Monday, November 28th, 2011
The Black Eyed Peas announced over the weekend that they’re finally giving our poor defenseless ears a break!! They’re calling it quits!!!*
* I’m exaggerating. Technically they’re saying they’re only “taking a break” and this is NOT a “break up” but I’m a kid of divorced parents so if experience tells me anything I’m guessing Will.i.am already has his luggage packed and will be hived up at the Motel 6 for a few weeks until he rents a shitty apartment that he fills with futons, board games and take out menus.
Wednesday, June 8th, 2011
BREAKING NEWS: Musician Jason Mraz and his fiance have called it quits and said fiance is a woman. In all these years of just being vaguely aware of Jason Mraz as that guy who kinda sounds like Jack Johnson but wears lots of fedoras, I had no idea that he was straight. What kind of straight man takes that much pride in his headwear? Most straight guys are fairly disgusting and wear old baseball caps that they’ve had since college because they’re “broken in” and they “have personality”. Yeah they have personality. The personality of person who no one else wants to hang out with except for you because they’re old, ugly and reek of keg beer.
Friday, June 3rd, 2011
Yankees player Alex Rodriguez dumped Cameron Diaz after almost a year of dating because “she was too needy”. Well of course she was needy, she’s slowly watching every decent guy in Hollywood get scooped up. I mean, when Scarlett Johansson starts dating Sean Penn you know the pickins are slim (in related news, they just broke up — surprise surprise!). Over the years my feelings towards Cameron Diaz have been like the waves she’s constantly talking about surfing… sometimes I’m riding high on the “Cameron Diaz is hilarious” crest (My Best Friend’s Wedding) and sometimes I’m drowning in the “how can a person this annoying be this famous” rip tide (everything other than My Best Friend’s Wedding).
According to the crack reporting team over at fitPerez, the couple broke up because Cameron was needy and tried too hard to please him… which is code for “why the hell that bitch gotta feed me popcorn in front of the whole world like that!?” Let’s get real, that popcorn-feeding shot of them during the last Superbowl was curtains for this relationship. For some couples it’s money issues, or lack of communication, or infidelity, but we should never overlook the silent relationship killer: Orville Redenbacher.
Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
Oh man, she’s done it again — Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dumped. The perpetual singledom of Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of those concepts that will forever confuse me, like string theory, dangling participles or how Christina Aguilera’s face has ballooned into a shape that can only be described as Snooki-esque. Jennifer seems very nice and normal to me. She catches a lot of flack for her ever-expanding ass, but I think that should say to guys “hey look at me, I’m low maintenance!” She’s always wearing sweats or pajama pants and it seems to me that most of the pictures I see of her she’s taking the trash out, so along with being low maintenance we know she’s not a hoarder. I think this girl sounds like a catch! Though I’m off the market now (sorry fellas!) I was once quite the match.com whore, so I’d like to offer a few tips to J Lo 2.0 (how she let Jennifer Lopez steal that moniker from her is beyond me… as long as no one touches J Lill I guess I shouldn’t be bothered):
5 Tips from a Former Match.com Pro:
1. If you mention the term “hand jobs” in your profile it will get taken down. (Even if you mention it in a totally positive way, like, “guys are always telling me I give great hand jobs!”). Also, your password can’t be “ihatecats”.
2. It’s required that you say something in your profile along the lines of “I like to work hard, but play harder!!!” and/or “one day I’m in sneakers, the next I’m in Jimmy Choos!”. Apparently guys like girls who are both themselves, and also the opposite of that.
3. Photoshop every picture before it goes up (so obvious I debated listing it).
4. When the only pictures of a guy are taken by him in the bathroom mirror it means he literally doesn’t have any friends… which is perfect because that means more time for you!! Send him a message!
5. If a guy writes to you and tells you he “used to only date models but now he’s ready to find someone more normal” and then asks you out, don’t go out with him. He’s an asshole named Ranjeed and he will demand that you go dutch on his 3 Heinekens and your Diet Coke. F that guy.