Posts Tagged ‘Dancing with the Stars’

Dear Kirstie Alley…

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

Kirstie Alley is currently competing on Dancing With the Stars and in totally shocking news — I’m not watching.  I pretty much exclusively watch shitty reality television, so the fact that I’ve saved myself these three (really?) hours a week is highly uncharacteristic.  Maybe I’m finally growing up?  Maybe my tastes are at last becoming a little more sophisticated?  I’ll noodle over those questions after I get done powering through the two saved episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County and one Jersey Shore Reunion that I’ve got on my DVR.

So Kirstie rumba’d her ass all the way down to the floor… big whoop!  That’s what happens when you put a Jose Conseco-sized woman in 4” heels and tell her to spin around in circles.  My thoughts go out to any small bugs or mites that may have been in her way when she came tumbling down, as well as the hard working men and women who will undoubtedly be sanding and shellacking that floor for the next 24 hours to get the giant dent out of it.

Dear John Stamos…

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

Wow.  Big day for my childhood crushes!  First I read that John Stamos might replace Charlie Sheen on Two Douchebags and a Kid in an Awkward Phase, then I find out that Ralph Macchio still exists.  What has he been doing all these years?  Just holed up in a house in the hills living off that sweet Karate Kid coin?!

John Stamos, no.  Just no.  The horrific vertical color block bowling shirts.  The super cheesy this-is-what-a-bachelor-pad-in-Malibu-looks-like set.  The horrible sitcomy lines like:

Lyndsey: I think you underestimate your brother.
Charlie: Oh, it’s not an estimate. I already got the bill.

The terrible laugh track inserted after the horrible lines.  You’re so much better than this!  Stick to the things you’re good at, like Elvis impersonations and aging gracefully (uhhhh, he’s FORTY SEVEN and beautiful…. seriously, he’s giving Clooney a run for his money in the aging game).

In other childhood obsession news: Ralph Macchio will be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. If he thought those Cobra Kai douches bullied him before, wait until they get a load of him doing the Paso Doble.

Now if I could just get Kirk Cameron back in the news for something I’d have the ultimate childhood heartthrob trifecta!