! I give you, my Green Laser Diet Spork: a spork that emits a green laser beam so as soon as you start eating with you’ll be overwhelmed with a subtle backdrop of nausea to take away all desire to consume solid food (sure to be a hit in sororities nationwide).
SPHERICAL BANANAS (No explanation necessary)
Any potential investors, please contact me through email@example.com… let’s get rich together!!!
Wednesday, April 13th, 2011
New York Houswewife Jill Zarin got Jennifer Greyed. Unlike JGrey, however, she’s (laughably) denying it. Here’s what she had to say regarding rumors that she’s gotten a nose job:
If I did, I would be the first to admit it, when I had by breast reduction I was very open about it.
For me, rhinoplasty has a premise problem (along with a name problem but that’s another story). The idea is to have surgery in order to make the thing that’s front and center and in the middle of your face look different, but without it making you look different. Listen Jill, you look different, it happened overnight, and I’m not stupid. At least Cameron Diaz gave me the ol’ my-nose-was-crooked-because-I-was-always-breaking-it-because-I’m-just-such-a-fun-sporty-tomboy-and-that’s-the-kind-of-thing-I-do-so-it-wasn’t-really-a-nose-job-I-was-just-getting-it-fixed-ooooh-look-I’m-surfing-again excuse. Give me something to work with and indicate to me that you don’t think we, your fans, are idiots who didn’t notice you just went from a size large to a size medium next time you need a snorkel mask.
PS. When Bethenny Frankel had a baby she got a whole spin-off all her own to track her progress. I think Jill should’ve capitalized on this new addition to her face in the same way… Jill Getting Schnozzed?, perhaps? What can I say, I’m an idea person! (Hire me, Andy Cohen?)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
Sad thing: Elizabeth Taylor died this morning. The legendary screen icon was 79 and her death came as a surprise to everyone (if you don’t count the fact that she had been in the hospital for congestive heart failure for the past three weeks, soooooo, kinda not like 100% surprise). Now I’ve never been a person who’s into old movies — I can barely even enjoy Adventures In Babysitting anymore because it looks too dated — so when it comes to movies in black and white, where everyone calls everyone else Mister So-and-so and Miss Whatever, with the guys all drinking scotch and breaking into tap dancing and the women getting the men all hot by showing a little ankle and wearing giant brassieres (do I have all this straight? this is what classic films are like, right?), well I’m just not into it. That being said, even I, a total non-appreciator, the anti-aficionado of classic films can say that Elizabeth Taylor was a bad ass: 2 Oscars, the first woman to earn a million dollars on a movie, married 8 times, and she had great eyebrows before it was even cool to have great eyebrows. Listening to all of Hollywood rave about her acting prowess today makes me think I might just be missing out on something. Who knows, maybe next time I’m about to waste an hour watching a Tivo’d episode of Bethenny Ever After? I’ll flip over to Turner Classic Movies and give these things a whirl. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll still watch Bethenny. I can’t get enough of that crazy-faced broad bossing around her clearly closeted gay husband, but maybe I’llmake it a double feature with Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
PS. Sending my fan mail to Zsa Zsa today because I heard she’s real busted up about the news about her pal Liz.