Posts Tagged ‘Cameron Diaz’

Dear Charles Barkley…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!

Dear Alex Rodriguez…

Friday, June 3rd, 2011

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez dumped Cameron Diaz after almost a year of dating because “she was too needy”.  Well of course she was needy, she’s slowly watching every decent guy in Hollywood get scooped up.  I mean, when Scarlett Johansson starts dating Sean Penn you know the pickins are slim (in related news, they just broke up — surprise surprise!).  Over the years my feelings towards Cameron Diaz have been like the waves she’s constantly talking about surfing… sometimes I’m riding high on the “Cameron Diaz is hilarious” crest (My Best Friend’s Wedding) and sometimes I’m drowning in the “how can a person this annoying be this famous” rip tide (everything other than My Best Friend’s Wedding).

According to the crack reporting team over at fitPerez, the couple broke up because Cameron was needy and tried too hard to please him… which is code for “why the hell that bitch gotta feed me popcorn in front of the whole world like that!?”  Let’s get real, that popcorn-feeding shot of them during the last Superbowl was curtains for this relationship.  For some couples it’s money issues, or lack of communication, or infidelity, but we should never overlook the silent relationship killer: Orville Redenbacher.

RIP “Camerod”

Dear Jill Zarin’s Former Nose…

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

New York Houswewife Jill Zarin got Jennifer Greyed. Unlike JGrey, however, she’s (laughably) denying it.  Here’s what she had to say regarding rumors that she’s gotten a nose job:

If I did, I would be the first to admit it, when I had by breast reduction I was very open about it.

For me, rhinoplasty has a premise problem (along with a name problem but that’s another story). The idea is to have surgery in order to make the thing that’s front and center and in the middle of your face look different, but without it making you look different. Listen Jill, you look different, it happened overnight, and I’m not stupid. At least Cameron Diaz gave me the ol’ my-nose-was-crooked-because-I-was-always-breaking-it-because-I’m-just-such-a-fun-sporty-tomboy-and-that’s-the-kind-of-thing-I-do-so-it-wasn’t-really-a-nose-job-I-was-just-getting-it-fixed-ooooh-look-I’m-surfing-again excuse. Give me something to work with and indicate to me that you don’t think we, your fans, are idiots who didn’t notice you just went from a size large to a size medium next time you need a snorkel mask.

PS. When Bethenny Frankel had a baby she got a whole spin-off all her own to track her progress. I think Jill should’ve capitalized on this new addition to her face in the same way… Jill Getting Schnozzed?, perhaps? What can I say, I’m an idea person! (Hire me, Andy Cohen?)

 

Dear Nick Cannon…

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

It’s being reported (as if this is real news or something) that Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon won’t let her wear heels anymore, now that she’s pregnant with twins.  Men, do you not realize that we gals aren’t wearing heels for our health or because they’re comfy (surprise surprise — they’re not).  We wear them because every woman is secretly obsessed with Cameron Diaz’s legs in Charlie’s Angels and the only way mere mortals can attain anything even close to those sticks is by hoisting our heels up a few inches, thereby creating an optical illusion that we are tall and long and lean.  Fooled ya!   It’s a tried and try method which, by the way, is a shitload easier than eating right or doing time on the elliptical.

With that in mind, it seems like now (when she’s at her fattest/most pregnant) is a really crappy time for Mariah to be forced to give up her heels.  Sure she doesn’t want to go toppling over with babies on board, but what good is she to any of us if she quits her diva ways and turns into a fat ass in flats?

Each year around this time Mariah pops up on morning shows, late-night show, middle-of-the-day shows — oh and if there’s a parade, forget about it, she’s there — singing that one epic song I wait for all year and then, by December 20th or so I’ve heard it so much that just the first few chords make me want to strangle myself with a strand of Christmas lights:  “All I Want for Christmas Is You”.  Since I can’t bear to see a short and squat Mariah, all I want for Christmas is for her to ignore that impish little boy she calls a husband and let her true diva reign free this Christmas season.  Bring on the stilettos!

ps.  Here’s a version of Mariah’s song I did with a couple comedian pals of mine a few years ago…

pps. I posted this from 41D on a Delta flight thanks to handy free wi-fi.  That’s the back of my boarding pass up there.