Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
Oh man, she’s done it again — Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dumped. The perpetual singledom of Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of those concepts that will forever confuse me, like string theory, dangling participles or how Christina Aguilera’s face has ballooned into a shape that can only be described as Snooki-esque. Jennifer seems very nice and normal to me. She catches a lot of flack for her ever-expanding ass, but I think that should say to guys “hey look at me, I’m low maintenance!” She’s always wearing sweats or pajama pants and it seems to me that most of the pictures I see of her she’s taking the trash out, so along with being low maintenance we know she’s not a hoarder. I think this girl sounds like a catch! Though I’m off the market now (sorry fellas!) I was once quite the match.com whore, so I’d like to offer a few tips to J Lo 2.0 (how she let Jennifer Lopez steal that moniker from her is beyond me… as long as no one touches J Lill I guess I shouldn’t be bothered):
5 Tips from a Former Match.com Pro:
1. If you mention the term “hand jobs” in your profile it will get taken down. (Even if you mention it in a totally positive way, like, “guys are always telling me I give great hand jobs!”). Also, your password can’t be “ihatecats”.
2. It’s required that you say something in your profile along the lines of “I like to work hard, but play harder!!!” and/or “one day I’m in sneakers, the next I’m in Jimmy Choos!”. Apparently guys like girls who are both themselves, and also the opposite of that.
3. Photoshop every picture before it goes up (so obvious I debated listing it).
4. When the only pictures of a guy are taken by him in the bathroom mirror it means he literally doesn’t have any friends… which is perfect because that means more time for you!! Send him a message!
5. If a guy writes to you and tells you he “used to only date models but now he’s ready to find someone more normal” and then asks you out, don’t go out with him. He’s an asshole named Ranjeed and he will demand that you go dutch on his 3 Heinekens and your Diet Coke. F that guy.
Wednesday, March 9th, 2011
Michaele Salahi (half of the wily duo made famous by penetrating multiple layers of White House security to sneak into Obama’s first state dinner while being filmed for a Bravo reality show) was just booted from Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab because, get this, she’s not addicted to anything. I’ve been noodling over this one and I think the good doctor’s logic is all wrong. The fact that she’s not addicted to anything, yet at the same time was on a reality show whose sole purpose is to cure people who have addictions, proves that she’s addicted to fame. Or infamy. Or being on the cover of Us Weekly. There’s an addiction for you: addicted to seeing oneself while lining up with your “10 items or less”. The problem is, if I’ve diagnosed this correctly, ejecting her from the show was the worst thing Dr. Drew could’ve done because I’m sure she’ll be on In Touch within days with the headline “Even Dr. Drew Couldn’t Help Me” or some shit like that. Hopefully Christina Aguilera will keep spiralling out of control and stay on top of the celeb rags. Oh look, she is.
Monday, February 7th, 2011
Yesterday at the Superbowl, Christina Aguilera messed up the words to the National Anthem . Sooooooo, that’s gotta suck. I think now is the perfect time for her to play the Latina card again like she did back in 2000 when they started the Latin Grammy Awards and she realized that if she just rolled the R in her last name she could drop a Spanish album and take home a trophy. How’s she supposed to know the words to the National Anthem when she’s Mexican — or whatever — and English is her second language?! (just go with me on this one, Xtina)
The good news for Christina is that most people have already forgotten about her little goof because the Black Eyed Peas’ half-time show was a whole lot worse. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that everything is relative. Like when I worked at Dairy Queen in high school I used to give out free ice-cream cakes to all my friends, but was a model employee compared to this chick Kate who stole rolls of quarters (“each roll is 10 bucks!!!”) and smoked Marlboro Reds in the walk-in freezer (“it’s like the ice cream absorbs the smoke or something!!”). It’s alllllll relative.
Tuesday, January 18th, 2011
Word has leaked that Christina Aguilera got into it with Julianne Hough at a pre-Golden Globes party last weekend. Someone (who hates fun and excitement) broke the fight up before it got out of hand, but if they go at it again here’s my prediction:
Fighting out of the red corner, this girl is a cute little dancer who put out a cute little country album and is now apparently trying to act in some cute little movies. Weighing in at 85 pounds, fighting out of some miscellaneous southern state: Julianne HOUGH!!!!!!
Fighting out of the blue corner, this woman one of the best selling music artists of all time, a vocal powerhouse and a certified Grammy Award winning diva. Weighing in at around a buck 75 (it’s baby* weight!), fighting out of a ghetto near Pittsburgh: Christina AGUILERA!!!!!!
Ummmm, Julianne I hope those dancing legs can run! She weighs twice as much as you PLUS she’s Mexican (or something like that). Run, girl! She will CUT you.
* Her “baby” is like 2 years old now.