Posts Tagged ‘corn dogs’

Dear un-named Navy SEALs who croaked that dipshit bin Laden,

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

On a day like today who can write fan mail to reality TV stars (Nene Leakes deserves a shout out after throwing down with Star Jones last night on Celebrity Apprentice) or baby-making songstresses (Mariah Carey finally popped!) or the object of random celebrity sightings (I did a show with Brian Dunkleman — the original host of American Idol — on Friday night; not braggin, just… well yes, I guess I’m bragging)? Celebrities schmelebrities, today my heart felt fan mail goes to the brave ass-kickers who wacked Osama bin Laden last night!

As many of my readers know, I spent some time in the Navy myself. Granted, the most dangerous thing I ever did was attempt a 10-minute jump rope workout on the flight deck of a Guided Missile Destroyer* that was rocking and rolling in the unpredictable seas of the Northern Arabian Gulf (very, very bad idea). Oh, and then this one other time I got into the habit of eating a pie (no shit, a whole pie**) every single day for like two months of a six month deployment so that I no longer fit into any of my uniforms… not really dangerous but trust me, VERY uncomfortable. Tight pants are a girl’s worst enemy. Speaking of enemies (what a segue!), we all have one less of them today thanks to a handful of brave Navy SEALs. Thanks, guys. keep up the good work. You, and everyone else in our military are what make us the best damn country on earth! (well jazz and corn dogs helped too, but it’s really mostly you guys)

* Shout out to USS HIGGINS!! What what!!
** Seriously, another day, another pie: lemon meringue, pecan, strawberry cream, apple, key lime… it was amazing! Until I put on 18 pounds. Then it was the opposite of amazing.

Dear Bethenny Frankel…

Monday, April 25th, 2011

Bethenny Frankel of Bravo’s Real Housewives of NYC/Bethenny Getting Married?/Bethenny Ever After is officially a genius. I’m talking oughta-be-in-Mensa-Bill-Nye-the-Science-Guy-probably-aces-those-online-IQ-tests-although-I’m-sure-she-doesn’t-have-the-time-to-take-them kind of genius. Everyone’s fave NYC house-ex-wife just sold her cocktail brand Skinnygirl Margaritas for (hold on to your sombreros) $120 million! Oy caramba! (Get it? Cuz she’s Jewish? Ahhh, these jokes just aren’t as good when I have to explain them.)

How’d she do it? As an aspiring multi-millionaire myself, I’ve decided to study Bethenny’s path to success and have been able to break down her business model:

1. Become famous.
2. Identify the fact that a) every female ever in the history of females loves margaritas (they’re like the drink equivalent to dolphins) and b) every female ever in the history of females has been/is/will be on a diet (duh).
3. Create Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas.
4. Mention Skinnygirl 100 Calorie Margaritas on every episode of everyone one of the three hit shows on Bravo in which you star.
5. CHA CHING!

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I like to think of myself as an “idea person”, so while Bethenny has her low-cal margs, I’ve got some equally as impressive concepts in the hopper…

JULIA LILLIS’S POPCORN BUTTER IRRIGATION SYSTEM — it’s a linkage of small plastic tubes that connect to a funnel that will spread the liquid butter at a movie theater all over your bag of popcorn… No Kernal Left Behind! (currently undergoing beta testing — see diagram below).

JULIA LILLIS’S FAMOUS GREEN LASER DIET SPORK — It’s a well-known fact in the laser world that the particular band of wavelength that produces green light will give you an upset stomach if you look directly at it; and what girl trying to lose weight doesn’t love an upset stomach?! I give you, my Green Laser Diet Spork: a spork that emits a green laser beam so as soon as you start eating with you’ll be overwhelmed with a subtle backdrop of nausea to take away all desire to consume solid food (sure to be a hit in sororities nationwide).

SPHERICAL BANANAS (No explanation necessary)

Any potential investors, please contact me through nakedfanmail@gmail.com… let’s get rich together!!!