Posts Tagged ‘Charlie Sheen’

Dear Lance Armstrong…

Friday, January 18th, 2013

Lance Armstrong was apparently prepared to do anything to win, including blood and plasma transfusions, injections of human growth hormone testosterone and calf’s blood. I don’t get it. Honestly. What’s so great about winning?

Reasons winning is overrated:

1. People don’t like winners (look what it did to Charlie Sheen). We like losers. ie. June Shannon (Honey Boo Boo’s mom). No denying she’s a total loser, and guess what? I LOVE HER! The term “lovable loser” exists because losers are, in fact, lovable. Not like prick-faced Lance Armstrong. He’s so unlikeable, he should play a Republican in a movie.

2. Losers make average people feel better about themselves. Why do you think I continue to be friends with like 15% of my Facebook friends? (not you, whoever is reading this, you’re awesome).

3. When you win all the time, people expect you to continue winning, which puts pressure on you to win, which leads to stress, and as we all know, stress is where wrinkles come from and fuck it, I’d rather be a 45-year-old loser who still gets carded at bars than a raisin-faced winner.

So here’s my advice to Lance… go out there and do some solid LOSING for awhile!

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

I’m rooting for Charlie Sheen to get his shit together, I really am.  Certainly texts along these lines aren’t a good sign:

He may have ditched the cocaine and the goddesses and the tiger blood, but he’s cavorting with something even more dangerous to his career: Tara Reid.  In the dictionary next to the word “trainwreck” you’ll find a picture of a railroad accident, then you’ll actually notice that you’ve spelled it wrong and it’s two words.  If there’s a letter (b) in the dictionary entry there’s gonna be a picture of Patrick Monahan and his band mates getting drunk.  The point of this story is that if I were writing the dictionary Tara Reid would be at the top of that list.  Oh and also, I’d only use pictures in my dictionary.  You know why?  Cuz screw words, that’s why.

Moral of this terribly told story: ix-nay on the ara-Tay, Charlie.  She is not WINNING.

Dear Courtney Love…

Friday, March 4th, 2011

Courtney Love was crazy tweeting back when Charlie Sheen did nothing more on a daily basis than wear questionable shirts and recite shitty  jokes on CBS.  In 2009 Courtney was doing it all, a real smorgasbord of inappropriate twitter use: profane rants, nonsensical ramblings, telling off her lawyer, even posting some semi-naked pics that I will forever regret having subjected my eyeballs to.  Her piece de resistance was a string of 140 character tirades lashing out against fashion designer Dawn Simorangkir in which, among other things, Love accused her of having a criminal record.  Turns out Damn Simorangkir does not have a criminal record and decided to sue Courtney for libel.  Rather than go to court, Courtney settled the case today for $430,000

Ummmmmmm… so this means you can’t post lies on twitter?  Those bitches from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills better ix-nay on the eeting-tway about how much they love and support each other.  And I should probably stop all those tweets where I pretend I’m at the gym to make people think I do something other than watch reality TV and google myself all day.


Dear Brooke Mueller…

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Yesterday Charlie Sheen stopped banging his goddesses and talking about winning long enough to send a crazy anti-Semitic text to his ex-wife Brooke Mueller.  I’m not talking a “hey, Jews have curly hair and don’t pick up a tab” kind of anti-Semitic text…. this had more of a Mel Gibson tone and a John Galliano sentiment.  It was bad.  Later, Mr. Tigerblood claimed that he never sent the text, rather, Brooke sent it from his phone to frame him.

First of all, Charlie, phones don’t work like that.  You can’t just send a text from another person’s phone without having the phone in your possession.  Maybe somehow you can, because you’re a warlock and not of this terrestrial realm, but the rest of us can’t.

