Tuesday, October 11th, 2011
Today, on National Coming Out Day, the former-fatty-turned-awkwardly-svelte Jonah Hill broke up with his girlfriend of three years. Here’s a factual list I completely made up for you:
TOP 3 WORST POSSIBLE DAYS OF THE YEAR FOR A GUY TO BREAK UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND
#1 April Fools’ Day
#2 Her birthday
#3 National Coming Out Day
Valentine’s Day and Christmas are also pretty shitty choices. I’d also stay away from Hanukkah, that is, if you can figure out exactly when it starts and ends (EXTREMELY confusing; has something to do with sundown and the Hebrew calendar but I can never quite nail it down. Very mysterious, those Jews. Christmas is simple, same date every year and only one way to spell it. On the other hand, the number of H’s, K’s and N’s in Chanukah (not to mention the real loosey-goosey usage of that “C”) is more up in the air than a really boring 2009 movie starring George Clooney and that chick from Twilight.
Thursday, April 14th, 2011
Is there anything more annoying than finding out that an ex is in love, thriving, and happy? Yes: add “having a baby with an Oscar-winning actor.” Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were married for 2 years, only separating in December, and last weekend she moved in with her new boyfriend Sean Penn. To make matters worse, by all accounts (except for those of her publicist, agent and all professional representation) she’s pregnant! Honestly, the latest image of Scarlett is so telling, it may as well be a sonogram:
That’s a knocked up chick if I’ve ever seen one. So what’s Ryan Reynolds to do? Mope? Bury himself in Cadbury Eggs, Mint Milanos and Sex & The City marathons on E! (my go to moves)? As Charlotte told Carrie just last night on a episode when she was bummed out about one of her many break ups with Big, it takes half the length of time you were with someone to get overhim (or her, presumably). Sooooo, in Ryan’s case he should ignore that math and just call me asap. Although I’m off the market (and in love and thriving and happy — ahem, hellooooo! to any of my exes who happen to be reading this) I’ve got plenty of friends I’d love to set him up with!
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
Yesterday Macaulay Culkin got dumped by his girlfriend Mila Kunis and the whole world collectively said “she was dating him?!” Amazingly enough, yes. For 7 years.
Macaulay Culkin’s face (the creepy adult version, not the adorable 10-year-old version) should be affixed like a warning label to every child acting studio. Go ahead, take your dumb kid to acting classes and commercial auditions and improv lessons and he may even get the lead role in a blockbuster movie and attain worldwide fame by age 11 but just watch out because before you know it he’s pushing 30, making a cameo appearance on WWE Raw at the Scottrade Center in St. Louis* and only trending on twitter because he got dumped by the chick from That 70’s Show. Yeah, much better plan than “let him play outside like a normal kid”.
* The WWE Raw thing is the last credit listed for Macaulay on Wikipedia. Seriously.