Posts Tagged ‘cocaine’

Dear Denzel Washington…

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

Uhm. Spoiler alert?

I saw Flight over the weekend starring Denzel Washington playing a pilot who really likes to party.  Like reeeeaally likes to party.  Like gets trashed the night before, the morning before (and during!) a flight but it’s cool because he takes a hit of coke before flying to straighten him out.

My biggest takeaway from the movie (aside from NEVER EVER feeling comfortable on a flight again) is: THAT’S WHAT COCAINE DOES?!  I’ve never done cocaine. In the movie it’s kinda like… hey look, Denzel is a mess of a human, sloppy and drunk… then he snorts some cocaine and voila!  New man!  Ready to take on the world! Save lives! Testify before the FAA!  If that’s how cocaine works I think I needed some like yesterday.  And last Saturday.  And most weekends throughout college.  Get a new PR firm, cocaine!

 

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

I’m rooting for Charlie Sheen to get his shit together, I really am.  Certainly texts along these lines aren’t a good sign:


He may have ditched the cocaine and the goddesses and the tiger blood, but he’s cavorting with something even more dangerous to his career: Tara Reid.  In the dictionary next to the word “trainwreck” you’ll find a picture of a railroad accident, then you’ll actually notice that you’ve spelled it wrong and it’s two words.  If there’s a letter (b) in the dictionary entry there’s gonna be a picture of Patrick Monahan and his band mates getting drunk.  The point of this story is that if I were writing the dictionary Tara Reid would be at the top of that list.  Oh and also, I’d only use pictures in my dictionary.  You know why?  Cuz screw words, that’s why.

Moral of this terribly told story: ix-nay on the ara-Tay, Charlie.  She is not WINNING.

Dear Martin Sheen…

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Charlie Sheen is finally in rehab!  Apparently his dad asked him to go and you don’t not do what Martin Sheen asks you to do… this is POTUS we’re talking about.  He says “jump”, Bradley Whitford asks “how high?”  He says “quit doing blow with porn stars”, Charlie Sheen asks “ok, but how ‘bout crack with hookers?”

Now the big question is, what will happen to the price of cocaine while Charlie is in rehab?  If Econ 101 taught me anything, I know that this immediate and drastic decrease in demand will surely lead to a decrease in both price and quantity of cocaine nationwide.  Are we prepared to let our coke-whores snort cheap, sub-par cocaine?  Should the government step in and stabilize the market by subsidizing the commodity until Charlie is back in the game?  Let’s just all pray for his speedy recovery so that we don’t face yet another economic downturn.

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Gotta love the latest Charlie Sheen debacle.  So now the porn star (hooker) is suing the actor (trainwreck) for false imprisonment and assault and he’s suing her for extortion.  I’m no algebra whiz but I think those cancel each other out.  Let’s just call it even and move on already!

Here’s the thing: it’s Charlie Sheen.  You don’t go to Taco Bell and complain when you get diarrhea, do you?  It’s just Charlie being Charlie… he’s the Miley Cyrus of adult men… he can’t be tamed!

I say Charlie needs to have an extended affair with a certain Ms. Betty Ford while Capri needs to disappear from the limelight because if one more G.D. hooker/call girl/mistress gets a reality TV show/book deal/CAA representation I swear to you someone’s* gonna hear about it!

* Dr. Joseph P. Tenley Ph.D., my therapist