Secondly, Brooke Mueller has come out with an ALIBI!! (You go, girl!!).  Brooke says at the time when the text was sent, she was (drum roll please)… filming a reality show with Paris Hilton.  Oh.  Wow.  Well I think the courts will determine that this alibi is clearly verifiable because really, who would admit to that if it wasn’t true.  How embarrassing, right?!  Say you were taking a dump… googling yourself incessantly*… farting in an elevator… accidentally misplacing your clip-in hair extensions at a wine tasting party.  Pretty much anything is less humiliating than “filming a reality show with Paris Hilton”.  You’re a brave woman, Brooke!

Dear John Stamos…

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

Wow.  Big day for my childhood crushes!  First I read that John Stamos might replace Charlie Sheen on Two Douchebags and a Kid in an Awkward Phase, then I find out that Ralph Macchio still exists.  What has he been doing all these years?  Just holed up in a house in the hills living off that sweet Karate Kid coin?!

John Stamos, no.  Just no.  The horrific vertical color block bowling shirts.  The super cheesy this-is-what-a-bachelor-pad-in-Malibu-looks-like set.  The horrible sitcomy lines like:

Lyndsey: I think you underestimate your brother.
Charlie: Oh, it’s not an estimate. I already got the bill.

The terrible laugh track inserted after the horrible lines.  You’re so much better than this!  Stick to the things you’re good at, like Elvis impersonations and aging gracefully (uhhhh, he’s FORTY SEVEN and beautiful…. seriously, he’s giving Clooney a run for his money in the aging game).

In other childhood obsession news: Ralph Macchio will be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. If he thought those Cobra Kai douches bullied him before, wait until they get a load of him doing the Paso Doble.

Now if I could just get Kirk Cameron back in the news for something I’d have the ultimate childhood heartthrob trifecta!

Dear Martin Sheen…

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Charlie Sheen is finally in rehab!  Apparently his dad asked him to go and you don’t not do what Martin Sheen asks you to do… this is POTUS we’re talking about.  He says “jump”, Bradley Whitford asks “how high?”  He says “quit doing blow with porn stars”, Charlie Sheen asks “ok, but how ‘bout crack with hookers?”

Now the big question is, what will happen to the price of cocaine while Charlie is in rehab?  If Econ 101 taught me anything, I know that this immediate and drastic decrease in demand will surely lead to a decrease in both price and quantity of cocaine nationwide.  Are we prepared to let our coke-whores snort cheap, sub-par cocaine?  Should the government step in and stabilize the market by subsidizing the commodity until Charlie is back in the game?  Let’s just all pray for his speedy recovery so that we don’t face yet another economic downturn.

Dear Nicole Kidman…

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

A few days ago ice skater Johnny Weir announced he was gay and now Nicole Kidman admits she’s “tried Botox”.  If Charlie Sheen spills the beans that he’s a sex addict we’ll have the ultimate trifecta of “uhhhhh, yeah, no shit” news stories.

I personally plan on getting Botox someday… not to look younger or anything — that would be crazy — but because when the aliens eventually come and start anally probing all the humans, I’ll run to the front of the line and you just watch, my face will be so frozen I won’t even FLINCH.  That way the aliens will assume that all humans are immune to anal probing and they’ll hop back into their pulsating space craft and find another planet to bother, meanwhile I’ll be heralded across the globe as “Julia Lillis: Protector of the Free World!!”  That, and I want to look younger.

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Gotta love the latest Charlie Sheen debacle.  So now the porn star (hooker) is suing the actor (trainwreck) for false imprisonment and assault and he’s suing her for extortion.  I’m no algebra whiz but I think those cancel each other out.  Let’s just call it even and move on already!

Here’s the thing: it’s Charlie Sheen.  You don’t go to Taco Bell and complain when you get diarrhea, do you?  It’s just Charlie being Charlie… he’s the Miley Cyrus of adult men… he can’t be tamed!

I say Charlie needs to have an extended affair with a certain Ms. Betty Ford while Capri needs to disappear from the limelight because if one more G.D. hooker/call girl/mistress gets a reality TV show/book deal/CAA representation I swear to you someone’s* gonna hear about it!

* Dr. Joseph P. Tenley Ph.D., my therapist