Posts Tagged ‘Cadbury Eggs’

Dear Alicia Silverstone…

Friday, April 22nd, 2011

Happy Earth Day! When I think “green celebrities”, I think “Alicia Silverstone“. Whenever she pops up in the news it’s because she has something to say about recycling or cruelty-free eating or naked gardening. I’d like to point out that I not only recycle plastics, glass and paper, I routinely recycle jokes which you may or may not have noticed by now if you’re an avid reader of this blog. Just trying to do my part, ya know?

While I can get down with the recycling, the cruelty-free eating thing is a tricky one. I mean, I don’t WANT my food to be tortured. I don’t go to a steakhouse and order the waterboarded rib-eye with a misery au jus, but I do love my meat. And my half-meat (not sure what Taco Bell is using these days but don’t change a thing in those Chalupas, ya hear me!?). I enjoy a burger and I just want to be able to eat it in peace, yet the irony of cruelty-free eaters is that although they don’t eat anything that’s been tortured, eating with them is almost always torture (can you pipe down about this Double Double, I’m about to experience food nirvana and your yammering is really distracting).

So, on this Earth Day I’d like to reach out to everyone and say: let’s all do our part! Bring reusable bags to the market! Don’t let the faucet run when you’re brushing your teeth! Turn off the lights when you’re not in the room! Keep the air in your car tires at the right pressure! Stop printing out emails! Write fan mail on recycled envelopes! Confront and scold the douchebag at the market who parks his Range Rover in the Electric Vehicles Only Parking Spot and make him feel like less of a man! And please… let me gorge on animal flesh in peace!

ps. She’s knocked up in the pic below so ya know, cut her some slack.

Dear Ryan Reynolds…

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Is there anything more annoying than finding out that an ex is in love, thriving, and happy? Yes: add “having a baby with an Oscar-winning actor.” Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were married for 2 years, only separating in December, and last weekend she moved in with her new boyfriend Sean Penn. To make matters worse, by all accounts (except for those of her publicist, agent and all professional representation) she’s pregnant! Honestly, the latest image of Scarlett is so telling, it may as well be a sonogram:

That’s a knocked up chick if I’ve ever seen one. So what’s Ryan Reynolds to do? Mope? Bury himself in Cadbury Eggs, Mint Milanos and Sex & The City marathons on E! (my go to moves)? As Charlotte told Carrie just last night on a episode when she was bummed out about one of her many break ups with Big, it takes half the length of time you were with someone to get overhim (or her, presumably). Sooooo, in Ryan’s case he should ignore that math and just call me asap. Although I’m off the market (and in love and thriving and happy — ahem, hellooooo! to any of my exes who happen to be reading this) I’ve got plenty of friends I’d love to set him up with!