Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

Dear Russell Brand & Katy Perry…

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Over the holidays Russell Brand and Katy Perry told the world they were ending their marriage. Nooooooooo! From a girl who’s currently engaged to be married (me!, I know I know, enough talkin about it already) — IF RUSSELL BRAND AND KATY PERRY CAN’T MAKE IT, WHO CAN??!

(ps. if you think I’m upset, check out all of India.)

Dear Will.i.am…

Monday, November 28th, 2011

The Black Eyed Peas announced over the weekend that they’re finally giving our poor defenseless ears a break!!  They’re calling it quits!!!*

* I’m exaggerating.  Technically they’re saying they’re only “taking a break” and this is NOT a “break up” but I’m a kid of divorced parents so if experience tells me anything I’m guessing Will.i.am already has his luggage packed and will be hived up at the Motel 6 for a few weeks until he rents a shitty apartment that he fills with futons, board games and take out menus.

Dear Kim Kardashian… (for the final time)

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

It took me a few days to muster up the strength to write to Kim again.  It’s just like uggggghhhh, right?  I mean ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I want this blog to be topical but I can hardly go on writing about the Kardashian Klan every other week.*  Therefore, I’m taking this moment to officially announce my break-up with them as a people. Kendall gets knocked up by Bieber?  You’re not gonna read about it here.  Bruce gets a sex change?  He/she better not expect a Naked Fan Mail in the mailbox.  I’m done.

I’m the 99% who’s fed up with Kardashians and I’m taking a stand, damnit! Who’s with me?!!?!?!

* Roughly every other week…

To Ray J for starting this whole damn thing — 8/22/11
To Kim
when she got engaged to dopeyface — 5/26/11
To Khloe
when she was naked on billboards all over LA — 3/28/11
To Kim
when her nipple popped up in a magazine — 2/1/11
To Bruce
for dealing with them all — 11/9/10

Dear Olivia Wilde…

Friday, February 11th, 2011

If this isn’t proof that no relationship can last under the pressure of Hollywood success, I don’t know what is. (Wow, what a romantic first sentence — maybe I should save this post for Valentine’s Day!)  Olivia Wilde has announced she’s divorcing her husband of 8 years, Prince Tao Ruspoli. Yeah that’s right… PRINCE… as in, the person that every character in every fairytale and animated Disney movie is trying to marry. That kind of prince. Only in Hollywood does an honest-to-goodness prince get dumped on his ass.

This brings me to the big question: who the hell does this chick think she is?! Good luck out there in the LA dating scene, Olivia! I’ve been there. Expect lots of dutch coffee dates (that’s not some new kind of coffee, that’s referring to the cheap LA idiots who can’t even buy a girl a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte) and guys who you think are really green because they ride their bikes everywhere, only to discover they’re actually homeless and your Michelob Ultra was just paid for courtesy of the suckers who gave him change while waiting in traffic at the intersection of Lacienega and Olympic. Love is in the air! No wait, that’s the stench of a guy who hasn’t bathed in a week, my bad.

Dear Kelsey Grammer…

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

55-year-old Kelsey Grammer just announced he’s engaged to his 29-year-old girlfriend Kayte Walsh and frankly, I have mixed emotions about it.

On the one hand, he JUST got divorced from ex-wife Camille of 14 years.  As in, I don’t even actually think they’re technically divorced yet.  So that’s shitty.  On the other hand, from what I can tell based on extensive reality TV research (ie. 7 episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Camille is a horrible human being.  So maybe I can kinda see where he’s coming from.  The question therein lies: is he still a dick if she’s really an asshole or is she an asshole because he’s a dick?  It’s a real chicken or the egg kinda thing… I’m writing my thesis on it; I’ll report back to you guys once I get to the bottom of this philosophical quandary.

PS.  What’s up with “Kayte”?  This is clearly the worst approximation of the name “Katie” of all time.  Were her parents just messing around?  Was her mom high on some early 80’s tranquilizer-esque epidural?  Or maybe her Mr. and Mrs. Walsh were simply really bad spellers.  All I know is, that’s not a name, it’s a typo.