Posts Tagged ‘cougar’

Dear Kim Cattrall…

Thursday, March 31st, 2011

Kim Cattrall has a new movie out called Meet Monica Velour which stars a bunch of people you’ve never heard of and will probably go straight to DVD which means no one will ever see it because seriously, who watches DVDs anymore?  My mom doesn’t know how to attach a picture to an email, yet even she is streaming Netflix movies these days. FACT*: more DVDs are currently being used as coasters than as actual entertainment. You used to be able to say “keep an eye out for this one in a DVD Bargain Bin near you!” but there are no more Blockbusters so there are no more DVD Bargain Bins so what becomes of a movie destined for DVD Bargain Bin-dom? Will it just disappear? Will literally zero people ever see Meet Monica Velour as well as and every Hilary Duff movie? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Knowing that this film will clearly die at the box office, Kim channeled the public relations mastery of Samantha Jones and managed to make some news for herself and her probably-shoulda-been-on-Lifetime movie: she got trashed and lashed out at a couple of perfectly nice reporters at the premiere last night.  Next thing you know, she’s the top story on a bunch of blogs and worthless entertainment sites (see my blogroll!) and people are actually talking about this dookie of a flick she’s in.  Well played!

PS. Obviously I don’t really have herpes.  That was a joke because I’m a comedian.  It’s usually considered bad form to add a footnote like this to a joke but I just want to make it 100% clear here that I’m herpes-free!  Soooo, ok, I think I’m done.  Oh and I’ve also never had vaginal rejuvenation.  Or have I????

* By “fact” I mean “something I made up that seems like it could be factual.”

 

Dear Selena Gomez…

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

18-year-old Disney actress (who I can only distinguish from Demi Lovato because Demi went to rehab and this chick hasn’t… yet) Selena Gomez is getting death threats because of her relationship with 16-year-old pop singing sensation Justin Bieber.  A few recent Twitter posts  from some less-than-thrilled “Beliebers” say things like:

“I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!!”
and
“If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!”

Selena’s camp is amping up her security detail and taking extra precautions in light of the recent threats.

Oh come on… what’s the big whoop?  She’ll be fine.  She’s got JUSTIN BIEBER to protect her.