Posts Tagged ‘Diddy’

Dear Beyonce…

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

Last night I decided to watch American Idol for the first time this season.  I’ve watched my fair share of Idol but didn’t get into it this year because I figured J Lo would be too annoying to handle.  I mean come on, what’s her deal?  She had like 3 hit songs, a handful of shitty movies, and I swear on my autographed picture of David Copperfield that she’s only famous because of that time she came to the Grammys with Diddy wearing that Versace dress that showed her bellybutton. Before that dress all she was was just an anonymous In Living Color fly girl.. but post-dress she morphed into one half of the rom-com-ruining Bennifer, next step, superstardom!  Anyway, so no.  I haven’t been watching Idol this season.

Last night, however, I thought I should check in and see what’s going on.  I turned on the TV hoping to see some charming little Carrie Underwood-esque nobody belt out some heartfelt ballad but instead I get a giant blonde Beyonce on a horse with back-up dancers doing moves that looked something your chiropractor would tell you not to do — I think they should call that it the “sexy seizure”.  She just kept yelling “Who run the world? Girls! Who run the world? Girls!… over and over and over again (someone has apparently  given up on writing lyrics entirely).

Listen B, we’ll never run anything with grammar like that. Can we try “Who runs the world?” or “Who is running the world?” or maybe “The world is run by whom?”  Now please get off my screen so I can get back to watching that adorable southern crooner who makes the weird sexy faces.

 

 

 

Dear Diddy…

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

The artist currently known as Diddy wants to be an actor and apparently he thinks he can tweet his way to the top. From his twitter account today:

Attention all Film directors, casting agents, producers, writers! I am a aspiring actor for Hire! Pls call me if you have a job 4 me! 4real

I take direction well. I’m always on time. I don’t come with a entourage! and I know how to play my position! No EGO! I wanna work! Hire me!

For all acting inquiries pls contact my agents at CAA-Nick Styne @tricky44 and David Bugliari @dbugliari !!!

I’d like to see Diddy start at the bottom and get into commercials before diving into films. I’m not talking celebrity product endorsement, I’m talking drunk guy in a Budweiser commercial… confused husband looking to switch to Progressive Car Insurance… just another backed up fella in the grocery store who gets enticed by Jamie Lee Curtis and her so-tasty-you’ll-shit-yourself yogurt!

I’m fine with Diddy getting into acting but I just hope it doesn’t turn him into a giant pussy… one of these LA wieners who think they’re impressing you with lines like “I can finally cry on cue” or anything that starts with the phrase “So last night at my improv class we did this scene…”  I can pretty much guarantee that any man who CAN cry on cue, CAN’T change his own oil, properly cook a steak, use a power tool, hook up the propane on a grill or correctly identify any player on the any team in the NFL.